mood explanation/ other things

I should've went running with Patrick. I hadn't realized until today how long it's been since I was active and how that's affected me. While I was taking body sculpting at De Anza I was generally in a good mood, understandably. I've been emotionally spiraling lately, and this time my period is way too far off to blame.

I've been cooped up inside for the passed.. month. Doing homework mostly, and other necessary things like cleaning and organizing. But I'm gonna try to start exercising more often, it's good for me. Today I ran with Milo, then came inside and did solo combat abs, Russian twists, pushups, some glute workouts and ended with yoga (a few quick poses because I was feeling nauseous).

Jhonny, the sweet guy who invited me to his house party started a sparring club today. I don't know what possessed me to want to join it but I do. Wrestling is definitely not my thing, at least not now. I have no formal training and don't think I'd want to wrestle even if I had some. But sparring brings back good times for me.

Taekwondo with the other families in Philadelphia. I know this will be less like that, but I'm excited nonetheless. I've never had a black eye or broken bone before. Bruises on me have always been small. Maybe feeling tough physically will rub off on me mentally.

I was looking at the word therapist in my psychology textbook. It's made of two words. "the" and "rapist". I know, it comes from "therapy" but still. Strange. Like how slaughter and laughter are one letter away from each other.

I'm behind in my schoolwork, again. These three classes have so much reading between them. Only 20-30 pages per chapter but they're dense and my tests are based off of the text, so I have to know it all. I found I can read a chapter a day when I get home but that means I get home at seven, start reading immediately, then go to bed at nine (and the reading takes two hours) so I'm rested for the next day. This commute really sucks. But it's May, I have two months left until I graduate and then have orientation at CSUMB! I have to persevere.

Darrin and I are weird, and awesome as always. I called him crying like I always do. He was sweet and helped me out like he always does. I'm glad that I kept my best friend in the divorce. I don't understand how people can break up and never want to speak to each other again. Darrin knows me, he can anticipate my reactions and emotions. I'm glad he still feels that I'm important to him in some way, shape or form.

I'm always surprised how people see me. I've been asking myself lately what people see in me. I see myself as weak, needy, overly playful and mildly annoying at best. I wondered why Patrick hasn't decided I'm too much. That I'm not good enough, too stuck in my head and not grounded in life. Why Yasmine and Robert haven't decided they're not getting anything out of this friendship.

Switching gears a little bit, I've found I don't like the way I am in certain situations. At Vicky's, I feel like a child sometimes. She is also very controlling and I'm not very assertive, so that's part of why. But certain times I just stand awkwardly, twiddle my thumbs and swing my arms like an impatient child. I always told Darrin situations are only awkward if you make them so. If that's true, what am I doing and how do I stop?

I want to be 100% honest with myself and with other people but I still can't. Sometimes, I need to just tell Vicky to shut up, sit down and let me do things. On a separate occasion, I needed to tell the truth when it was easiest to, and I didn't. I blamed myself and made myself look weak.

I hate that I have a hard time telling people when they've hurt my feelings or embarrassed me. I can do it through text message now, which I couldn't before, but that's not where I want to be. I want to be able to say, plain and simple, "That hurt my feelings." Even though that almost always is not the person's intention, I still can't say it. I know the opportunity will present itself again for me to be honest about what I blamed myself for, I just hope I can be brave and say what I want to say.

It's something I have to work on. I don't want to put myself down anymore, I've done enough of that already to last me my whole life. Time to start embracing who I am, changing what I can and accepting what I can't. Right now, though, it's 11:43pm and my alarm goes off at 5 sharp.