On a different note, I'm enjoying typing html codes. I think I'll start code academy since I have nothing to do at the moment.

I also realized yesterday that the fall quarter is halfway over. This is week six!

I got an essay back from my English Writing 2 class, and basically my grade was a C+. I didn't feel bad because the whole class is going to re-write their essays.

Can you tell I'm having fun with these headers?

Halloween is Thursday and there is nothing for me to dress up as. I think I'm gonna do crazy make up and just be creepy for halloween.

This is header 6.

Disconnected

Black people don't remember that we came from Africa.

Black people also don't remember that much of our community came from white slaveowners.

While I'm in the ranting mood, I'm gonna discuss this.

I listened to two separate comedians on two separate occasions. One, a white male whose name I've since forgotten, and two Eddie Griffin. The first comedian said a lot of things I agreed with, until he asked a question. "When did it stop being cool to believe in God?" He's assuming that more people believed in God before because other people were, and they wanted to belong with other people (Bandwagon fallacy). The next thing he said, I couldn't help laugh at. Poking fun at Atheists, he says "It's not my fault that you have so many piercings that when the wind blows your face sounds like a wind chime." This is a very hasty generalization. He's assuming that all Atheists get their ears pierced multiple times. Although I do have many piercings in both ears and my nose, a friend of mine who is also an Atheist does not have her ears pierced at all. I found it very interesting that this man who I can tell I would be very good friends with me, was trying to get people to believe in God again, because "it's still cool to".

Buckle your seatbelts, here comes Eddie Griffin. He was talking about polytheists and nature worshippers. He said that he doesn't understand how some people don't have a "real" god to pray to, or they pray to the sun and the dirt and wooden things. I find it hilarious that black people defend Christianity in such a fervent manner, considering we all (we as in everyone on earth, not just black people) originated from Africa, where the people worship the sun and wooden idols and where there is a different god for different aspects of life, even different people. I think that black people specifically have forgotten that when we were brought here by white men, we were forced to abandon our religions and adopt theirs; Christianity.

Something else I find interesting is how people assume that all black people are against gay marriage (because they are mostly a part of Christian churches), and have no idea that this belief originates solely from Christianity. Aren't assumptions fun? They are to me. Because in Africa, the belief is that a spirit will possess some of us and give us the desire to be with our same sex. No problem arises from this, no judgement or discrimination, only acceptance. I suppose I find it funny that people say they want to be connected to their roots but learn so little about them.

Another black comedian Aries Spears pointed out that Africans hate black people. All I could think was, I wonder why.

Funny little realization

People are always very surprised when they meet me because I don't represent the stereotype of black women in America.

People always ask me if I listen to rap music, (or why I don't) and don't consider me as much fun as other black people. I was thinking about a passage from Tina Fey's Bossypants, where she had to come to a realization that her gay friends weren't there solely for her entertainment. My personal opinion is that this is something America should consider. Frequently in the media there's a black female providing sassy comments that people find hilarious. America, too, needs to consider that all black women aren't the same, and aren't born and raised to make America laugh. All black women don't say "Mhm," "Lord Jesus," and "ain't nobody got time fo dat!". As funny as it might be, its unfair to expect someone to portray a stereotype for your own entertainment. As a black woman, I find myself disappointed with the expectations placed on black people in America.

Some of it I place on our perception of comedians. We feel that everything they say and do must be true. Just this morning I listened to Gabriel Iglesias' "Racist basket" joke. My mother and I listened and waited for it to get to the funny part, but we were disappointed. He and his friend Martin put Kool-Aid, fried chicken, and a halloween card with ghosts on it in this basket. He imitates a stereotypical black woman saying that he and his friend need Jesus for doing this, and then says that the woman forgets what she said when he offers her $50 to deliver the basket. After the basket is delivered, he tells how the black comedian he gave it to loved everything in the basket. Although this was just a joke, what this says to people is "See? They like it; it's not racist, it's true!"

On a separate note, I don't understand how fried chicken still represents black people, because EVERYONE likes it and EVERYONE eats it, all across the globe. I suppose I'm just frustrated that in this day and age we still classify people into categories set by stereotypes; even worse, that today we still assume that because I know one person of this race that does/likes this, all people of this race do/like this. As if people of the same race are lumped together as being the same. If you're Asian you must ___ because all Asians ___. If you're black, you must ___ because all black people ____. I just hope that as the next generations are born, they learn to be more open-minded and treat people like the human beings they, we are.

I'm exhausted

Waking up at 5am and leaving at 5:30 Mon-Fri is making me irritable and emotional. We can't afford an apartment near De Anza, so I'm stuck doing this for the next 10 months. I am thoroughly exhausted. I need to go to sleep now since I have to be up in less than eight hours. I hate this, I really do. I can't wait to get my bachelor's degree so that I can have a career and pay for all my own necessities. Even typing this, I'm fighting back tears for some reason. I'm probably just sleep deprived.

I probably shouldn't have been driving this morning. I was really tired, hoping traffic would stop so I could close my eyes. It was an agonizing two hours, but once we got to de Anza and got a good parking space, I took a nap. It was 8:19 when I last looked at my phone to set an alarm for 9:20, ten minutes before my class starts. I woke up feeling better, but still generally feeling sleep deprived. Going to bed at 11 and waking up at 5 isn't ideal, but in order to get to De Anza on time, we usually leave that early.

