Lately

I broke down on Thursday night. I guess it finally hit me everything that happened to Tristan. I screamed and cried as I drove home from work. The grief cycle is pretty weird, I thought it would be over, but apparently it takes a really long time. I don't know. 

Anyway Valentine's Day is coming up. Still and I are going to eat lunch at sunset on Carmel beach. And really great especially now with going on. I'm good with just letting me talk and listening to me. Today is February 9 and I have an appointment with the counselor again. She said she wanted to just meet up with me again and see how I was doing. She said that I'm handling this relatively well for the situation but that I could use some help. And that's true, I really need some strategies for when my mind starts to wonder because I thought about hurting myself in the library. It was really scary so I called my dad and we talked for a long time. He said that he felt the same way closer to the incident but that he was better now. It helps that I'm biking every day at 6 AM because at least my body is physically healthy, even if I'm not mentally okay.

In other news I am really sick of thinking about Patrick. He doesn't even care about me so I don't know why my mind keeps going back to him. Stirling is a nice guy and he cares about me and I'm really glad to be with him but some things just will always make me think of Patrick and that really sucks.

But then again life sucks doesn't it? Isn't it a listen here out of really terrible really sad things some beautiful things are born from them. That's what I'm thinking about, how after Tristan I made some very beautiful things like that bowlsket with the pretty yarn and the two couch throws that I made.

I don't know when reading this post or who it's for but here it is I guess. If this seems awkward and choppy it's because I'm using talk to text while I'm cooking for myself. Some other updates are then balancing work and school is more difficult than I thought it would be. Also one of my bosses is very upset when I can't work, it's not fair that she makes us feel guilty for not being available, I have a life outside of Benihana. Anyway on my drawing class is picking up a little bit and my tile and Mosaic class is very fun, we're actually making our own tiles which is really awesome.

One well another good thing about biking in the morning I don't have the physical symptoms that come with the grief process because my body's too busy exercising. It's almost like healthy body, healthy mind.

This is really all over the place, I don't think I'll use talk to text again for blogging. It's much better to type out my ideas so that I can organize them, this post is now pretty awkwardly unorganized. I guess that's it for now, nothing else is really new.