I just feel like blogging again, it's therapeutic. I wanna talk about Patrick again, haha. I know, third post in a row he's come up in but let me finish! He's a person worth writing about. We do this thing where when we talk, we usually don't look at each other for too long because it leads to us kissing. Remember when I told you about the first time we saw each other? It's the eyes. Real, true attraction (not sexual) happens at the eyes. And I get lost in his. His eyes and his smile are enchanting. This is pretty new to me. I would think I'd be timid around him because he towers over me but his overall presence is like a flower blooming when the sun comes out. He opens up to everyone and everything, and is at peace with the cosmos. He also loves the sun more than I do (and I have one tattooed on my back). When he finds himself in the sun's rays he tilts his head back, sigh-moans and smiles. It's the most adorable thing I've ever seen. Pure happiness was never so apparent. This is what attracts me to him. He's connected with nature as I am. He is at peace with the world and more importantly with himself. Something interesting that I found is that his life line (I think) on both his palms stops after a while, as if his life is his to write, determined by no one. I found it interesting.
You might think I'm crazy. I'm blogging about someone I just met who's already made such a huge impression on me. I think that's how my mom feels too. She disapproves of how I wear my heart on my sleeve, care too much and share personal details. After I showed her a picture of Patrick, she took my phone and read our texts. She thought I shared too much with him, that he wouldn't be interested in me if I told him everything up front, but that was bot the case. Patrick is a listener, and he himself doesn't hide anything. He's great and I hope that in some way, shape or form he's always in my life. Anyway, it really hurt my feelings that she criticized me. So much so that I began to cry. (Misinforming me, remember?) she gave her opinion when I didn't want it and I felt as though she asked me to stop being myself. To be someone else until I lure him in and he has no choice but to accept me. This was definitely not how she meant it, but it's how I felt. Of course, I was so hurt I didn't tell her this. I'm still trying to work on controlling my emotions because they embarrass me.
The other day in class I criticized the material we were "learning" in my Intercultural Communications class, because from my perspective, it was one-sided and irrelevant to the chapter we are on. He began talking to us about slavery in America and how it has manifested itself into discrimination towards blacks today, then he moved on to hate crimes against those who are Jewish. I told him that it was one-sided because there are so many groups he could have talked about, but he singled out the two that we ALL learn about in high school, slavery and the holocaust, over and over is all we learn. He could've talked about discrimination towards those of Asian descent after Pearl Harbor, those of Arab descent (or who appear to be) after 9/11, how the Hmong people even today do not receive veterans' benefits (this is in our current chapter). Even if he did though, this relates to our previous chapter. I told him this, chapter one was about why intercultural communication is important. What you're talking about now represents some extreme examples of what happens when we are not able to communicate interculturally. I was so proud that I finally got up the courage to say this to him in front of the class but my voice was shaking and it sounded like I was crying or getting ready to.
My emotions were burning so hotly, plus I was nervous to speak out so openly, maybe I was going to cry. It happened before. Giving a speech in my Speech class, I became so nervous I actually cried. I've never been so embarrassed. Only a few of my friends have seen me cry because I'm pretty happy these days, just living life, getting ahead with homework and playing guitar. My emotions frequently tell me "that thing upset you!" and then leave me crying for about an hour. I understand a good cry is healthy every now and then, but I do it more often than I'd like to. When something makes me upset I want to acknowledge it, collect myself, and confront the issue when my emotions won't impair me. That will definitely take time and I'm not sure I know how to reach that goal, but I definitely want to try. I really missed blogging. It's matched by nothing; I type faster than I write so it's efficient, only a few people know I use this and fewer actually read it, so it's generally private. Although the whole reason I created this was to blog about my life, I hope someone reads this and finds it interesting or can connect with me or learn from my mistakes. Sounds a little Miss America, doesn't it?
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