When I'm tired, I'm emotional for some reason. My professor suggested some simple things and I was really upset about it. I can't take criticism well either, so that didn't help. She said I have the whole quarter to work on improving my "logical flow of ideas," and that overall I have good ideas for the paper, it's the government's job to take care of us, but they only want to take care of themselves. Anyway, I'm done with my spins class for the week so this weekend I'M GOING TO BIKE. I don't wanna die Monday morning. Peace off. BOOP!

Aminekos!

The two I've done so far :D

Some things about me

I'm a sore loser. When I play monopoly and make a bad decision, I get sad andI don't want to play anymore. I'm very emotional. I'm easily offended. Even if what's being said has nothing to do with my race/ethnicity. I'm offended by racist jokes, no matter who they are intended for. Another thing about me is that I don't like being the butt of the joke, over and over things. Sometimes it takes me years to figure things out that it takes others a few days or even less. I don't appreciate being made fun of repeatedly. I can laugh at myself, but not over and over again about the same thing, and my family holds on to jokes for a while. My mom and other people close to me tell me to "thicken up my skin" so that the world can't hurt me like it does. I see why she'd want her baby girl to be strong, but why can't I just not be emotionally strong? Why can't that be me. Why can't I just be me, and accept the way I am? Everyone tells me that I need to be stronger, but when someone hurts you to the point you're on the verge of tears, it's not easy to be strong. I have tender feelings, and why can't that be okay? I feel like it's an inconvenience for everyone around me, for me to be how I am. Like people worry about me constantly, people close to me want me to change ME. Not a cool feeling. Even typing this, my eyes are tearing. I can't help it. Maybe I wasn't meant to be strong? Maybe I need strong people around me. Why can't that be my story?

I'm doing last-minute college research so I can start applying to colleges on October 1st. Exactly a week from today. I have to find my immunization records, get tested for TB, find my CSSID (which I haven't seen since 7th grade) ask for letters of recommendation, do campus visits, all while kicking myself for not doing all of this earlier. I don't even have a portfolio to show, which means that I need to haul ass on some pieces that demonstrate my ability and a connection to my brain. I though college would help me be less of a slacker, but without my mom I'd be lost right now. I have a list of 16 things I need to do ASAP, and if I don't count the time it'll take for people to get back to me, this stuff may just take a week. I really want to have all this done by October first, but right now, I have homework to do. My own fault, my own solution. I'd better get to it.

Great America's Food Service Dept.

Needs to work on their communication and clarification of policies. My boyfriend booked a flight for two weeks to see me months in advance, so I started writing it down on the day off request forms. One of the managers said I'd only requested it off a week in advance, and that a two-week vacation is unacceptable for a supervisor. He also said that I would have to call in sick (8 times, which would get me fired). I took my issue to both of our boss, and he said he would try to see if he could fix it. He didn't. I called our Clerk's office to talk to the supervisor there. I asked her to mark me down as sick for the rest of my vacation. She said that was fine and days went by. Then one of my co-workers told me that "they" want me to call the Clerk's office.

Later I speak to the same supervisor who tells me that we're not allowed to mark people down for more than a day when they call in sick, so I have four 'No Call No Show's which is more than grounds for termination. Had I still enjoyed working with the upper-management at Great America, I might be upset, but they have demonstrated time and time again that some problems will not be fixed anytime soon, so I have no problem leaving. I see why so many people leave theme parks. They hire pretty much everyone who applies and the management is not evaluated (as far as I know). I hope my boss responds to the voicemail I left him with "Unfortunately, we'll have to let you go." I am so excited to leave.

Two weeks with my boyfriend

Made him leaving not so terrible. When I stayed with him for a week, I cried my eyes out for a day and a half. This time tears were shed, I'm not going to lie, but I was able to stop crying. I found myself wanting to make myself cry, which was weird, but I didn't do that either. I listened to music on the way to the apartment and when I got here, I watched a movie and then kept busy. Nine hours later, he's home safely and currently FaceTiming with me. He was here, now he's gone. Damn, I miss that man.

Growing up is hard.

I have a hard time being mature and being sincere. When it comes to relationships, I don't handle things the way I should, even though I've repeatedly handled things the immature way. I have a hard time saying "thank you" sincerely. I always do a weird voice or something of that nature and make it awkward. I've tried to be less seemingly sarcastic, and it doesn't work. Maybe my real problem is with gratitude.

Vacation

It's been three months since my last post, but I have something great to post about: I have the most amazing boyfriend that anyone could ask for. So considerate and sweet, so nice to me, I almost can't take it. Last night he rubbed my feet, again. He's still the only one to have done that. Even though I'm on the rag, he still loves being close to me. I actually cried when I realized that this relationship is the most functional one I've ever been with. My family likes him so far, and unlike previous boy/girlfriends, he's going somewhere in life. I'm not saying he's perfect, but neither am I. We go so well together though! I'm so lucky. I'm not gonna say what I'm thinking, but I am thinkin' it. 

Not many people like happy posts about others, happiness isn't interesting. Drama, despair, death, cheating/sex scandals, THEY are interesting, but I've been waiting months for these two weeks. The last time I saw him was in December 2012, and I do not want to think about when he has to leave. This is only day 2 and I'm already in paradise.

I'm an asshole

Because the sun is shining, but I am not smiling and I don't know why.
"Hey Asshole" by Watsky

There is existence outside Earth.

The Fibonacci sequence happens all throughout nature: flowers, pine cones, pineapple. The belief is that this is the most efficient way to grow and create life within the space provided. This is also seen in spiraling sea shells and our spiraling galaxy.

