(Sad title)

I used to believe romantic love was real

Then my heart was broken

Then I thought that love is only real

Between parent and child

Then my sister's boyfriend murdered my nephew and she helped hide the body, quite literally.

Now I don't believe in love.

She said she loved that sweet little boy.

That was a lie.

Love does not exist.

Love is a word we use to mean caring for someone deeply.

If love was real at all, my nephew would be alive.

Love does not exist, only caring for someone deeply.

Tragedy. On Christmas.

I'm using this to sort out my feelings with this awful Christmas news my parents delivered to me. On Christmas Eve, my mom told all of us that on Christmas, there was to be no technology, only family time. When I woke up (really late, around 1pm), my mom and dad both had their laptops and phones out. I told them to put it away and reminded them it was Christmas. After my mom had taken a shower, she said she had something terrible to tell us, and that she wanted us to open presents first so that we could still have some sort of Christmas.

My first thought was that my mom had lost her job, and that I wouldn't be able to go to school anymore, but it seemed more serious than that. Maybe someone had died in the family or developed an aggressive cancer. Somehow the news was far worse than anything I could imagine. My mother told my sister and I that my nephew is missing and that my half sister and her boyfriend are in jail.

A homicide detective told them over the phone that some new evidence they'd found overnight caused them to believe it was homicide. However, the man said he would keep us updated, although we probably won't hear anything until Monday.

First I cried. Then I sobbed. I knew she was self-centered, but... No. If they don't find that little peanut, I don't think I could ever forgive either of them. From the time my nephew was born, his mother tried to use him to get gifts from our mother, picking out expensive strollers and cribs and hinting to our mother that they wanted it. After a visit my mother paid them for my nephew's birthday, she told us what she saw, because it made no sense.

Messes everywhere, foul smells, and in the freezing East Coast weather my nephew was without a jacket. It was "lost" according to my half sister. It all seems worse, now that he's missing. My half sister is in jail, charged with misdemeanor child neglect, which she should be. Her boyfriend is in jail under suspicion of murder.

I just keep thinking, why? Why would anyone treat such a sweet little boy that way? How could you look at his sweet little face and not give him anything and everything? That little ball of energy only gave love and wanted only to receive it in return. Well, that and batman pajamas.

The hardest part was when I googled it. I typed in my nephew's name and the state they live in, stories came about left and right. My little peanut's name all over the news. "Missing" and then "murder". My half sister and her boyfriend's mugshots side by side. He looks crazy and evil as ever, but her face pissed me off. She looks unapologetic. She looks as though she were in an argument with someone and she was defending her terrible actions. That person I'd grown up with was making THAT FACE when they took her picture. She was looking as though she'd done nothing wrong. And that I couldn't stand. That made me sick.

I'm still hoping they find that little angel. Wherever he may be, I hope he's alive and well.

This is the story: http://www.wral.com/missing-2-year-old-raleigh-boy-s-father-charged-with-murder/14306867/ I can't believe it still. I hope it's not true. And right now hope is all I can do until they find him.

Today is December 5th.

My finals are done! I'm overjoyed. And I was craving the sexy time. One David with a dog named Sage spent the night and slept here until morning. That was great. I don't care about how many people I have sex with. The more important thing is that I have sex with people that care about me as a friend. They don't just have sex with me and leave, cheapening the experience. We have sex and then eat and talk and sleep and then they leave when they're good and ready. I like that very much.

In other news, my sister was diagnosed bipolar on Monday, Dec. 1st. Although it's really hard for my mom, dad and I, we are finding the humor in it, because she says the craziest shit. One of my favorites was "Girl, I can hear things now. I'm like Superman." They get better and better as time goes on. Although I help us find the humor in it, I feel guilty for being away from home. I wish I could help out, give my parents a break. I don't spend much time crying, but I do spend a bit of time thinking of my sister.

I'll be relieved to go home. Next week I'm going home on Thursday and staying until Sunday so I can squeeze in family time and help out a little. Can't think of a better way to spend 4 days.

In case you forgot what I look like.

Lately...

I've been lonely. I told you that already. It's been getting better thanks to Dylan and Brandon. Dylan is a surfer/skater/stoner that likes having me over and Brandon is an army man who has to come up to see me (they don't allow the opposite gender in their... I don't know... living quarters).

I met Brandon on OkCupid. He's really funny and fun to hang out with. Very tall, slightly muscular build, dark African skin. He slept over for about two days, it was a blur of sex, Bob's Burgers, sleep, and food. Great, lazy weekend.

I've had Dylan's number since school started. His radio show is before mine, so I'd text him when I was running late. One day, I had totally forgot about my radio show and he was sweet enough to pick me up. He confessed that he saw me on OkCupid for a while, that he's had the app for years and it hadn't worked out for him. Dylan is short, white, with the long blonde hair of a thirteen year old girl and the beard/mustache combo of a viking. Driving back to campus, we decided we should hang out sometime. Even though it was cold outside, about a week later, we went to the beach. We ran 250 feet before we got into the water. He dove into the water and swam, even though it was cold. He helped me find lots of beautiful rocks and shells, it was great.

By the time that was done, we were both freezing and feared hypothermia, so we huddled behind a sandy hill. He gave me his thick, warm camping jacket, and I put his arms around my waist so he could share in the warmth he'd helped foster. I was sitting on his lap and laying on top of him simultaneously, peacefully enjoying the sounds of the ocean just 500 feet away from us. He kept his hands on my back gently, as if I were a balloon that would float away otherwise.

