Sunday, December 30, 2012
Annoying. Eternally annoying.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
3:31am Christmas Morning
Saturday, December 22, 2012
I forget how kind people are.
Monday, December 17, 2012
My heart hurts.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Today is The Day!
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Finals and then vacation!
Film and television is such an easy class, but because of my procrastination, I may end up with my first C :( I'm hoping for a B- so badly. I just need it to say not a C or D. Ermahgherd. Today was my day off, yesterday was my first final, for film and television. I hope to Athena that went well. On Thursday December 13th (Happy Birthday, Cianne) I need to watch two movies and then write an extra credit paper. Buddha knows I need the extra credit. Tomorrow, Wednesday are my last two finals for French and Cultural Anthropology. French will be fiiiiine. I'm great at french, language just comes to me naturally. I suppose I owe that to my parents teaching me spanish early on. Cultural Anthropology is up for grabs. I'm familiar with all of the concepts, it's just that my professor tends to ask extremely specific questions from examples she mentions matter-of-factly.
I've been trying to keep calm and focus on finals, but I'm also flying to Philadelphia on Friday at 1:40pm. I'm just really nervous. When you're in a long distance relationship, you wish all the time to be with your other half, and then when the time comes that you can finally see this person, you're scared shitless. Well, I'm scared shitless. Especially since I'm gonna be staying at his house. I'm shitting myself about what to wear, when to wear it, if he'll like it, and even more. My friend from high school, Steven, has been an angel through my stupid girl stuff. He handles my period better than my boyfriend! My boyfriend will say "ew" and that he doesn't wanna hear about it and stuff. Steven is so awesome. He says things like "Godspeed to you" when I'm on my period, and he's so chipper about everything :) I feel bad, I text my fingers off about my life, and I don't ask about him enough. I need to get him something awesome for christmas. I'm short on money, too. My job starts back up in February :/ I owe him big time. Need to sleep, it's 10pm. 10:42.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
I don't understand.
Lunapads! ❤ (Women only)
Just in case any of you women are considering them, I thought I'd give my review of them. Number one, they are awesome. You know how with pads, they crinkle like a plastic bad when you walk? All of that is eliminated!! They're quiet and function exactly like pads. The only difference is that these are fabric. That means, yes, you have to wash them. Some women put them in the washing/drying machine-- I advise against this. Once you put them in the washer and dryer, they act as lint traps, and I don't think on top of menstruating you want lint down there too. My mother has a recipe to get them clean: 3 TBSP Baking Soda and 3 TBSP Peroxide. Supposedly it gets them clean with no staining, but I've experienced some staining at the stage one would use pantyliners.
there is a problem with going outside of the house on a heavy flow. You will need to change it or double up at least once. What I do is try to find a private bathroom with a sink, rinse the used lunapad as thoroughly as possible and wring it dry. I keep a plastic bag for the newly-rinsed ones. Another problem is that these take a LONG time to dry. I wish I'd ordered more of the bigger ones, because the small ones just don't cut it unless I'm spotting. They do, however save a TON of money, I'm so glad I switched to Lunapads! I recommend it to all tree-huggers and all women looking to save A CRAPLOAD of money for the next few decades.
Life's getting easier for me, harder for my parents
One of many break-up stories in my life
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Apparently I lied by accident?
I'm not "African American". I'm black.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Update!
I should blog a lot more.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Craziness
So craziness has been happening. A month ago (I think) I met this guy on the bus and we started talking. At the end of the bus ride he asked for my number and we begun our friendship. We'd take each other to lunch and text. That was up until thanksgiving, when he told me that he'd fallen in love with me. "I don't believe in God," he said, "but I prayed that I'll end up with Axanti." That hit home. He went on to say that he could love me more than anyone else could and that he wished he was Darrin (my boyfriend). He kept saying he loved me and then said the we could never speak again because he was torturing himself seeing me with someone else.
That on top of the rough patch my boyfriend and I have been going through equals one confused mind. I was soo confused. Did I love him too? No, actually, I didn't. My sympathy for him manifested itself in a strange way at a vulnerable time. It's Saturday night and he texted me again, saying something is missing from his life. What is happening?? He knew from the beginning I was taken. I did nothing other than be polite and give him rides home sometimes. When he told me all of this (on FaceTime), I cried. I cried for so long. I called my amazing friend Steven and told him how I felt: like a horrible person. He comforted me, thankfully. I just hate the burden of ruining someone's life on my shoulders.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
more troubles from today.