Pictures from the Andromeda Galaxy, our closest neighbor also follow this Fibonacci spiral. Would that not mean that life exists on each spiraling galaxy in some way, shape or form? Out of the eight planets in our solar system, Earth is crawling with all forms of life, and it is believed that Mars once flowed with lively water that may have helped organisms grow (if the planet weren't so close to the sun). I am certain that in the Andromeda Galaxy, at least one planet has rapidly-growing numbers of prokaryotes inhabiting it.

Math can be fun.

Here in America, we take academic skills for granted. People in other states can locate all 50 states and name their capitals, yet in America only a fraction of people can do the same. Math taught in Russia is far more advanced than those taught at the same level in America. I didn't really value math skills until I passed Math 114 at De Anza with an A. That feeling was the best I've felt about a class in a long time. I couldn't depend on my parents to help me with my math homework, they "aren't good at math". I realized I want to be better for my future children. I don't want them to say "my parents aren't good at math," I want them to say "my parents are annoying, but they've always helped me study my math so that I can grasp it." Math 44 has been awesome so far. The class teaches Mathematics that is aimed towards getting you to think critically about situations, which I can say it has done for me. Today my professor gave us a group question.

The question was, if there are n people in a group, how can you prove that at least two people have the same number of friends within said group? There are two possibilities: one person could have 0 friends, and everyone in the group could have one friend within the group. I came up with this: if you have n people and n-1 numbers of friends, the extra person will have to fit into one of the previous numbers.

Confusing? This might help. If there are four people and three flavors of ice cream (Chocolate, vanilla, strawberry), let's assume person one chooses chocolate, person two chooses vanilla, and person three chooses strawberry. Since there are only 3 choices, person four MUST choose C, V, or S, which means there would have to be at least two people choosing the same flavor.

That's the best I can do. My group mates said it was wrong and refuted it, presented their own ideas. We ended up turning in my answer. After our 30min was up, my professor showed us the answer: My answer. Except he said that you could assume that no one has n-1 friends in common and cross that one out, leaving n-2 boxes and still n people, meaning that at least two people would fit into the category of the same number of friends within the group.

Math is a challenge for some people, but it's worth learning.

How to love yourself

1) Accept yourself.
You can't love yourself if you can't accept your own body and spirit. If you're tall, love that you're tall! If you have small breasts, be grateful that you don't have the unwanted attention and back problems that accompany large breasts. You will feel more love for yourself after you accept how you are not only physically
But mentally and emotionally.

2) Change what you can.
If you are overweight, join a gym. Don't get liposuction, because then you'll have to get a tummy tuck also. The under-the-knife method has to be at least 1,000x more expensive than joining a gym and working off the extra weight yourself.
If you hate your face/body, take a look at some people who were born with cleft lips or those whose faces were burned in fires. Makes you appreciate your own face and skin, doesn't it? Also; people nowadays say that girls who wear makeup are "fake," but this is not true. Sometimes a little mascara, blush and lip gloss will make you feel like a whole new person!
If you don't like your body after drastic changes (like you lost 300 pounds but you still hate your figure) take a moment to research paraplegics and war veterans who don't have one or more of their limbs.

3) Treat yourself!
It's Friday! Put done extra meat on your sandwich. Buy yourself something nice! Get dressed up and go out! If you're not good to yourself, who will be good to you? You can't always count on others to make you feel good. Make yourself feel good!

The defeated

I'm out with my mom and sister, we're having a great time at a restaurant. A boy comes up to me, I can tell he needs to locate someone who's pure evil, only he doesn't know who she is. I can locate her and I point to her and mouth the word "Yes". The boy pursues the woman and I never see him again. The woman takes an interest in my family and begins following us. The trouble comes when we're trying to escape and we're trapped in a backyard. A different woman becomes pregnant with nothing, but she craves my children's lives, she draws us to her with some unseen force. I try to move back and use the force pulling me to kick the woman in the face, but the force is not strong enough. I walk backwards step after step as if to wind myself up one final time for the strongest kick I am able. Instead I use a rope I find to secure myself and my kids so that the witch couldn't draw us in any longer. When she realized this, she began moving closer to us to try and take my babies away from me. I secured my children with a rope, a tree and a boulder. The witch got close enough and my toddler was safely with me, but my infant was still inside the ropes I'd secured earlier. I pushed my other child forward to save her sister. She grabbed her sister and the witch got caught in the ropes and was somehow pulled to pieces. Later I was in a kitchen with Daisy, Joanna and my kids and we were all cutting vegetables. Then I got a strange feeling. I told Daisy and Joanna that if a girl appears to stab her with their knives, but then Daisy slumped forward, unconscious. I started to panic. "Joanna!!" I called, cradling her head as her eyes closed and she slumped backwards. The knives just lay there next to each of them. I picked up the knives and ran to go close the doors, then my children's eyes went white. They stood on either side of me, slowly moving towards me. The witch woman's voice called out that I'd have to kill my children to protect them from her. I could never do that, not my children. I dropped the knives and said "Kill me." My possessed children started towards me like animals, picking up the knives. Before the first knife broke my skin, I woke up.

My first

Really scary dream. The brutal kind where I was about to die at the end. I woke up and literally tried to close the closet I sleep next to and hide from the darkness know my room. I shut my eyes, terrified. I couldn't go back to sleep and risk having another dream, but I couldn't face the omni-evil darkness in my room. I called my boyfriend of course. It was 4am my time, 7am his time. He was getting ready for work and didn't mind trying to comfort me while I cried about the dream. It was so evil and brutal.

This experience made me realize that I'm not afraid of anything as much as I'm terrified of my own brain. Even when I go to bed watching SpongeBob like I did last night, it could still throw me a mentally traumatizing curveball like this.

