On the verge of tears.

Where to start.

Number one I was a bitch to Darrin today, for no reason. We were talking about 2 Fast 2 Furious and how he likes some of the movies but it makes me think of how disgustingly muscular men and skinny, skimpy-looking women were chosen for the main characters AND the extras. And then I pissed him off. I wasn't sure exactly how much until I went on Couple and tried to make up with him. He read my messages, but didn't reply. The beauty of the app, I guess. I went on twitter to tweet what I will soon blog about, and saw his tweets. I made yesterday "A fuck it kind of day". Honestly, I think my period is coming because as I type this, tears are falling.

Um.

I just found out that my birthday get-together will most likely not be happening. I have this 16-hour training session for work, so I'm doing it over two days. Two Fridays from 1pm-9. The first one is this week, the second one is next Friday, the supposed birthday thing. I'm even more upset now, because this is how I get; when one thing happens, I think about all the bad things that are happening around this time frame. I feel bad for letting Darrin go to bed without telling him I love him and I'm sorry, and I'll also be sad for yet another birthday. Now, I'm going to ask my boss for my schedule this Friday to see if she had indeed scheduled me for next Friday as well as this one, but since she kind of yelled at us supervisors and said we shouldn't be taking days off, odds are she scheduled me for next Friday and I should not miss it. Maybe it's just the hormones but I am so very upset right now. I have to go to bed knowing that Darrin went to bed angry at me over dumb shit.

I'm so upset... Mostly at myself. I pissed Darrin off and I should've remembered that my boss told me not to plan anything for "the next few weekends". I'm just so upset. It's 12:27am. I'd stay up until 2 to talk to Darrin, but he'll wake up and read my tweets and read this blog and then he'll feel bad, which will make me feel even worse, but I have to get it out. Somehow I think no one reads this, so it makes me feel like this is a diary, of which I have abandoned. Once Darrin and I got together (or around that time) I stopped writing in my diary.

This is what I do now. When I'm feeling bad (mostly) I pour my heart through my fingers. I'm not sure what good it does me, except to document that I felt this way on this date at this time for this reason. I'm starting not to see the point of this. I know that Keana and Darrin read this, but what's the point? I could just text them how I'm feeling. I wonder why I don't.

I am very upset. I don't want to sleep, but I don't want to stay awake. At times like this, I usually turn to Darrin or Vicky, but I don't want to bother either of them with this right now. Somehow I feel I deserve to deal with this on my own, because I'm mean and I don't plan well. But then again, this is upset Axanti talking.