"What do you want?" "To exist..." (A line from Van Helsing)

Existing is beautiful.

I've heard many people say they don't want to bring a child into this world because it's screwed up. 

But to exist is such a gift!

We get to see the magnificent plants and animals that inhabit this world and enjoy socializing with each other.

Yes there is death, hate, maliciousness in the world.

To me, though, the love, beauty, art, expression and knowledge we've aquired makes it all worthwhile.

We are beautiful.

We are alive!

We smile.

We hurt.

We live and we die.

But the short time we're here, I think, is beautiful.

Blogging from Downtown Long Beach, CA

I've been here for five days now and I love Long Beach. (Surprisingly, there are lots of blacks and latinos here.) I expected Long Beach to be mostly white. I love the weather here. When the sun goes away, so does the heat. When the sun is out, it's beautiful. Palm trees sway lazily in the breeze while homeless people push carts across the street and hipsters bike around, showing off their colorful glasses, strange haircuts and curled mustaches. Down some streets are the cutest vintage shops I've ever seen, delicious restaurants and bike racks worth taking touristy pictures near.

Patrick and I walked around a lot. By the beach, down streets, everywhere. I haven't been exploring by myself just yet. Some parts of Long Beach are isolated (and therefore dangerous) at night. My brain is keeping me from exploring those areas, even in the daytime. Still, I may visit the beach on my own. Look back into the shops I saw. Perhaps buy a vintage dress to take back with me.

Most of my time here has been spent making coiled bowls, actually. They take a ridiculously long time, but I enjoy quiet, lengthy activities.

Patrick and I attract attention when we walk, holding hands. Some stares and angry looks, some smiles and once a thumbs up. Strange how the past affects us even now. It's almost silly how a white male and black female elicit such strong emotion from some by simply walking down the street.

Long Beach is a very plural place. There is night life for those who desire it, also yoga and the beach, stores filled with characters and treasures long forgotten. I've never considered Southern California a place I may want to live, but as of now, I'm officially interested.

Let's play catch up. Readysetgo!

My cousin and Tadpole are gone. I was sad to see them go, but like a band-aid, I didn't want to do it slowly. We went to Wendy's for breakfast (I know. Shut up.) and then we drove back. I kicked both of them out so no tears would be shed.

Tadpole texts me every day since. He really wants to be my boyfriend. If I'd met him before Patrick, there'd be no question! I'd date him in a heartbeat. He's hilarious and awesome, he makes me laugh all day long and he respects my personal space.

But because of what Patrick and I share, I can't put anyone else before him. It sucks for anyone who happens to be interested in me, because they can't be anything more than second best. That's a terrible thing to say, I know, but it's true.

Patrick and I connected immediately on a completely spiritual level, he's the first and only person I can say that about. Not that there's a problem with warming up to people, but Patrick just fits well with me. He also inspires me to be the person I want to be and supports me where I need it most (in addition to everywhere else).

Saturday at 2pm I'll be reunited with him! I cannot wait. I'm gonna take pictures, if I remember. When I'm with him I just enjoy life. I forget about my phone completely and disconnect, it's so nice.

Besides that, this is my last week of camp! I'm so sad. I'd post pictures of my campers, but that is strictly prohibited. However, I do have a lovely quote from a camper. The first day he comes to camp after crying for 30min, he tells my co-worker that 'when he rides his bike it tickles his penis'. You're welcome.

I brought home raffia from camp!! It would've been thrown away otherwise, so I took it. I wove a basket last night, it's so cute!! There are my christmas presents! And I want to crochet some scarves. Who knows if I'll have the time to make both happen though. But I am super excited.

Monterey is happening! I'm packing already, feeeeelin' good! I'm excited, but I have to pack lots of things first. And one of my roommates is moving into our storage space so I have to pack my clothes in easily collapsible containers. No complaints, though. Moving is exciting!

This is the first time I remember moving somewhere of my own choice! I'll be more excited when I get there, though. 

That's about it! Oh, I wore a shirt I hate for team color day. I hate it because it HALF shows my armpits. I've been going full armpit or none at all for a while, so I was frustrated and feeling self-conscious half my armpit being out, strangely.

We ran around a lot today, I'm tired.

All of the crazies!

(From left) my cousin, me, Nelly (back) and Tadpole (front). We had so much fun that day just derping around. The base really sucks, they couldn't wait to get off of it. I get why, we don't want people joining the army to be treated like royalty, but still. Better food would be nice.

Tween hair

When I was about 13 I remember crying to my mom telling her how ugly I felt because of all the hair I had that no one else had on their bodies. Down my chest and around my nipples. Who would ever find me attractive? No one, I thought. I remember a separate occasion years before that where kids would laugh at me because my underarms were hairy. Another separate occasion, my first ingrown hair under my arm from shaving.

