So... ugh.

Mkay. So like. Today was awful. I feel so left out. Still. Someone close to me has been hiding the fact that he/she smokes weed. I haven't blogged about it because I wanted to try to deal with it and be okay with it before typing about it. That didn't happen. Today, she/he posted a picture of him/herself at a hookah bar with her/his friends. It hurts me so much because I didn't know for MONTHS. For MONTHS, I was saying "Oh my goodness, this person is a perfect friend! I thought I was the only person left in the world (besides my immediate family) that doesn't smoke weed! We can relate! We're strong enough to get through life without doing that dumb stuff, pshh, who needs it? And now I feel kinda like.. ugh. My sister and I may be the only people left in the world who don't smoke anything. On the one hand, I'm proud of myself. On the other.. I feel so alone. (I'm told) people bond over doing bad things together. They become lifelong friends and develop this bonds that no one can break because they did something bad together. That means that this person will forever be bonded to her/his friends in a way that she/he will never bond with me. That may not be what bothers me. I'm just spewing now. I think what bothers me is the whole time I'm oblivious to what's going on.

I'm sitting here like an idiot thinking "oh, we have so much in common, oh, we're so alike, oh oh oh! Stupid. I think it wouldn't be so bad if it hadn't been so long. For SOOO LOOONG it has been ENGRAVED in my brain that "we are different from the idiot teenagers today. we do shit our way. we're above the influence." blah blah blah. But you know what? This may or may not have anything to do with the rest of what I said and may contradict it, but WHATEVER... They can live their lives. I'm going to live mine. Yes, I am gravely bothered and upset with it, but it's their fucking life. Now, I was PLANNING to start drinking around this person, because I trust her/him, and they can tell me when to stop and all that. But you know what? I changed my mind. I like who I am. I don't need alcohol to have fun and I don't need weed to relax. I'm not going to start drinking until I am 1) surrounded by people I trust, not random people, and 2) of legal age. I'm not one for illegal things. Like not at all. The thought of being arrested for underage drinking puts me in my place. You live your life, cuz I'm living mine! The way I choose.