My singing final was today. My professor said I did a great job and he I'm on the right track. Liz didn't record it, I forgot to give her my phone; so I figured I'd just sing to Darrin when I got home. I did, and it was hard to sing with him listening. I'd sang to a room full of people earlier and I could barely sing to him. I only sang the second song, the one I was proud of, Tu Lo Sai in the high key. When I was done, he said he didn't think opera is "my thing".

He said that opera singers make weird faces and that you can hear them from very far away. That really hurt my feelings. Italian Arias have helped my voice blossom more than it ever has while I sang in glee club, church choir or anything else. So... I don't know. I picked the songs I did to dedicate them to Darrin, and the whole story of Tu Lo Sai is that someone loves someone else. They're saying "you already know how much I love you, look in your cruel heart and you'll know". So I guess it wasn't worth singing at all. I'm gonna continue singing, but I think from now on I'll only sing for my professors.

Strange coincience?

There's this doodle that I do over and over again, I don't know where it came from, but I do it a lot. It's a compulsive thing that I always find beautiful no matter what. It starts out with a base, usually as a tree or heart and swirls come off of it, spiraling upward and outward, then they end, resembling a tree. I've been doodling like this for years, so you can imagine my surprise when I saw Gustav Klimt's Tree of Life. The only difference between the two (besides his famous golds and browns) is that his swirl more than mine do. Somehow this makes me feel connected to Gustav Klimt, as if somehow we know the same things, have experienced the same joys and pains, and that we are artists because it makes us happy.

To do homework, or not to do homework...

People don't think that alternate universes exist because there's no proof; but people believe that God exists with no proof whatsoever. I think that if something exists in one's mind, it exists. I'm watching this tv show about a wizard who solves crimes using his powers. I was recalled back to a show called Alphas in which people have different abilities, simply through genetics. I think that there are alternate universes, they're called other planets that we cannot reach. Life can exist on other planets where Argon and Carbon are all there is to breathe. Some human-resembling beings may have developed eons away from us, maybe even evolved almost as much as we have. Did that spin off into two different things? Well, what I mean to say is that things we consider to be alternate universes could exist without our knowledge. Everything that we imagine could exist, for the universe is vast and extensive. We don't even know how extensive it is yet, so for all we know everything we could ever imagine may exist.

Dear Darrin,

I can't stand it when you're mad at me, I can't stop crying.

At least I get to go home early today. I'm tired of having to be polite to people, but if I show how I'm really feeling, they ask questions and make it worse... At least I get to go home early. Ace made spaghetti last night and the Internet is now working again. I think I will watch The Office(U.S.), thank you Alex.

Maybe I will bother Vicky after all.

On the verge of tears.

Where to start.

Number one I was a bitch to Darrin today, for no reason. We were talking about 2 Fast 2 Furious and how he likes some of the movies but it makes me think of how disgustingly muscular men and skinny, skimpy-looking women were chosen for the main characters AND the extras. And then I pissed him off. I wasn't sure exactly how much until I went on Couple and tried to make up with him. He read my messages, but didn't reply. The beauty of the app, I guess. I went on twitter to tweet what I will soon blog about, and saw his tweets. I made yesterday "A fuck it kind of day". Honestly, I think my period is coming because as I type this, tears are falling.

Um.

I just found out that my birthday get-together will most likely not be happening. I have this 16-hour training session for work, so I'm doing it over two days. Two Fridays from 1pm-9. The first one is this week, the second one is next Friday, the supposed birthday thing. I'm even more upset now, because this is how I get; when one thing happens, I think about all the bad things that are happening around this time frame. I feel bad for letting Darrin go to bed without telling him I love him and I'm sorry, and I'll also be sad for yet another birthday. Now, I'm going to ask my boss for my schedule this Friday to see if she had indeed scheduled me for next Friday as well as this one, but since she kind of yelled at us supervisors and said we shouldn't be taking days off, odds are she scheduled me for next Friday and I should not miss it. Maybe it's just the hormones but I am so very upset right now. I have to go to bed knowing that Darrin went to bed angry at me over dumb shit.

I'm so upset... Mostly at myself. I pissed Darrin off and I should've remembered that my boss told me not to plan anything for "the next few weekends". I'm just so upset. It's 12:27am. I'd stay up until 2 to talk to Darrin, but he'll wake up and read my tweets and read this blog and then he'll feel bad, which will make me feel even worse, but I have to get it out. Somehow I think no one reads this, so it makes me feel like this is a diary, of which I have abandoned. Once Darrin and I got together (or around that time) I stopped writing in my diary.

This is what I do now. When I'm feeling bad (mostly) I pour my heart through my fingers. I'm not sure what good it does me, except to document that I felt this way on this date at this time for this reason. I'm starting not to see the point of this. I know that Keana and Darrin read this, but what's the point? I could just text them how I'm feeling. I wonder why I don't.

I am very upset. I don't want to sleep, but I don't want to stay awake. At times like this, I usually turn to Darrin or Vicky, but I don't want to bother either of them with this right now. Somehow I feel I deserve to deal with this on my own, because I'm mean and I don't plan well. But then again, this is upset Axanti talking.