Go on

As I sat waiting in my car to deposit my check, someone walk near my car. I waited for them to leave before I got out of my car, I was scared. It was 10 PM and I was by myself. Once I walked over to deposit my check I heard a man's voice call out to me. I couldn't hear and the man looked polite enough, so I walked towards him. He asked if I knew any good place to camp out because he was homeless. I told him a place that he could camp out, but told him that there are some patrolman that sometimes go around to check parking, and that he should be careful to stay near the water in the street. He thanked me for the advice and then turned to walk away. I feel so guilty for being a for being afraid of him when he just wanted to know a safe place to camp out for the night. And it got me thinking, life is hard for a lot of people, how dare I let anything stop me from helping people. That's what I was meant to do, I always knew it. People in the world have very bad lives. I know there are some people who devote their lives to changing legislation, to activism, but I need to be the person that goes and actually helps. And nothing should get it The way of that, not even my grief. Because life goes on.

Life isn't fair

But what else is new?

My mother will never be as happy as she was when Tristan was alive. When I have my first child, we'll cry. We'll cry for happiness and we'll cry for sorrow. We'll celebrate life and acknowledge it's eventual evaporation. For what else can we do?

Here I sit in my room talking to Tristan's spirit. Telling him he is loved and never forgotten. Even in his death I send him positive energy. I tell him he is so loved. I tell him we would do anything for him. I tell him that even though he is gone, he is a part of our hearts and we will always love him.

Even though I find myself thinking, Tristan will never experience this. He'll never eat at a Benihana, I am almost glad he is gone. He would have grow up with two abusive parents that sheltered him from real love.

Months before, she asked us not to contact her and Tristan. She asked us to stop being in his life. At the time, that was too much. My mother and I cried on the phone when she told me. It wasn't fair of her to take him from us.

And now that we'll never see him again... That's too much for my soul to handle. I find myself crying, screaming. He would have turned three on February 27th. That makes me sick to my stomach. But when I go to the toilet, I can't be sick. All I can do is cough and drool, dry heave and cry.

I want to be sick. I want something to hurt so I can fix it. I want something to be physically wrong with me so that I can make it right, because I can't make my mind right. I can't stop the horrific images of what his last moments were like.

I can't stop the sorrow. I can't stop the pain and I can't stop him from being dead. I can only whisper to him. Send him all the positive energy I have. I can only remember him dancing, talking and yelling. Smiling and happy at Christmas time.

But Christmas will never be the same. Nothing will ever be the same.

-_-

I can't donate blood until September 1st because I had sex with Patrick, who's slept with other men. That would've been nice to know before I drove all the way to the donation center. I guess I'm also upset for lots of reasons.

I've been irritable lately. I don't think it's a part of the grief process, but it very well could be. I don't wanna go out really, I want to sleep and eat. Hopefully Stirling will make me do outdoorsy stuff this weekend. His mom is going out of town, so I'm spending this weekend with him. Should be awesome :)

Happier

It's so nice having a boyfriend that's as attentive as Stirling is. He's really amazing because he can tell when I'm upset and he isn't freaked out by it. He's really good with my emotions and with my physical distress. He gives me lots of massages whenever I need them, and even when I don't.

Here's the story: we went to the beach and sat down in the sand with our subway sandwiches. We dug a hole for the bonfire and put the newspaper, pinecones, and wood in the hole. I wrapped myself in the blanket that I made and snuggle close to him while he watched the sunset. Once the sun was looking like it was going to set soon, I grab the bag of gifts that I made him. I made him a poster with the pictures from when we went to the Monterey Bay aquarium, a blue and green art piece that I made, a blue heart that I crocheted, and a Cthulhu mug (because he loves everything Cthulhu).

I did everything I meant to do except it took me a long time to sing to him. I have the perfect song picked out; The way I am by Ingrid Michaelson. I have been practicing in for about a week before hand but once it was time to sing, I was really nervous. Interesting because I haven't been nervous in a very long time. But I was nervous to sing to him. It took me a long time to summon up the courage, but finally well if you're watching the fire on their very cold night on Carmel beach, I sang to him and I think he liked it.