After that, we stood up and the wind hit us. We walked back to our cars and then went to get food. We took it back to his place and watched Archer while we ate. He took me to the Pancake Art Gallery my school had, sweet of him. While seated there, he put his arm around me. We left around 10 and went back to his place. After cuddling for an hour or so, his face was close to mine. I was nervous and awkwardly turned my head to face the tv again when he took my chin in his index finger and thumb, turned my head to face him, and kissed me.

One thing led to another and I spend the night with him. It was awful, haha. I got close to no sleep because he snores in through his nose and out through his mouth. It also didn't help that we didn't actually sleep until 4 or 5 in the morning. But I greatly enjoyed my time with him. Since then, we've gone hiking together and have hung out once more. We're not too big on texting each other, it's nothing like being in-person. Once I get back, I definitely hope to see him again.

However, we're not dating because he hasn't brought it up. I don't like to assume and I don't like to be the one to make it official, because I know most guys don't want that. So even though I really like being with Dylan, I think I'm going to invite Brandon over when I get back. After I see Dylan. I really like being with Dylan and spending the night with him, but I also like when Brandon spends the night. Plus, all of my finals are due the week of Monday, December 1st, so that weekend I will be overjoyed and no doubt craving sex.

I cried listening to music soulchild today. I can't help the fact that I'm lonely. I saw Patrick more often than Darrin or Mark, so I was used to being around him. Also, since he had his own place we had sex more times that I ever have before. Now that all of that intimacy is gone I feel the need to fill it again.

Maybe that's why I've been dipping my finger in cream cheese icing lately. And there's no question that's why I downloaded Tinder and OkCupid (neither of which I recommend, I deleted both). OkCupid was evil. So many Patricks on there, wanting to do everything that couples do but not calling it "dating".

Although OkCupid is better because you answer questions and then it matches you with other people and shows the percentage match you are

I don't know where I'm going with this. I downloaded Skout and it's somewhat better. I go on it and people compliment me and some others I chat with for hours. One guy named Eric has become a friend of mine, we chat pretty frequently.

Still, I'm moving forward, so onward and upward I suppose.

foolishness

Why do we love to do things bad for our bodies?

We smoke cigarettes and don't bother trying to quit. We drink alcohol until it poisons us. We "try" cocaine, heroine and meth even though we know they're terrible for us.

In the movie Sex Tape, Cameron Diaz's

Character does cocaine with her boss and it's presented in a comical way. Throughout the rest of the movie they don't show her craving it or going through withdrawl.

Part of the reason that people do things like this, I think, is because it is illegal. It's a forbidden fruit type thing. I'm inclined to say to just legalize it. That way the prices will go down and the people that want to do drugs can do them.

Those who educate themselves and their children will steer clear of such things. Other countries have legalized all drugs and it has brought the rates of use down considerably.

I am not suggesting that it's better for us to use drugs rampantly, only that we are adults and we should decide what we spend our money on. Eventually, people will become more wise about drug usage and the consequences.

I just thought of something.

As mad as I am at Patrick, I can't help the simple fact that I'm in love with him. I've been denying it since he basically said we were never together and we don't have a future together, but it's true.

I can't even remember him with anger. I play back the time we spent together, him making me breakfast, holding my hand, kissing me before class, taking me out because "I look so pretty".

Even though I know he doesn't feel the same way, my brain wants what who wants. The more I think about him, the more my anger fades. Of course he doesn't want to date someone like me; he's gorgeous and bisexual and he really likes to sleep around. 

It was silly of me to think I was special in his life. Even though I know I'm not and I never will be, I can't help but smile when I think about him. The puns he would randomly say, how he would always invite me to sit on his lap by just pulling my hips there, the first time he kissed me.

The first time we made out. Him inteoducing me to Jhonny as "this lovely lady right here". At my first party when he called me baby for the first time and said I was too good to him. Walking with him. I told him about Star Jasmine and he took me to this house that had a fence covered in it.

The night we drank Sangria on the beach. We just drank and talked and then he lay on top of me while he kissed me. And then after he said, "Let's get outta here," we folded up the blanket and walked back to his place.

I remember that once I said, "It seems like most of our relationship is folding blankets."

The way he would look at me and smile was unearthly. He adored my face and my eyes.

I could go on and on. But I won't, for my sake. I've stopped trying to fight the memories that come, but they usually end in me crying and/or wondering what Patrick is doing this very moment.

Which, I assume, isn't particularly healthy. So I get lonely and download dating apps on my phone and then delete them after a short time. It's an endless cycle.

Halloween was fun!

I met my friend's boyfriend of five years. They are just the cutest quiet, shy couple ever. I met my other friend's boyfriend too. He's cute but they're awkward together. They're a newer couple of only a month, so they're still sorting things out.

I also met lots of fun people at this halloween party. My friends have awesome friends.

Here it is again, Sunday morning. I have homework to do and I don't want to do it. My neck hurts and I just wanna go back to sleep. It's my own fault, I haven't done yoga in a while. I should do it today..

Also, our VPA department had a Día de los Muertos celebration last night, it was great. Hot chocolate, pan dulce, Aztec dancers, altares and of course calaveras de azúcar. I love looking in on other cultures. Okay, probably yoga? Then breakfast. Then homework, then laundry today. 

I've decided

Being in a romantic relationship is no good for me. I fall too hard and fast.

Plus, I treat myself really well. I exercise, I love myself the way I am, I feed myself a lot, and I take myself out.

My plan now is to just buy a dildo and shut the hell up. I always fall for people who don't want to date anyone. Well, don't want to date me.

Why push it? People aren't interested in being with me, and I can accept that. There are other things that are a much better use of my energy.