update!

I've been gone a while! Here's what you missed: my ex and I are now best friends. We were together and doing great, but then I was feeling lonely and tried to break up with him so I could get affection from somewhere. That lasted about 10 hours, then I wanted to call it off. I hated the idea at the end of the day (literally) and I wanted him back. However, then HE started feeling "indifferent" (his words) about our relationship. Those feelings lasted about a week. When they persisted, I said that it's better we break up than one of us be unsure about our relationship, because we should be in a relationship where we're happy to be together. We broke up and he currently has a wonderful girlfriend, from what I've heard. (I haven't met her.) They're actually living together, him, her and his mom.

I forced myself to handle it well. There were a few times when I cried, thinking about the songs I planned to sing to him and things like that, the breakup song that now applies to us. It was a little hard. I jumped back into the dating pool too early, and downloaded Tinder. Shut up, I'm not proud of it. I was lonely. When we broke up it'd been almost seven months since I'd been intimate with someone, in any way. I met a guy who was super sweet but not a good match for me. I began talking to other guys to try and conjure up some magical... something. Then I made myself a deal. I'm transferring to CSU Monterey Bay in the fall, and I'll be there for the next two years. I promised myself, no sex unless I'm in a relationship and no relationship until I am at CSUMB and have known the person at least six months. Well, someone named Patrick just changed all that.

I met Patrick on April 8th in our Abnormal Psychology class. He asked about my tattoo and we started talking after that. Our eyes met once and it was like lightening struck me. I've never felt attraction like that before. The only thing is, we both agreed to stay officially single. More than once. Like three times actually. I'm regretting that decision after today, April 22nd. After our last class we went down to a little garden and sat and talked. We always have the best, most random and profound conversations. I realized what attracts me to him is his presence. He's comfortable in who he is. He doesn't float through life (like people who don't take what's important seriously) but he appears to dance through life with a smile on his face. He's so warm and he makes me feel comfortable. He's unlike any person I've ever met. Here's where I'm conflicted.

I like him A LOT. He likes me too, it's obvious. And I want to be in a relationship with him, but at the same time I don't. I'll have to leave for Monterey in the fall, I'll likely be away from him in the summer, but I can't help but feel drawn to him. I don't want to throw any words out here that I might regret, but I really do like him, and I don't know how to deal with this internal conflict. I wouldn't feel as bad if he didn't say he wanted to stay single too. This means that if/when I tell him what I'm feeling, he could apologize for leading me on and suggest we discontinue our affectionate, couple-like ways. I really don't want that. He makes my day. Although there is some sexual frustration, we have a good time just enjoying each other's company and conversation. Part of me wants to keep my thoughts in my head, the other part wants to scream them out. Blogging helps, I guess, but the summersaults my stomach is doing won't let up. I know they won't until I tell Patrick what I'm feeling, but I think it's the wrong time for this. I just checked my lady calendar and my period is expected in 4 days. Maybe that's why I'm feeling this so deeply. I'm going to put this off a couple days until my hormones level out and I have a clear head. My emotions are just information, and they tend to misinform. Hope you enjoyed catching up on my life!