Some of you don't understand. You have dreams like this regularly and have gotten used to them, but at 19 years old, this is the first dream I've had where at the end it came down to letting my possessed infant children kill me with knives so they could live. I cried tears of fear, which I don't think I've ever done before.

If nothing else, I can say life is rich with experience. I'm gonna write the dream in a separate post.

I'm letting stuff go now.

Life is too short to be angry about things that don't matter. For the next 90 years of my life, I'm gonna work on not being angry.

Math

Today I learned that I like to do math without help. When someone finds the answer and tells me, it doesn't help me in any way. I prefer to find the supposed answer on my own and have the ability to say I came up with this!

Love by any other name would make me feel as wonderful.

Darrin is coming to see me FOR TWO WEEKS in August! I can't wait!!!!! He's finally gonna meet my family, friends, see Vacation, everything. It'll be amAAAAZIIIING!!! I really cannot wait. Being without a drug for eight months is torture. My insides are knotted, my heart barely beats, I'm cold inside all the time even when I'm hot. At night when I should be sleeping, I stay awake and look at pictures of us, try to remember his smell, how he smiles at me, how he takes care of me like no one else does. When I was with him I was never hungry. I was never sleepy. My body wanted these things, but as long as my heart was full of his love, I needed nothing else.

Oh, my birthday.

It was pretty awesome. I had the most fun I've ever had in dollar tree, like ever on the day after my birthday. Then we talked (we being Mike, Maggie and I). My parents bought me Panda Express on my actual birthday and my BESTEST FRIEND James spent that day with us. Awesome. It could only have been more awesome if my boyfriend, number one best friend, lover, partner in life, Darrin was there.

Ermahgherd!

I got straight As in the Fall Quarter!! For the first time in my life, math included! I'm so happy, I hope I can keep it up!

I'm taking math 44 which is kind of quirky. My professor won't look anyone in the eye for more than a few seconds, my mom said he's probably a serial killer. He's a pretty nice guy, I think he has a problem with speaking to an audience. It's like if he looks at us, he won't remember what he's trying to say. I've never seen something like this before.

My Public Speaking professor reminds me of my mother. Well, kinda. She's the kind of professor that won't remind you when things are due. My mom is more remind-you-a-lot, then yell at you when you don't remember. Maybe some independence will be what I need to stay on top of my schoolwork.

I'm taking human sexuality. On day 1, we watched one of Madonna's music videos. It was very sexual and depicted homosexual, transgendered, etc. acts with multiple people. Then she brought out a chihuahua dressed in leather (I'm assuming to represent bestiality), and the dog was so clueless! I couldn't stop laughing! People in that class probably thought I was immature, but I kept thinking of how they had to dress the dog in leather before the video and she held the dog just like I used to hold my chihuahua. I couldn't help laughing, it was so funny!! I was good up until she brought the dog into it, so really it's Madonna's fault. This class will be very intense though. She has these speakers who have been raped, who participate in BDSM, who dress up in animal costumes, who have gone through FGM, and I was kind of blown away. This class will help me explore my sexuality and some of my own, completely normal fantasies, Mrs. Joplin says. I believe it. I think this will be a good class for me. Sex and things related to it have always been a big part in my life, since I was a child. I don't fully understand it, but I suppose this class will help a great deal.

My singing final was today. My professor said I did a great job and he I'm on the right track. Liz didn't record it, I forgot to give her my phone; so I figured I'd just sing to Darrin when I got home. I did, and it was hard to sing with him listening. I'd sang to a room full of people earlier and I could barely sing to him. I only sang the second song, the one I was proud of, Tu Lo Sai in the high key. When I was done, he said he didn't think opera is "my thing".

He said that opera singers make weird faces and that you can hear them from very far away. That really hurt my feelings. Italian Arias have helped my voice blossom more than it ever has while I sang in glee club, church choir or anything else. So... I don't know. I picked the songs I did to dedicate them to Darrin, and the whole story of Tu Lo Sai is that someone loves someone else. They're saying "you already know how much I love you, look in your cruel heart and you'll know". So I guess it wasn't worth singing at all. I'm gonna continue singing, but I think from now on I'll only sing for my professors.

Strange coincience?

There's this doodle that I do over and over again, I don't know where it came from, but I do it a lot. It's a compulsive thing that I always find beautiful no matter what. It starts out with a base, usually as a tree or heart and swirls come off of it, spiraling upward and outward, then they end, resembling a tree. I've been doodling like this for years, so you can imagine my surprise when I saw Gustav Klimt's Tree of Life. The only difference between the two (besides his famous golds and browns) is that his swirl more than mine do. Somehow this makes me feel connected to Gustav Klimt, as if somehow we know the same things, have experienced the same joys and pains, and that we are artists because it makes us happy.

To do homework, or not to do homework...

People don't think that alternate universes exist because there's no proof; but people believe that God exists with no proof whatsoever. I think that if something exists in one's mind, it exists. I'm watching this tv show about a wizard who solves crimes using his powers. I was recalled back to a show called Alphas in which people have different abilities, simply through genetics. I think that there are alternate universes, they're called other planets that we cannot reach. Life can exist on other planets where Argon and Carbon are all there is to breathe. Some human-resembling beings may have developed eons away from us, maybe even evolved almost as much as we have. Did that spin off into two different things? Well, what I mean to say is that things we consider to be alternate universes could exist without our knowledge. Everything that we imagine could exist, for the universe is vast and extensive. We don't even know how extensive it is yet, so for all we know everything we could ever imagine may exist.

