All of those things are red flags for me, but what drew us together was our great conversations. The first time I met D, we talked for about six hours on the phone, about funny, awful, amazing things I don't even remember.
We didn't end up together because he lives in another city and wasn't willing to give up his lifestyle. However, when we were together it was like... Yes. This is how a relationship should be. We were nervous and excited and he kissed me very often and he was so very sweet.
I'm not sure if this was a legitimate experience or if it was so perfect to me because I hadn't really had anything like it before.
I'm reminded of Jhonny in this way. He has a girlfriend and they are super cute together, also he smokes cigarettes, which is the number one "no no" for me. No matte what, I can't date someone who smokes. They would have to have quit at least a month before we even think about dating.
Even though Jhonny and I aren't anything but friends, I can tell that there would be something between us if circumstances were different. From the first moment he spoke to me and our eyes met, he was kind. Sympathetic because he knew I felt out of place. I was literally wearing a bright blue dress and everyone else was dressed in black. I guess they're goth but I see them more as punk/goth.
A strange feeling came over me at Jhonny's party while I was sitting on Patrick's lap and Jhonny and I locked eyes. Was it longing? Jealousy? But how could I have been jealous? That was the first time Patrick called me baby, said I was too good to him. I was happy. How is it possible to be happy and sort of jealous?
I don't feel like this when I see Jhonny with his lady, though. I'm happy they're together and make each other happy. Still I can't help but wonder; if he didn't smoke or if I did, if he was single would it be different?
Part of me wants to doubt this nonverbal connection, but then I think back to when our eyes meet. The slight change of facial expression when Patrick gestured to me and said "this lovely lady right here" when Jhonny asked who'd invited him. Sometimes two people think the same thought, feel the same strange emotion, but doubt it because of the circumstances and/or situation.
I'm certain he thinks of it sometimes. When I post on facebook, he's the first to comment. He didn't go completely facebook stalker like I did, but he liked a few pictures of me, and the ones he chose were interesting. He didn't like the ones where I'm dressed up, wearing makeup and/or posing.
He liked the ones of my face in the nude, of me making silly faces and wearing regular summer clothing. I think he saw who I really am and liked what he saw.
I guess there's a certain poetry in the possibility of two people sharing a deep connection that has the ability to be love, but them being unable to give in to that possibility.
Like that song Erykah Badu sings, "Now what am I supposed to do when I want you in my world? How can I want you for myself when I'm already someone's girl? I guess I'll see you next lifetime, maybe we'll be butterflies..."
In the music video, they meet again in other lifetimes but she never ends up with him, she just keeps saying "see you next lifetime". This really makes me think about the "faithfulness" of my past relationships.
I told myself I'd never break up with someone for someone else. Once the relationship ended, I wondered why I didn't give the person a chance. Particularly one summer when I was in a long-distance relationship with the king of immaturity. Because I was with him, I didn't give in to the obvious attraction I felt to this guy named Luis. He was kind and funny, smart, silly, and he loved Johnny Bravo.
I really wish I would've given it a chance with him. He was one of the few people that could make me happy just being himself. Being silly, dancing around and singing songs with me. Maybe one day I'll have the opportunity again, if he'll give me the chance. I think he has a girlfriend now.
He wasn't an opposite of me, but a compliment to me, my personality. Is it complimentary angles in geometry that add up to 180°? Random thought.
I guess what I'm trying to get myself to see is that sometimes opposites attract, and that's okay. Sometimes you could be dating someone who's nice but not right for you; that's okay too. And, sometimes, you should take a chance on people who make you happy, and that's more than okay.
This tree made me happy.
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