On the way home, we stopped at a Safeway and he picked up some Smirnov ices that we drink at his place while we watch the Princess bride. Then we went to sleep and I had to wake up and go to work the next morning. That was the most perfect day that I've ever had with just one other person. It'll be hard to top that day ever again.

I really like that I make him so happy just by being me. He doesn't want me to change, he doesn't want me to be less myself. He's completely happy with me being anything really. And I really like spending time with him. He is probably the most considerate person I've ever met, massaging my hands, my back, my neck… whenever it looks like I might be in physical pain, he's there to help me out.

But perhaps the best thing about Stir Fry is that we can have respectful intellectual arguments about anything. We often talk about women who call themselves feminists that aren't, because that particularly upset him, but whenever we argue we do it from a place of respect. I hadn't gotten that from a romantic partner before him.

In other news, I am indeed going to London over the summer. I just turned in my application for the scholarship today, and will see if I get it! Despite everything shitty that's been happening in the past couple months, I'm really glad that I didn't have to slow down my life too much for it. Although I miss my nephew and my sister is now in a ward, I am still going forward with everything I plan to do. And I am proud of me for that because that proves to me that I am a strong person.

What I've been trying to do is see the beauty in life especially after my nephew was murdered. Even while we were in North Carolina, I found beauty in the bowl that I made for my mother, the throw that I made for myself and the second that I made for my parents. Now I find beauty in the sky, the wind in the trees, the hearts that I crochet, the art that I do, in life itself. It's a difficult thing to go through, but I have such a great network with my parents, Stir Fry, and my very strong will. I've never been the type of person to close my heart for any reason, and I won't start now.

Lately

I broke down on Thursday night. I guess it finally hit me everything that happened to Tristan. I screamed and cried as I drove home from work. The grief cycle is pretty weird, I thought it would be over, but apparently it takes a really long time. I don't know. 

Anyway Valentine's Day is coming up. Still and I are going to eat lunch at sunset on Carmel beach. And really great especially now with going on. I'm good with just letting me talk and listening to me. Today is February 9 and I have an appointment with the counselor again. She said she wanted to just meet up with me again and see how I was doing. She said that I'm handling this relatively well for the situation but that I could use some help. And that's true, I really need some strategies for when my mind starts to wonder because I thought about hurting myself in the library. It was really scary so I called my dad and we talked for a long time. He said that he felt the same way closer to the incident but that he was better now. It helps that I'm biking every day at 6 AM because at least my body is physically healthy, even if I'm not mentally okay.

In other news I am really sick of thinking about Patrick. He doesn't even care about me so I don't know why my mind keeps going back to him. Stirling is a nice guy and he cares about me and I'm really glad to be with him but some things just will always make me think of Patrick and that really sucks.

But then again life sucks doesn't it? Isn't it a listen here out of really terrible really sad things some beautiful things are born from them. That's what I'm thinking about, how after Tristan I made some very beautiful things like that bowlsket with the pretty yarn and the two couch throws that I made.

I don't know when reading this post or who it's for but here it is I guess. If this seems awkward and choppy it's because I'm using talk to text while I'm cooking for myself. Some other updates are then balancing work and school is more difficult than I thought it would be. Also one of my bosses is very upset when I can't work, it's not fair that she makes us feel guilty for not being available, I have a life outside of Benihana. Anyway on my drawing class is picking up a little bit and my tile and Mosaic class is very fun, we're actually making our own tiles which is really awesome.

One well another good thing about biking in the morning I don't have the physical symptoms that come with the grief process because my body's too busy exercising. It's almost like healthy body, healthy mind.

This is really all over the place, I don't think I'll use talk to text again for blogging. It's much better to type out my ideas so that I can organize them, this post is now pretty awkwardly unorganized. I guess that's it for now, nothing else is really new.

The song Little red Corvette makes me think of Patrick. It's all about this person that Prince really likes but sleeps around a lot and Prince wants her to only sleep with him. I don't know I keep thinking about Patrick especially with everything that's going on, but I can't help it. I mean when you find something that you really believe is love you hold onto it. But I guess it only went one way because he let go of me.

