Music is my heartbeat. Sometimes I just close my eyes and let it keep me alive.

I am content with the world at this moment <3

Valentine's Day with Merger!

After an awkward text about me seeing her and not wanting up be creepy by saying 'hello,' Maggie walked into the bathroom to wash her hands while I was doing the same. We stared at each other for a few seconds, then begun talking. She gave me this ORGASMICALLY DELICIOUS Vanilla See's Candies lollipop. It was so good, and lasted a long time. Maggie and I walked and talked, about Valentine's Day, a librarian she thought was too cute to be at our college, death, ducks, the dog disguise ducks wear, why ducks float, female ducks, being a third-wheel, religion, atheism, classes, on and on. One topic ebbed into another, over and over. I'd forgotten how pleasant human interaction (outside if class) is. The whole summer quarter ('12), I pretty much went to class and back home, not very exciting. I'm more involved in famous life now, so I'm ready to meet people! Met some great people already, and human interaction is the perfect cure for feeling down. Merger ers erserm. So awesome. I feel bad not having gotten her a gift. Oh we'll, St. Paddy's day is coming soon! Wee :D

Valentina's Day

Has always been awful for me. Always. I used to believe it to be a gleeful opportunity to tell someone how you feel about them, but the last time that happened, I was nine years old. Eighteen and in a relationship, I view it differently. My parents made Valentine's Day about red gifts to remind people that even if they are "single" they are not alone. This Valentine's Day, I thought of Vicky. She burned me 3 Metric CDs, one of which is brand new, just released this month. The really is a sweetheart. I bought her a chocolate rose and a non-Valentine's Day card (she hates Valentine's Day). The card has a wild flower on the front, and on the inside I wrote "Roses should be red, Violets should be violet, but who gives a fuck, anyway? Happy Valentine's Day." And then some mushy stuff I won't repeat. You must already know I'm a fruitcake, I don't wanna help that thought any more than I have. I feel good now that I've made Vicky's day :)

I have to express my outrage

With gender skewing in India. The following is my summary and commentary of a report from NPR. A young woman was raped repeatedly by a group of men, one who was a distant cousin of hers. In reaction to this event, the woman's friends ceased speaking to her, she is now being shunned by all of the community. I cannot help but wonder how this continues; how women are blamed for being taken advantage of in a predominantly male society. In India and other Asian countries, males are preferred to females, so female babies are aborted most times, and this skews the population dramatically. In addition to the population inequality, men are public figures and community leaders who decide what is right and wrong, perhaps promoting an anti-female atmosphere and creating the basis for these hate crimes. Hate crimes that bring shame to the women, and not the men. In India, sometimes men rape women of lower castes to show "superiority" and to establish themselves.

I cannot imagine living in a place where I could be dragged from my home at any time of day, beaten and raped, and in addition to the physical and mental trauma, BLAMED for being raped. It would not be a place I'd want to live in. The young woman's response was the same as mine; if not for her family, she'd kill herself. I dearly wish that change be brought about in the future and incidents like this become nonexistent, for this woman and her children, for the hundreds (and maybe thousands) of women in India fighting this fear-filled battle every day, for my children and grandchildren.

Then and now

I think the worst part about getting older and going through puberty was when I would look in the mirror and think to myself, "That hair must've fallen on me," and then trying to pick it off and realizing that that point is where it was growing from.

I wanted to be perfect for so long, starting in middle school. I'd just been dumped in an unfamiliar place with gorgeous long-haired Asians and Filipinos left and right; how was I to compete with that? I wanted to be perfect and hairless like the people I saw in magazines. I didn't want a rabbit trail of hair leading from the top of my chest down to my genitals, it made me feel so embarrassed of my body. I stopped wearing tank tops and started to cover myself up as much as possible, not wanting anyone to see or judge my body.

I can distinctly remember crying one day to my mother. "Can I talk to you?" I asked, closing her door behind me and staring at the ground. I told her about the hair and how I felt so ugly. I needed a "you're beautiful the way you are," but instead I got "come on, Axanti, there are kids in the world dying of cancer."

I have to say, the second one stuck with me more. At some point in my life, I decided not to pluck my eyebrows, that my face is beautiful enough after I wash and moisturize, and that I'm not an android. I'm a human being with natural hair, a beautiful and discolored caramel face, little tiny black hairs, and unkempt, uneven eyebrows. I've come to love myself and all my imperfections, thanks to my partner in life and strong support system, my dear boyfriend. I hope that for you reading this, 14 or 40, learn to love yourself as I have, it makes life so much more enjoyable.

My life is a roller coaster of emotions, pleasures and experiences. I'm traveling through life on the life raft that is my parents while trying to build my own ship that will sail me through my future.

Everything in my mind right this second?

I made a new friend, name's Vicky and she's awesome. She does Roller Derby! How fucking amazing is that? We talked for like an hour and I got to the apt. later than usual. I came home to two anxious faces, who seemed to relax the longer I was in the room. I wish I could stay at Vacation instead of being at the apt. Hey, it just turned 12:00am. Happy Sunday! I finished all of my homework (due Monday) but one. And ugh, I'm dreading it. I wrote an essay, typed up a summary, read half a book, and I'm procrastinating reading a short essay and answering questions about it. Makes sense? Noooope. It's stupid Vacation. Every time I'm here, I just wanna eat, sleep, and play Portal 2. By the way, I STILL HAVEN'T BEAT PORTAL 2 YET! I'm so mad. I can't wait to see my boyfriend again, but right now, I don't have enough money for a plane ticket. Being unemployed sucks. Also, Feb. 15th-18th, break. March 29th-April 8th, break. Perfect time spans to go visit that man I love and adore so much. If only... (futurethoughtsthatIdon'twanttosayrightnowbecause...wellitsthefuture...)

Phi Theta Kappa

I, surprisingly, have been invited to join other Phi Theta Kappans in the organization. Approximately 100 students from De Anza are invited, so I feel pretty special. I've been to two meetings so far, and the people are very sociable, our Faculty Advisor is a comical little man. He has salt and pepper hair with glasses, a kind smile, and a middle-aged figure somewhere between skinny and pudgy. He sends emails A LOT. I did not catch the President of our organization's name, but he speaks loudly, with a Russian accent. He has no trouble quieting a room. Wide eyes and a helpful tone, he makes a good President, as far as I can see. The Vice President (or who I think is the Vice President) is also a great speaker who knows how to get a laugh from a group of people. I'd say he's of middle-eastern descent, judging by his hooked nose and jet black hair. He's also very polite and an exceptional leader.

Since those three speak the most, I haven't actually learned the names of the other officers in the club, which I probably should. Walking into the same classroom every other Friday and seeing the same faces, smiling at them awkwardly since I remember their faces, but no name is recalled along with it. There is an Induction Ceremony, which I am excited about. Being a part of this organization, I receive a certificate when I graduate and I get to wear that thing when I graduate... What's it called? Not a lei... the scarf-like thing? Ugh I'm bad with words. Anyways, I am able to graduate with honors, which not many others can say :) My mother was also a PTK member, so we're sorors, I guess. Chip off the ol' family block.