The fuuutuuuuure

Is scary. I'm afraid of what may or may not happen, how things may or may not turn out.. Especially because I'm in a long distance relationship, so a big part of planning my future will involve my boyfriend of 11 months. (Hold your applause until the end, please.) I think I'm pretty set on being a high school teacher and then if that becomes too much, moving on to college; but I do feel I have something to contribute to younger kids. Ugh, that word. Kids. When I was younger, I was sooo set on finding my one true love and getting married and having kids, but now that I'm 18 and in college, I don't even wanna think about it! My older half-sister (who's 5 years older than me) has a kid that she wasn't planning on having. He has to be the cutest little boy I've ever seen! But I guess it hit me that she isn't really financially stable, and now her whole life is going to be about her child... I don't think I'm ready for that. She's not even married either. That sounds like drama if they ever break up. I want to be married before I have any children. But ughh there's that word "married".

I thought I wanted to be married my whole life, and now I'm scared shitless of saying the word. Like it's (supposed to be) a lifetime commitment, and I'm just barely an adult. I have to file taxes for the first time once Great America sends my W2... Before I left to go visit my boyfriend, my mom said she'd be okay if I came back engaged. When I told his mom that, she asked if I was pregnant!! I'm feeling really uneasy about.. I guess how ready my mom is for me to be married... I mean it's great that she approves of my boyfriend but I'm waaay to young to be thinking about getting married or being pregnant. I don't know how to live with someone. I don't know how to be a wife, I don't know how to be a mother and I don't wanna have to think about it for about the next seven years. In 5 years I'll have my teaching credential. Two years after that I'll (hopefully) have had a job for at least a year.. I think by then, I'll be okay talking about marry-preggy-future stuff. Right now, I'm so not ready. I put a ring on my amazon wish list because it's my birthstone... I think I might delete it from my wish list and just buy it for myself... I just got really sad and stuff, I don't even know why...