First day of school!

Spring semester here at CSUMB. I have class in an hour. I'm excited, actually. I have lunch packed and my work clothes in my backpack. On Mondays and Wednesdays, Stir Fry and I are gonna eat lunch together on campus.

Also, I'm not eating processed food anymore, so I eat only vegetables, fruits, breads, pastas, organic chips, legumes, you get the idea. So for snack I'll probably boil some eggs.

Lots of my friends go out to eat, so it'll be a little difficult, but I'm up for it.

I missed a call from a psychologist I met with. She was just checking on me, seeing how I'm doing. She knows everything that happened and thinks I'm grieving properly and that I'll be okay once I'm done grieving.

That reminds me of something I like about Stir Fry; he knows when to just let me talk. Once I found out about Tristan, we skyped and I just talked, for I don't know how long. Another time I asked him to just keep talking while I fall asleep so that I would fall asleep with his thoughts and not mine. He's so nice. 

Oh also, Stir Fry's mom is going out of town Th-Sun so I'm gonna stay there Thursday night to Sunday, depending on what my work schedule will be.

I think that's all the random updates I have... Oh no, my new roommate Nsharra. She's a sophomore which I didn't want, she gets really drunk which I didn't want, but I suppose compared to other 19 year-olds, I'm glad we have her. She and I share a room which is difficult, we both like to watch tv shows before we fall asleep, so we have to use headphones. But she is pretty great, she helps me clean up the kitchen, and the first night she was here, she held the dustpan while I swept. So points for her.

I FaceTimed with my parents last night, I can tell they miss me, but they really want me here, away from Cianne, away from them, focusing on me. And so I shall. My first class today is voice training and two people I know are taking the same class, so it'll be fun. I suppose I should be warming up, but I'm not done with my breakfast.

Okay, I do believe that's all the random update news I have. Overall, I'm doing well! I'll post again sometime this week.

I thought about Patrick while watching Silver Linings Playbook. I was thinking about the connection people can feel upon first looking someone in the eyes, he's the only one I've had that with and it's been mutual.

And I've decided to ask Stir Fry to be my boyfriend. He really goes out of his way to satisfy and care for me. And while I'm thankful, I also feel bad. I've done so little for him and yet he enjoys bending over backwards for me. I guess the only thing I can do is spend whatever time I have with him making him happy as well. I have big plans for Valentine's Day! I just hope I'm not working.

Oh, I'm training to be a host at Benihana on Tuesday!! Finally, employment! 

Lots of shitty things happened in the recent past. I'm just glad that life and love go on. 

I'm afraid of what life will do to a relationship.

So many things can happen. Things I never would've imagined in a million years have already happened. My nephew is gone. I thought that the love a mother has for her child could keep that relationship strong, but that's not always true.

I thought the love one person has for another could keep that relationship strong, but things like distance, abuse, jealousy, and misplaced emotions tear relationships apart.

Sometimes life gets in the way, and if that's true, what's the point of trying to date someone? I have a great time just sleeping with people and remaining friends with them, but I met someone who's again making me question what I thought I knew.

I call him Stir Fry. He's the nicest, sweetest, nerdiest, most awkward person I've ever met. And he's just great. He makes chainmail bracelets, so he understands how I feel when I crochet. Besides that, he's good company, a great listener and has the most awesome friends.

But what happens if I open my heart again? Anything could happen. Any terrible thing could befall either of us. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm afraid, and there's nothing I can do about it. But I don't wanna spend my life being afraid to love either..

I don't know.

Stir Fry and I are going to Carmel Beach for Valentine's Day, we're gonna have a bonfire and some food, it'll be a nice romantic time. I suppose if someone asked me to be their girlfriend, Stir Fry would be a definite yes, no question.

Typed on December 26th, 2014. Never posted.

Tristan, it's your Auntie Shantie. Yesterday was Christmas and you were nowhere to be found. No matter what the investigation may be, we're still hoping you're alive and that you just wandered off somewhere. We hope they find you, because you can't be gone. You still have so much to do and experience. No one should take that away from you.