1) had to cancel scheduled rendezvous with my friend :( no Indian food for lunch.
2) work did NOT make me feel the way I wanted it to. Drama with supervisor who won't really talk to me and then will talk to me, just ugh.
3) got on instagram and saw that friend posted picture in hookah bar. Crushed my soul, because she/he knows that I use instagram religiously.
4) Kept thinking about that^ for a long time and the whole bonding stuff and was fighting back tears. Am fighting back tears now.
5) Bleh. Today, I need to cry. I don't want to, but I need to.
6) does it really matter what 6 is supposed to be?
7) I can't talk about getting a promise ring for my boyfriend. HE can talk about getting one for ME, but I can't talk about it, it's "too soon". Made me very upset.
Didn't text him for the rest of the time he was awake. Once he fell asleep I started missing him so I called him (3 times I think.)
I'm still upset.
Very upset.
I don't wanna cry, because I picked today (of all days) to wear mascara.
I just want a close friend who doesn't smoke weed, so we can have that connection. The thing is though, that means that my boyfriend and I won't have that "me and you against the world", it'll be me and my friend. What if boyfriend gets jealous? You know what. Who cares if boyfriend gets jealous. I. Need. To. Be. Able. To. Talk. To. Someone. Who. Gets. Me. Boyfriend gets me on most things, but he is also one of those "it's only once in a while" people. At that point, whether it's the truth or not, I classify it as an excuse. Ex crush said "only once in a while" and then became guilty and admitted to smoking almost every day or at least every weekend. I just bleh. it's 1:59AM. Idk if I mean what I'm saying or if I'm just upset and want an outlet to unload on.. but I feel slightly better. Slightly. I still have a good cry building up in me. Think I'm gonna try to trick it into becoming a laugh. To adventure time I go!
So... ugh.
Mkay. So like. Today was awful. I feel so left out. Still. Someone close to me has been hiding the fact that he/she smokes weed. I haven't blogged about it because I wanted to try to deal with it and be okay with it before typing about it. That didn't happen. Today, she/he posted a picture of him/herself at a hookah bar with her/his friends. It hurts me so much because I didn't know for MONTHS. For MONTHS, I was saying "Oh my goodness, this person is a perfect friend! I thought I was the only person left in the world (besides my immediate family) that doesn't smoke weed! We can relate! We're strong enough to get through life without doing that dumb stuff, pshh, who needs it? And now I feel kinda like.. ugh. My sister and I may be the only people left in the world who don't smoke anything. On the one hand, I'm proud of myself. On the other.. I feel so alone. (I'm told) people bond over doing bad things together. They become lifelong friends and develop this bonds that no one can break because they did something bad together. That means that this person will forever be bonded to her/his friends in a way that she/he will never bond with me. That may not be what bothers me. I'm just spewing now. I think what bothers me is the whole time I'm oblivious to what's going on.
I'm sitting here like an idiot thinking "oh, we have so much in common, oh, we're so alike, oh oh oh! Stupid. I think it wouldn't be so bad if it hadn't been so long. For SOOO LOOONG it has been ENGRAVED in my brain that "we are different from the idiot teenagers today. we do shit our way. we're above the influence." blah blah blah. But you know what? This may or may not have anything to do with the rest of what I said and may contradict it, but WHATEVER... They can live their lives. I'm going to live mine. Yes, I am gravely bothered and upset with it, but it's their fucking life. Now, I was PLANNING to start drinking around this person, because I trust her/him, and they can tell me when to stop and all that. But you know what? I changed my mind. I like who I am. I don't need alcohol to have fun and I don't need weed to relax. I'm not going to start drinking until I am 1) surrounded by people I trust, not random people, and 2) of legal age. I'm not one for illegal things. Like not at all. The thought of being arrested for underage drinking puts me in my place. You live your life, cuz I'm living mine! The way I choose.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
life in the passed few weeks
College life is purty good. I have a job and a car AND A LICENSE :) I've been to one disappointing party so far. I really wanna go to a Halloween party. In a non-slutty costume. (Unless my boyfriend was going with me :P I'm not gonna lie, with my boyfriend around I don't mind looking a little raunchy :P number one because he likes it, and number two because that eliminates idiots trying to hit on me.) I REALLY WANNA GO TO A HALLOWEEN PARTY. I really do. But anyways, I was really upset this weekend. My boss said to me "Come on, Axanti. I expect better from you." That hurt my feelings. I can deal with people being pissed off and mad at me, but I can't deal with disappointment. I cried for a night and was sad for about two days. Le boyfriend told me not to worry, but worrying is kinda what I do... I was on skype with my supervisor (cuz we're friends.. he kinda likes me, but I'll get into that later..) and he said it's probably his fault, because before my boss said that to me, HE said "Aww Axanti, that's a noobie move." He said it as a joke. And said That my boss was kidding (a lie, to try and make me feel better). I knew it was a lie, and pointed out that my boss was dead serious and didn't even crack a smile. So that happened.