Dear Darrin,

I can't stand it when you're mad at me, I can't stop crying.

At least I get to go home early today. I'm tired of having to be polite to people, but if I show how I'm really feeling, they ask questions and make it worse... At least I get to go home early. Ace made spaghetti last night and the Internet is now working again. I think I will watch The Office(U.S.), thank you Alex.

Maybe I will bother Vicky after all.

On the verge of tears.

Where to start.

Number one I was a bitch to Darrin today, for no reason. We were talking about 2 Fast 2 Furious and how he likes some of the movies but it makes me think of how disgustingly muscular men and skinny, skimpy-looking women were chosen for the main characters AND the extras. And then I pissed him off. I wasn't sure exactly how much until I went on Couple and tried to make up with him. He read my messages, but didn't reply. The beauty of the app, I guess. I went on twitter to tweet what I will soon blog about, and saw his tweets. I made yesterday "A fuck it kind of day". Honestly, I think my period is coming because as I type this, tears are falling.

Um.

I just found out that my birthday get-together will most likely not be happening. I have this 16-hour training session for work, so I'm doing it over two days. Two Fridays from 1pm-9. The first one is this week, the second one is next Friday, the supposed birthday thing. I'm even more upset now, because this is how I get; when one thing happens, I think about all the bad things that are happening around this time frame. I feel bad for letting Darrin go to bed without telling him I love him and I'm sorry, and I'll also be sad for yet another birthday. Now, I'm going to ask my boss for my schedule this Friday to see if she had indeed scheduled me for next Friday as well as this one, but since she kind of yelled at us supervisors and said we shouldn't be taking days off, odds are she scheduled me for next Friday and I should not miss it. Maybe it's just the hormones but I am so very upset right now. I have to go to bed knowing that Darrin went to bed angry at me over dumb shit.

I'm so upset... Mostly at myself. I pissed Darrin off and I should've remembered that my boss told me not to plan anything for "the next few weekends". I'm just so upset. It's 12:27am. I'd stay up until 2 to talk to Darrin, but he'll wake up and read my tweets and read this blog and then he'll feel bad, which will make me feel even worse, but I have to get it out. Somehow I think no one reads this, so it makes me feel like this is a diary, of which I have abandoned. Once Darrin and I got together (or around that time) I stopped writing in my diary.

This is what I do now. When I'm feeling bad (mostly) I pour my heart through my fingers. I'm not sure what good it does me, except to document that I felt this way on this date at this time for this reason. I'm starting not to see the point of this. I know that Keana and Darrin read this, but what's the point? I could just text them how I'm feeling. I wonder why I don't.

I am very upset. I don't want to sleep, but I don't want to stay awake. At times like this, I usually turn to Darrin or Vicky, but I don't want to bother either of them with this right now. Somehow I feel I deserve to deal with this on my own, because I'm mean and I don't plan well. But then again, this is upset Axanti talking.

Music is my heartbeat. Sometimes I just close my eyes and let it keep me alive.

I am content with the world at this moment <3

Valentine's Day with Merger!

After an awkward text about me seeing her and not wanting up be creepy by saying 'hello,' Maggie walked into the bathroom to wash her hands while I was doing the same. We stared at each other for a few seconds, then begun talking. She gave me this ORGASMICALLY DELICIOUS Vanilla See's Candies lollipop. It was so good, and lasted a long time. Maggie and I walked and talked, about Valentine's Day, a librarian she thought was too cute to be at our college, death, ducks, the dog disguise ducks wear, why ducks float, female ducks, being a third-wheel, religion, atheism, classes, on and on. One topic ebbed into another, over and over. I'd forgotten how pleasant human interaction (outside if class) is. The whole summer quarter ('12), I pretty much went to class and back home, not very exciting. I'm more involved in famous life now, so I'm ready to meet people! Met some great people already, and human interaction is the perfect cure for feeling down. Merger ers erserm. So awesome. I feel bad not having gotten her a gift. Oh we'll, St. Paddy's day is coming soon! Wee :D

Valentina's Day

Has always been awful for me. Always. I used to believe it to be a gleeful opportunity to tell someone how you feel about them, but the last time that happened, I was nine years old. Eighteen and in a relationship, I view it differently. My parents made Valentine's Day about red gifts to remind people that even if they are "single" they are not alone. This Valentine's Day, I thought of Vicky. She burned me 3 Metric CDs, one of which is brand new, just released this month. The really is a sweetheart. I bought her a chocolate rose and a non-Valentine's Day card (she hates Valentine's Day). The card has a wild flower on the front, and on the inside I wrote "Roses should be red, Violets should be violet, but who gives a fuck, anyway? Happy Valentine's Day." And then some mushy stuff I won't repeat. You must already know I'm a fruitcake, I don't wanna help that thought any more than I have. I feel good now that I've made Vicky's day :)

I have to express my outrage

With gender skewing in India. The following is my summary and commentary of a report from NPR. A young woman was raped repeatedly by a group of men, one who was a distant cousin of hers. In reaction to this event, the woman's friends ceased speaking to her, she is now being shunned by all of the community. I cannot help but wonder how this continues; how women are blamed for being taken advantage of in a predominantly male society. In India and other Asian countries, males are preferred to females, so female babies are aborted most times, and this skews the population dramatically. In addition to the population inequality, men are public figures and community leaders who decide what is right and wrong, perhaps promoting an anti-female atmosphere and creating the basis for these hate crimes. Hate crimes that bring shame to the women, and not the men. In India, sometimes men rape women of lower castes to show "superiority" and to establish themselves.

