I saw my textured caramel face, the curly jet black hairs growing out of the sides of my face in front of my ears. I looked on and over, then pulled my hair up taut and held it there for a second, then I let it fall. My dreadlocks fell from my hands delicately, framing my big oval face, well... beautifully. I had to keep from smiling at myself! That has never happened before in the history of me.
I think today, I finally saw what my boyfriend sees in me. I feel desirable. For the first REAL time in my life, because someone desires me. Someone wants to have me with them for always. People have told me I'm beautiful before, but my boyfriend exemplifies it. He'll stare at me indefinitely, for what seems like hours. Just smiling, admiring. That unprovoked attention is what makes me believe him. It's as if a light bulb flashed on in the space above his head, and in this quick second he decides to admire the work of art that is his parter.
I see all of this in his eyes. It's too much for me to handle. I often look away, unable to describe why. Suddenly I feel hot, embarrassed, my head becomes itchy. He smiles wider and my heart beats out of my chest and up into my throat, disabling my speech. The words that I can squeeze out are formed into short sentences, trying to make him stop yet subconsciously urging him to continue.
This wasn't supposed to be a love letter. My life is no fairy tale, nor is my relationship. I don't have Disney's version of love, I am creating my own. We argue over THE DUMBEST possible things. He laughs as he notices when I accidentally hit myself in the face. We misunderstand each other and compromise. Things that seem perfectly clear to me don't register in his brain, I explain them in different words, different ways. We have the same opinions, but different ways of expressing them, it seems as though he's playing the devil's advocate when he's only agreeing with me. Some things I can't handle. Some things he will never tell me. Sometimes we will both tweet and post livid comments because we know the other will read them. We share the deepest emotions together. He feels about me the way no other has felt before, and with him I know I am loved. Salty solution builds in my eyes as I type. Not because I am sad, but because I am touched by my own words and my ability to, finally, express in some way how deeply I feel for my partner. Yesterday, January 24th, 2013 was our 11 month anniversary. "We've come so far, yet this is only the beginning." -lyrics to a song whose name I don't know.
