The defeated

I'm out with my mom and sister, we're having a great time at a restaurant. A boy comes up to me, I can tell he needs to locate someone who's pure evil, only he doesn't know who she is. I can locate her and I point to her and mouth the word "Yes". The boy pursues the woman and I never see him again. The woman takes an interest in my family and begins following us. The trouble comes when we're trying to escape and we're trapped in a backyard. A different woman becomes pregnant with nothing, but she craves my children's lives, she draws us to her with some unseen force. I try to move back and use the force pulling me to kick the woman in the face, but the force is not strong enough. I walk backwards step after step as if to wind myself up one final time for the strongest kick I am able. Instead I use a rope I find to secure myself and my kids so that the witch couldn't draw us in any longer. When she realized this, she began moving closer to us to try and take my babies away from me. I secured my children with a rope, a tree and a boulder. The witch got close enough and my toddler was safely with me, but my infant was still inside the ropes I'd secured earlier. I pushed my other child forward to save her sister. She grabbed her sister and the witch got caught in the ropes and was somehow pulled to pieces. Later I was in a kitchen with Daisy, Joanna and my kids and we were all cutting vegetables. Then I got a strange feeling. I told Daisy and Joanna that if a girl appears to stab her with their knives, but then Daisy slumped forward, unconscious. I started to panic. "Joanna!!" I called, cradling her head as her eyes closed and she slumped backwards. The knives just lay there next to each of them. I picked up the knives and ran to go close the doors, then my children's eyes went white. They stood on either side of me, slowly moving towards me. The witch woman's voice called out that I'd have to kill my children to protect them from her. I could never do that, not my children. I dropped the knives and said "Kill me." My possessed children started towards me like animals, picking up the knives. Before the first knife broke my skin, I woke up.

My first

Really scary dream. The brutal kind where I was about to die at the end. I woke up and literally tried to close the closet I sleep next to and hide from the darkness know my room. I shut my eyes, terrified. I couldn't go back to sleep and risk having another dream, but I couldn't face the omni-evil darkness in my room. I called my boyfriend of course. It was 4am my time, 7am his time. He was getting ready for work and didn't mind trying to comfort me while I cried about the dream. It was so evil and brutal.

This experience made me realize that I'm not afraid of anything as much as I'm terrified of my own brain. Even when I go to bed watching SpongeBob like I did last night, it could still throw me a mentally traumatizing curveball like this.

Some of you don't understand. You have dreams like this regularly and have gotten used to them, but at 19 years old, this is the first dream I've had where at the end it came down to letting my possessed infant children kill me with knives so they could live. I cried tears of fear, which I don't think I've ever done before.

If nothing else, I can say life is rich with experience. I'm gonna write the dream in a separate post.

I'm letting stuff go now.

Life is too short to be angry about things that don't matter. For the next 90 years of my life, I'm gonna work on not being angry.

Math

Today I learned that I like to do math without help. When someone finds the answer and tells me, it doesn't help me in any way. I prefer to find the supposed answer on my own and have the ability to say I came up with this!

Love by any other name would make me feel as wonderful.

Darrin is coming to see me FOR TWO WEEKS in August! I can't wait!!!!! He's finally gonna meet my family, friends, see Vacation, everything. It'll be amAAAAZIIIING!!! I really cannot wait. Being without a drug for eight months is torture. My insides are knotted, my heart barely beats, I'm cold inside all the time even when I'm hot. At night when I should be sleeping, I stay awake and look at pictures of us, try to remember his smell, how he smiles at me, how he takes care of me like no one else does. When I was with him I was never hungry. I was never sleepy. My body wanted these things, but as long as my heart was full of his love, I needed nothing else.

Oh, my birthday.

It was pretty awesome. I had the most fun I've ever had in dollar tree, like ever on the day after my birthday. Then we talked (we being Mike, Maggie and I). My parents bought me Panda Express on my actual birthday and my BESTEST FRIEND James spent that day with us. Awesome. It could only have been more awesome if my boyfriend, number one best friend, lover, partner in life, Darrin was there.

Ermahgherd!

I got straight As in the Fall Quarter!! For the first time in my life, math included! I'm so happy, I hope I can keep it up!

I'm taking math 44 which is kind of quirky. My professor won't look anyone in the eye for more than a few seconds, my mom said he's probably a serial killer. He's a pretty nice guy, I think he has a problem with speaking to an audience. It's like if he looks at us, he won't remember what he's trying to say. I've never seen something like this before.

My Public Speaking professor reminds me of my mother. Well, kinda. She's the kind of professor that won't remind you when things are due. My mom is more remind-you-a-lot, then yell at you when you don't remember. Maybe some independence will be what I need to stay on top of my schoolwork.

I'm taking human sexuality. On day 1, we watched one of Madonna's music videos. It was very sexual and depicted homosexual, transgendered, etc. acts with multiple people. Then she brought out a chihuahua dressed in leather (I'm assuming to represent bestiality), and the dog was so clueless! I couldn't stop laughing! People in that class probably thought I was immature, but I kept thinking of how they had to dress the dog in leather before the video and she held the dog just like I used to hold my chihuahua. I couldn't help laughing, it was so funny!! I was good up until she brought the dog into it, so really it's Madonna's fault. This class will be very intense though. She has these speakers who have been raped, who participate in BDSM, who dress up in animal costumes, who have gone through FGM, and I was kind of blown away. This class will help me explore my sexuality and some of my own, completely normal fantasies, Mrs. Joplin says. I believe it. I think this will be a good class for me. Sex and things related to it have always been a big part in my life, since I was a child. I don't fully understand it, but I suppose this class will help a great deal.