The fuuutuuuuure

Is scary. I'm afraid of what may or may not happen, how things may or may not turn out.. Especially because I'm in a long distance relationship, so a big part of planning my future will involve my boyfriend of 11 months. (Hold your applause until the end, please.) I think I'm pretty set on being a high school teacher and then if that becomes too much, moving on to college; but I do feel I have something to contribute to younger kids. Ugh, that word. Kids. When I was younger, I was sooo set on finding my one true love and getting married and having kids, but now that I'm 18 and in college, I don't even wanna think about it! My older half-sister (who's 5 years older than me) has a kid that she wasn't planning on having. He has to be the cutest little boy I've ever seen! But I guess it hit me that she isn't really financially stable, and now her whole life is going to be about her child... I don't think I'm ready for that. She's not even married either. That sounds like drama if they ever break up. I want to be married before I have any children. But ughh there's that word "married".

I thought I wanted to be married my whole life, and now I'm scared shitless of saying the word. Like it's (supposed to be) a lifetime commitment, and I'm just barely an adult. I have to file taxes for the first time once Great America sends my W2... Before I left to go visit my boyfriend, my mom said she'd be okay if I came back engaged. When I told his mom that, she asked if I was pregnant!! I'm feeling really uneasy about.. I guess how ready my mom is for me to be married... I mean it's great that she approves of my boyfriend but I'm waaay to young to be thinking about getting married or being pregnant. I don't know how to live with someone. I don't know how to be a wife, I don't know how to be a mother and I don't wanna have to think about it for about the next seven years. In 5 years I'll have my teaching credential. Two years after that I'll (hopefully) have had a job for at least a year.. I think by then, I'll be okay talking about marry-preggy-future stuff. Right now, I'm so not ready. I put a ring on my amazon wish list because it's my birthstone... I think I might delete it from my wish list and just buy it for myself... I just got really sad and stuff, I don't even know why...

Craziness

So craziness has been happening. A month ago (I think) I met this guy on the bus and we started talking. At the end of the bus ride he asked for my number and we begun our friendship. We'd take each other to lunch and text. That was up until thanksgiving, when he told me that he'd fallen in love with me. "I don't believe in God," he said, "but I prayed that I'll end up with Axanti." That hit home. He went on to say that he could love me more than anyone else could and that he wished he was Darrin (my boyfriend). He kept saying he loved me and then said the we could never speak again because he was torturing himself seeing me with someone else.

That on top of the rough patch my boyfriend and I have been going through equals one confused mind. I was soo confused. Did I love him too? No, actually, I didn't. My sympathy for him manifested itself in a strange way at a vulnerable time. It's Saturday night and he texted me again, saying something is missing from his life. What is happening?? He knew from the beginning I was taken. I did nothing other than be polite and give him rides home sometimes. When he told me all of this (on FaceTime), I cried. I cried for so long. I called my amazing friend Steven and told him how I felt: like a horrible person. He comforted me, thankfully. I just hate the burden of ruining someone's life on my shoulders.

Because of my previous posts, I feel the need to reassure you, Mr. or Mrs. reader, that I am not suicidal. Today, although long was very... let's say useful. I ran errands, which with no car took literally all day. I woke up at 6:30, and I am home now at 3:16. Literally, ALL DAY. But awesome things are going down this week! Number one: Dad's birthday is tomorrow. It's kind of bittersweet because he never knows what he wants or what he wants to do, so we have no idea what gift to get him. Friday is the Employee Luau!! Weeeee, I can't wait to hang out with Lex! She put in her two weeks notice, and is leaving me soon :/ I can't believe it! She's like my best work friend ever, and she's leaving :( What ever shall I do? That wasn't sarcasm, I am highly upset. How could she leeeeeeeeeeeeeave? :/ Bleh. She's a really great friend and now I won't see her around anymore. It sucks. Oh, I just found out that instead of working 3pm-11 this Saturday and Sunday I'm working ONE P.M. TO ELEVEN. I should be upset but I'm thinking about the money! Money money money monay... MONAY! Whoo whoo, big paychecks! My second to last stop today was to Sally's Beauty Supply to get some bleach. Time to test it out!

Honest self-analysis

I don't know what happened. I was such a happy child and I used to love making new friends. I think the combination of high school and two long-distance relationships did it. High school, first of all. Hard to make friends hard to make good friends. Throughout my four years of high school, I'd been searching desperately for that one best friend, since the girl I grew up with and the girl I named my best friend live in Pennsylvania. The search failed, time after time. After a while, people just forgot about me. Freshman to sophomore year, my friends split up and chose other friends to be around. It happens, right? I read somewhere that people change friends about every seven years. As true as that may or may not be, my mom found a best friend in high school, so I feel a little behind.

Everyone tells me that college is the time and the place, it'll happen in college. Well, what if the problem isn't school, what if the problem is me? My mom told me once that she sees me becoming anti-social. I didn't agree with her, I thought it absurd. I'm the chatty person, the one that loves talking to people! No way I'm anti-social. Now that I take a closer look in the mirror, my boyfriend is my world. I text him, call him, skype him all the time. I don't shut everyone out and I text my other friends, but my boyfriend is the only one that answers most of the time. Maybe that's my fault too? Have I made the impression that there's only one best friend for me and it's not anyone on this planet? Maybe I need to stop using "best friend". Maybe one good friend that I can talk to is better than a so-called "best friend".

One other person labeled me one of her best friends. I swear, mid-sentence I was thinking, "How rude! I'm just one of many," but now I'm thinking. If you have one best friend who knows everything, that friend could disappear and you'd be left with nothing. Maybe I don't need a best friend, maybe I need best friends.