I cannot imagine living in a place where I could be dragged from my home at any time of day, beaten and raped, and in addition to the physical and mental trauma, BLAMED for being raped. It would not be a place I'd want to live in. The young woman's response was the same as mine; if not for her family, she'd kill herself. I dearly wish that change be brought about in the future and incidents like this become nonexistent, for this woman and her children, for the hundreds (and maybe thousands) of women in India fighting this fear-filled battle every day, for my children and grandchildren.

Then and now

I think the worst part about getting older and going through puberty was when I would look in the mirror and think to myself, "That hair must've fallen on me," and then trying to pick it off and realizing that that point is where it was growing from.

I wanted to be perfect for so long, starting in middle school. I'd just been dumped in an unfamiliar place with gorgeous long-haired Asians and Filipinos left and right; how was I to compete with that? I wanted to be perfect and hairless like the people I saw in magazines. I didn't want a rabbit trail of hair leading from the top of my chest down to my genitals, it made me feel so embarrassed of my body. I stopped wearing tank tops and started to cover myself up as much as possible, not wanting anyone to see or judge my body.

I can distinctly remember crying one day to my mother. "Can I talk to you?" I asked, closing her door behind me and staring at the ground. I told her about the hair and how I felt so ugly. I needed a "you're beautiful the way you are," but instead I got "come on, Axanti, there are kids in the world dying of cancer."

I have to say, the second one stuck with me more. At some point in my life, I decided not to pluck my eyebrows, that my face is beautiful enough after I wash and moisturize, and that I'm not an android. I'm a human being with natural hair, a beautiful and discolored caramel face, little tiny black hairs, and unkempt, uneven eyebrows. I've come to love myself and all my imperfections, thanks to my partner in life and strong support system, my dear boyfriend. I hope that for you reading this, 14 or 40, learn to love yourself as I have, it makes life so much more enjoyable.

My life is a roller coaster of emotions, pleasures and experiences. I'm traveling through life on the life raft that is my parents while trying to build my own ship that will sail me through my future.

Everything in my mind right this second?

I made a new friend, name's Vicky and she's awesome. She does Roller Derby! How fucking amazing is that? We talked for like an hour and I got to the apt. later than usual. I came home to two anxious faces, who seemed to relax the longer I was in the room. I wish I could stay at Vacation instead of being at the apt. Hey, it just turned 12:00am. Happy Sunday! I finished all of my homework (due Monday) but one. And ugh, I'm dreading it. I wrote an essay, typed up a summary, read half a book, and I'm procrastinating reading a short essay and answering questions about it. Makes sense? Noooope. It's stupid Vacation. Every time I'm here, I just wanna eat, sleep, and play Portal 2. By the way, I STILL HAVEN'T BEAT PORTAL 2 YET! I'm so mad. I can't wait to see my boyfriend again, but right now, I don't have enough money for a plane ticket. Being unemployed sucks. Also, Feb. 15th-18th, break. March 29th-April 8th, break. Perfect time spans to go visit that man I love and adore so much. If only... (futurethoughtsthatIdon'twanttosayrightnowbecause...wellitsthefuture...)

Phi Theta Kappa

I, surprisingly, have been invited to join other Phi Theta Kappans in the organization. Approximately 100 students from De Anza are invited, so I feel pretty special. I've been to two meetings so far, and the people are very sociable, our Faculty Advisor is a comical little man. He has salt and pepper hair with glasses, a kind smile, and a middle-aged figure somewhere between skinny and pudgy. He sends emails A LOT. I did not catch the President of our organization's name, but he speaks loudly, with a Russian accent. He has no trouble quieting a room. Wide eyes and a helpful tone, he makes a good President, as far as I can see. The Vice President (or who I think is the Vice President) is also a great speaker who knows how to get a laugh from a group of people. I'd say he's of middle-eastern descent, judging by his hooked nose and jet black hair. He's also very polite and an exceptional leader.

Since those three speak the most, I haven't actually learned the names of the other officers in the club, which I probably should. Walking into the same classroom every other Friday and seeing the same faces, smiling at them awkwardly since I remember their faces, but no name is recalled along with it. There is an Induction Ceremony, which I am excited about. Being a part of this organization, I receive a certificate when I graduate and I get to wear that thing when I graduate... What's it called? Not a lei... the scarf-like thing? Ugh I'm bad with words. Anyways, I am able to graduate with honors, which not many others can say :) My mother was also a PTK member, so we're sorors, I guess. Chip off the ol' family block.

Math homework

Is almost fun now. I see fractions and don't freak out. I can now add, subtract and divide fractions, polynomials, polynomials divided by binomials, I can do it! Math homework is fun, I feel like my brain works twice as well now!

Mahluv

My boyfriend said to me "I can't wait to fly to you. You're worth every second and I can't wait to show you that. " how amazing is he?! I swear, I am the luckiest girl in the world, even though that's so cliché to say, it's how I feel.

He is so good to me! Before now, I've never been in a functional relationship. This is the first boyfriend that my mom approves of completely :) a little too much, which is slightly unsettling, but I'm glad that she approves of him at all. Finally, I'm with someone I actually have a future with!

I can't wait to see him again. The time we spent together has been the best of my life. He said it felt like I had always been there, that it was right for me to be there, and he was correct.

It felt like we drive to pick his mom up every day, come home and watch TBBT, then snuggle and sleep. I have never been in a more perfect relationship than this. Every time I see a shooting star or it's 11:11pm, I wish for the same thing. I'll tell you what it is after it comes true.