Doing this no shaving thing feels really good to young Axanti. Just the fact that I can go out and still feel pretty and feminine without shaving makes me eager to accept and love myself the way I am. It feels really good. Anyone reading this, male or female, masculine or feminine, shaving only matters to the shallow. Someone who really cares about you won't turn their back just because you haven't shaved. Sure, they'll look. They may stop once or twice, but that's not what's important to them. They care about YOU.

I'm not shaving again. It's a waste of time and money and makes me feel anxious in public. I don't like feeling like I have to check to make sure I shaved correctly. Make sure I got every last hair, make sure I try and try and try to get my legs to be perfect. I don't like prickly legs either. The nice thing about having long leg hair is that it's not prickly. I rub my legs and feel mostly just my legs. I barely feel the hair, although it's jet black and is quite visible on my legs.

Why conform? No one can make me feel bad about not shaving except for me. Yes, people will stare. Yes, some people will decide against associating with me because I don't shave, but who really cares? I'm soo close to not giving a shit anymore and focusing on what's important in my life. So very close. As soon as I can push society out of the way so that I can take a step into the clear meadow that is my life, I can just go for a stroll.

If that makes sense.

Another (maybe the last) Shaving Journal post

Today I wore a tank top-y dress with my hairy underarms! Tadpole noticed and didn't say anything. Not in an awkward way, but in an "Oh. Moving on!" kind of way.

We threw a hacky sack back and forth, me and 5 other people, and I remembered my armpits and then I forgot them! I had so much fun! It really doesn't matter whether I shave or not! I'm happy with myself the way I am.

I may never shave again. It really isn't a big part of my life.

Now, the guy.

Then His name I'll keep confidential, just because he doesn't know I blog. His name in my phone is Tadpole.

My cousin Coty joined the army 2 years ago. I haven't seen him in 4 years. He told me two weeks ago he was in Dublin. This past Saturday, I went to the base to meet this friend of his, Tadpole.

Tadpole, Coty and I walked around the base and talked and whatnot. Tadpole was cool, good for conversation. He came home with us, so on the way home he called shotgun.

On the way home I was thinking, "I could be friends with this guy." We have sort of the same taste in music, so on the way home we played the guessing game. He put on a song and I had to guess the artist. When that song from Shrek came on we both sang it to see who could get the most words right. It was a tie.

We stopped at WalMart before we went home. At this point I knew I liked Tadpole. We walked by some feather boas and he put one on. Then so did Coty! And I did too, haha. Tadpole messed around with us, bopped me on the head with a pool noodle, fun stuff.

When we got home, he talked to my mom about medical professions. We went swimming and he did the most hilarous things with Coty. And picked me up and threw me back in the pool. And put a pool noodle between my legs.

We played Cards Against Humanity and he played a card that said "My black ass." So my parents started calling him Tad's Black Ass. We watched movies and I put my number in his phone. He took a bunch of pictures with mine.

We texted each other during the movie, started talking about sex. We both really wanted each other, but couldn't do anything about it.

So we went to the park with Coty and had so much fun. Coty hid my shoes and then Tadpole carried me on his back to find them. He also walked in my shoes after Coty hid his shoes. We got on the little pony ride things for little kids, it was strange and awesome.

While we were walking back we decided to just lay down and look at the stars. With Tadpole, this is so much fun. We found boobs, a heart that was really conjoined ice cream cones. 

We went back home and watched the Rocky Horror Picture show and then sex actually happened! However at the end my mom came looking for me and now my parents are upset.

My sister and Coty understand, thank god. I really like him and I'm glad we shared such a beautiful day and night. That's about all! :)

Wednesday, July 23rd

The first day my hairy underarms returned to the world! I wore a non-camp shirt today to camp, so if my arms were up, hair was visible.

Nothing really happened! A few people's heads turned when my arms were up, but because everyone has seen my legs, it wasn't a huge shocker.

This is giving me confidence! I can be my natural self and go about my day, contrary to popular belief. I don't think I'll ever buy a razor (for myself) again! 

Also, because I stopped shaving an plucking everywhere, I was quite surprised when a certain someone gave me an oral presentation. I'll talk about him in a later post.

The hair under my chin and jawline still makes me stop and take a second look sometimes when I'm in the mirror. I'm hoping that eventually I can get to the point where it doesn't bother me at all.

I want to be okay with my natural self. 

Baby steps will hopefully add up to grown-up steps.

Leg hair

Isn't that bad. I'm way less itchy and my time in the shower is a lot shorter!

Thinking about my future, I don't want to shave or pluck anything ever again.

Because I want to be comfortable with my natural, beautiful self.

Because how can I say, "We're perfect the way we are," and then alter my perfect body?

Yeah. I think I might embrace my hairy self forever!

I just heard this on the radio

How can I forget you girl,

When there's always something there to remind me?

always something there to remind me?

I was born to love you, 

but I will never be free, 

you'll always be a part of me.