Patrick is gone.

I'm hurt.

Although I still do the things that make me happy, he creeps into my mind when I least expect it. Laying on the floor watching Orange is the New Black it hit me. I was on my stomach, my palm face down by my head. The same way it is when I lay on top of him. My hand would be on his chest, following the grain of his hair up to his neck.

When that moment was over I was hurt again. On the inside. Knowing that he's just gone. And now that he is gone, my mind goes everywhere. Wonders how after only two months my heart doesn't appear my own.

Though our relationship was sexually open, I wonder about the romantic side. He kissed someone else, before he left. But he wrote me this beautiful poem about the spark between us, and how it will always be there.

Now that he's gone I'm starting to question if his feelings for me were true. (This is why long distance doesn't work for me, my brain does thinky things.) I wonder if he really likes who I am now or the idea of who I could be when I'm his age. Of course when he was here, I had no question. It was obvious.

He was proud to tell people that I was his girlfriend, complemented and kissed me in front of people, made me feel just so special. The thought of him making someone else feel that way churns my stomach. The friend he kissed saw us holding hands, must have known we were together, but didn't care.

I'm busying myself with things to try to keep my mind off of him and my tears on my eyeballs where I need them to be. I also want to busy myself to get rid of these feelings. I'm so confused. While I feel I might love Patrick, I reject the thought so much. I've said this before, been here before. I always seem to look back on past relationships and disagree with my actions and words. The picture is me, trying to hold myself together.

I heard somewhere that love is struggling to accept someone exactly as they are right now. But what if I'm always struggling to do that and the other person never is?

I'm still confused. At the same time that I can see a future with him, I feel that he's hurt me. And I suppose I blog about it because I can't bring myself to call him. I already know what he'll say. "I like you, you know that."

"I can see a future with you also."

"That's silly. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"We agreed we'd have a type of open relationship."

I realized that's not what I want. When I saw Patrick for the first time, something locked in place. Our eyes fixed on each other and for a 100 year split second, we were frozen. That has never happened to me before. It wasn't his looks that caught me, it was him. It was as if I was looking at his personality first, and his outward appearance second.

I miss Patrick, if you can't tell. I'm saying and feeling so many things because I need to get them all out. Right now I can't think clearly. I can't get into my bed at night without remembering him. I think of him often and miss him constantly. To make matters worse, my best friend has been missing in action since yesterday, when I really needed to talk and cry to him.

I needed to get all of this out because these feelings aren't going anywhere. They appear and then nag me and fester inside of me. I want to move on and find someone else to distract me but at the same time I know that would be pointless and hurtful to that person because Patrick is my long-term plan. When I'm ready to settle down, it'll be with him.

I'm afraid, though. That he'll want to "settle" in another open relationship. That he's just the kind of person that isn't satisfied with only one sexual/romantic partner. That I have these serious feelings and plans, and that he doesn't feel them as intensely.

Not that it would be better if he felt the way I do. I'd say it would be worse, actually. That he may feel the way I do, as intensely as I do, and still feel that I'm not enough. That sexually, romantically, age-wise, I'm not enough. He wants more than I can possibly offer.

I don't know if I will believe what I'm saying tomorrow, or the day after that, but right now this is real to me. I miss him, and I'm sad. And I might love him, which makes me sadder. And he might not feel the same way, which deepens my sadness. And he may feel the same way I do, which deepens it more.

No matter what, we'll be away from each other for at least 4ish years, in which time he'll find someone new.

I don't want to do another long distance relationship, but I don't want to date anyone else but him. This whole situation makes my stomach hurt. 3:29am Monday morning and I can't get this out of my head.

I suppose the bottom line is I miss him, and there's nothing I can do about that.