A haiku for my boyfriend

Magnificent love

All of my heart for you dear

One and only love

L'amour de ma vie

Moi

Je porte les vêtements de mon petit-ami. I'm wearing my boyfriend's clothes.

Pygmy goats

I just want to read

It's too noisy in this apartment. My sister is watching Futurama on her laptop and my mom has a movie on in the other room, I can hear it through the walls. That's how loud she has it. I can hear the people on TV whisper. This technology time makes me a little sad. I miss things like camping, when we'd go for Bout a week. We didn't care about cell phones back then. We had fun with dirt, barbies, sticks, nature in general. Nowadays, people can't seem to live without entertainment via technology and social networking. The one time I want to read, there's too much noise. It makes me a little sad.

I'm getting more than I thought

Out of my relationship. Today I woke up and looked at my face again. To my surprise, I saw the same, smooth, caramely goodness I saw yesterday. I feel more confident in myself. In my clothes, my hair, in my bones. Even though skies are cloudy, I feel like sunshine; inside and out.

Today I looked in the mirror.

I saw my textured caramel face, the curly jet black hairs growing out of the sides of my face in front of my ears. I looked on and over, then pulled my hair up taut and held it there for a second, then I let it fall. My dreadlocks fell from my hands delicately, framing my big oval face, well... beautifully. I had to keep from smiling at myself! That has never happened before in the history of me.

I think today, I finally saw what my boyfriend sees in me. I feel desirable. For the first REAL time in my life, because someone desires me. Someone wants to have me with them for always. People have told me I'm beautiful before, but my boyfriend exemplifies it. He'll stare at me indefinitely, for what seems like hours. Just smiling, admiring. That unprovoked attention is what makes me believe him. It's as if a light bulb flashed on in the space above his head, and in this quick second he decides to admire the work of art that is his parter.

I see all of this in his eyes. It's too much for me to handle. I often look away, unable to describe why. Suddenly I feel hot, embarrassed, my head becomes itchy. He smiles wider and my heart beats out of my chest and up into my throat, disabling my speech. The words that I can squeeze out are formed into short sentences, trying to make him stop yet subconsciously urging him to continue.

This wasn't supposed to be a love letter. My life is no fairy tale, nor is my relationship. I don't have Disney's version of love, I am creating my own. We argue over THE DUMBEST possible things. He laughs as he notices when I accidentally hit myself in the face. We misunderstand each other and compromise. Things that seem perfectly clear to me don't register in his brain, I explain them in different words, different ways. We have the same opinions, but different ways of expressing them, it seems as though he's playing the devil's advocate when he's only agreeing with me. Some things I can't handle. Some things he will never tell me. Sometimes we will both tweet and post livid comments because we know the other will read them. We share the deepest emotions together. He feels about me the way no other has felt before, and with him I know I am loved. Salty solution builds in my eyes as I type. Not because I am sad, but because I am touched by my own words and my ability to, finally, express in some way how deeply I feel for my partner. Yesterday, January 24th, 2013 was our 11 month anniversary. "We've come so far, yet this is only the beginning." -lyrics to a song whose name I don't know.

I love thinkgeek.com and amazon.com

It's the wish lists. I don't know why, but I love having wish lists. Just thinking about the awesome things I could do with the stuff. A camera lens mug?! HOW AWESOME IS THAT? And there's stuff from Portal 2 on there. I FUCKING LOVE PORTAL 2. It's January 2013 and I still haven't beat it yet, but it's fucking awesome. I love it. Amazon has POUCHES that look like FOOD! MIND BLOWN. I want those.

I'm the bad guy?

For thinking ahead and planning my lifestyle around a goat. People have to do the same for dogs, I don't think my boyfriend understands that he won't ever have to take care of it or buy things for it, because it will be my pet and so other than seeing it every now and then, it will have the tiniest part in his life, he really just doesn't want me to have a barnyard animal.

The thing about this is that I'm wiling to compromise and he isn't. I guess I'll just stop trying to compromise with him from now on.

My mom always told me that when people are in relationships, sometimes they lose their individuality; well my boyfriend told me that he used to be annoyed at how chipper I am 80% of the time, he'd prefer that I be boring and stand still. He doesn't want me to have a goat as a pet, travel with it or anything. Well I refuse to lose my individuality on this relationship. I'm going to get whatever pet I would like and if he can't deal with that, he can live by himself.

My mother would write poetry when she felt extreme emotion. I can't. All I can do is savor the emotions I feel while they last, so that I don't have to feel them for a while.

I'm living alone for the rest of my life.

Because my boyfriend "isn't going to live somewhere with a goat". I did research and decided to get a Pygmy goat. They don't bite and are easy to handle, great for small children, full of energy, they are personally entertaining to me, and so damn cute. They eat hay and leaves and things like that, plus Pygmy goat females produce desirable milk. I don't think I'd like.. Drink it... Maybe sell it.. Or make goat cheese with it <3 I love goat cheese.

KEANA.

Number 1: STOP CALLING YOUR POETRY CRAP. You write the best poetry I've ever read! Number 2: YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT, SEXY, CREATIVE AND ARTISTIC YOUNG LADY, AND HOW DARE YOU THINK OTHERWISE! Number 3: Your family is wrong to try to restrict you from life. DEFY THEM! Number 4: You and your boyfriend are soooooooooooOOOOOOOOooOOoOOoOoOoOOOOOOOoooo CUTE! Number 5: YOU NEED TO TEXT ME WOMAN! Number 6: I love you. Number 7: I get that you've been through some stuff, but we all have and you are still THE MOST accepting person I have ever met, and I mean that from deep within the cockles of my heart. Number 8: Eat some chocolate. Number 9: Try taking a picture of yourself once a week! You are always beautiful, even if you think you're not. Number 10: Life will get better. It always does. Mrs. Hentschke has an awful mom, and she moved away from her and now has a great life teaching kids like you :) Keep your head up, and remember, when you're feeling crappy, call me/text me/facebook me/video chat with me! Keep in touch love <3

EVERYTHING ELSE.

I'm planning to transfer to CSU Monterey Bay after De Anza. Major in Human Communications, then the 1-year credential program after that... And uhh.. That's my plan. I also want to do more arts and crafts in my free time, but I've been so lazy lately. I think I'm gonna try to run or something when I can. Or bellydance or do some brazilian butt exercises, something. I need to get into the habit of like... Working out lol. Diabetes, high blood pressure and I think migraines run in my family? So I'm thinking a daily workout and lots of Metric could help with that. I also think I need a new iPod for my music. I have one, but I'm not sure where it is, and I keep losing it. I think if I have a different one that's newer I'll take care of it. Nah, maybe not. I need to find my other one lol. I should do that today...

My male cousin who is 4 months younger than me and has a child, tries to convince people that he's an adult and yet he texted me and asked me to comment on a picture saying I think he should date this girl that he likes. So sad. He then commented on my picture not too long ago asking me to give him a shout-out because "he needs some cali friends". So sad. He always says "since I'm an adult now..." blah blah blah but he called me once and asked ME to look for flights from PHL to SJC instead of doing it himself. Not an adult thing to do.

Sometimes I don't like being more mature than other people my age, it annoys me on a daily basis. But now I'm gonna make some super smart college friends, hopefully :D I love hanging out with the people from my Red Cross Club <3 we go out, volunteer, and sometimes eat afterwards. But there's another club called In-N-Out where people just hang out and bring food and shizz :) sounds fun. I can't wait to join it. OH! I was invited to join Phi Theta Kappa academic club! Only 100 students from De Anza get chosen! I'm honored! My mom was a PTK member, too! I'm a chip off the ol' block!

The fuuutuuuuure

Is scary. I'm afraid of what may or may not happen, how things may or may not turn out.. Especially because I'm in a long distance relationship, so a big part of planning my future will involve my boyfriend of 11 months. (Hold your applause until the end, please.) I think I'm pretty set on being a high school teacher and then if that becomes too much, moving on to college; but I do feel I have something to contribute to younger kids. Ugh, that word. Kids. When I was younger, I was sooo set on finding my one true love and getting married and having kids, but now that I'm 18 and in college, I don't even wanna think about it! My older half-sister (who's 5 years older than me) has a kid that she wasn't planning on having. He has to be the cutest little boy I've ever seen! But I guess it hit me that she isn't really financially stable, and now her whole life is going to be about her child... I don't think I'm ready for that. She's not even married either. That sounds like drama if they ever break up. I want to be married before I have any children. But ughh there's that word "married".

I thought I wanted to be married my whole life, and now I'm scared shitless of saying the word. Like it's (supposed to be) a lifetime commitment, and I'm just barely an adult. I have to file taxes for the first time once Great America sends my W2... Before I left to go visit my boyfriend, my mom said she'd be okay if I came back engaged. When I told his mom that, she asked if I was pregnant!! I'm feeling really uneasy about.. I guess how ready my mom is for me to be married... I mean it's great that she approves of my boyfriend but I'm waaay to young to be thinking about getting married or being pregnant. I don't know how to live with someone. I don't know how to be a wife, I don't know how to be a mother and I don't wanna have to think about it for about the next seven years. In 5 years I'll have my teaching credential. Two years after that I'll (hopefully) have had a job for at least a year.. I think by then, I'll be okay talking about marry-preggy-future stuff. Right now, I'm so not ready. I put a ring on my amazon wish list because it's my birthstone... I think I might delete it from my wish list and just buy it for myself... I just got really sad and stuff, I don't even know why...

I like my accessories.

Review of Snow White and the Huntsmen

Charlize Theron plays a white Tyra Banks, sucking the life out of all who are prettier than her. Her brother, an adult Draco Malfoy, is scratched by Bella Swan and seeks her out. Emotionless Bella Swan is hunted by Thor, who decides to help her. She meets the Forest Spirit in the wilderness, and then Lady Aboshi shoots the poor creature with an arrow. Bella Swan is killed by white Tyra Banks. Thor is her true love, so when he kisses her, hours after she has died, she comes back to life. She then screams at people, they fight for freedom, she runs up a tower like in The Cat Returns, and then kills screaming white Tyra Banks. Bella Swan is queen, she smiles at Thor, and then the movie ends. You're welcome :)

Oh, right, happy new year.

So my yearlong goals are to be involved with more hobbies. Belly dancing, crocheting, etc., to get an even higher GPA than 3.609, to work out regularly, and to do all this while still making time for who Keana calls, my Hunny Bunch. I also need a job so that when Darrin and I visit each other, I have money to do stuff and buy him the kinds of gifts he likes :) thank you, thinkgeek.com! Actually, I found a lot of stuff that I like on there! Plushies and shirts, the labyrinth, the Dark Crystal, Star Wars, The Big Bang Theory, oh my goodness, geekgasm! It's too much, I can't take it!! ❤

Today.

Was. Amazing. I barely did anything except FaceTime with my boyfriend :) we had a breakfast date, and then I slept a lot... And now I'm awake, and he burned tortillas :P days like this are one in a million💘