BACK TO AWKWARD SUPERVISOR LIKING ME SITUATION. First of all, I thought he was cool and wanted to hang out. That was all. THE VERY FIRST DAY WE HUNG OUT, my boyfriend came up, and I said "yes" to "Is that your boyfriend". The next time I'm texting him, I say my new iPhone 4 is amazing. To which he replies "Your amazing." (Extra points to my boyfriend for using proper grammar and spelling.) While we were on skype, I told him I had to read something for my homework and asked him to be quiet. He kept wolf whistling at me, and I kept shushing him. When I was done, he said something so inappropriate that I'm not going to post it on the interwebs with my name attached to it. Just know that he implied something completely inappropriate, and then when he was rejected, said "Just kidding. I'm your supervisor, dummy." SO inappropriate. Also, while I was at work I met this new guy; 18 years old, really funny. I tried talking to him the whole night, and my supervisor (who I'm assuming was jealous) kept making him do other things and interrupting our conversations. Smh. He's very annoying. I'm not really a horoscope person, but my horoscope says to take time away from people who are annoying me. NO PROBLEM! I started today, haha. He comments on my instagram photos because "I don't text him anymore." I WONDER WHY. Smh he needs a girlfriend. I'm so irritated with him. Like permanently irritated. He's being inappropriate with me and jealous and I don't like it. I thought we could be friends and he calls me "bffl" but I'm really just done. I need a male friend. A friend who is male. Who finds me repulsive but funny. That's all I need. Class is starting soon. Last class of the day! I better head there. Stay tuned for more awkward life stuff!
So this guy won't stop talking to me.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Bumpy road
En français!
Sunday, September 23, 2012
YEAR OF THE DRAGON!
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Year of the dragon continued?
Friday, September 21, 2012
weird. like pickles and cheese on a pb&j.
"What's uuuuuup?" He replied with
"Hey, beautiful." Deja vu. I tried to change the subject reeeeally fast and said:
"You're looking beautiful today yourself!" Awkward.
"Handsome," he corrected me.
"Handsome, sorry," I said with a nervous laugh.
Why do I get so awkward when people compliment me?
My sister and I left and said nothing about him calling me beautiful, or ignoring her altogether.
One thing that BOGGLES THE SHIT OUT OF MY MIND is that I looked like crap today. I did it on purpose as a strategy to help me do better on my driving test (yay), and just didn't feel like getting pretty. I'm talking white heads all over my face, dreads still fuzzy cuz I haven't twisted them in like... a while. I don't even know how long it's been. Regular t-shirt, not low-cut, and shorts that just graze my knees. With flip flops. And ashy feet. Like. Part of me is wondering what people see when they look at me. The other part is hoping that he was just flirting to try to get me to buy stuff. I like that idea. I get weird when I find out people are interested in me. Ugh it's 11:33. I really need to sleep. I don't even remember why I started typing this. Oh, because this is the second time this year that someone has said to me, out of the blue (that isn't my boyfriend) "Hey, beautiful." I expected to hear that only once per decade. Must be Year of the Dragon mojo! Hope this mojo sticks around December 14th to the 21st, because I could use it! Goin back to Philly, Philly, Philly. Yeah that was lame. I'm gonna sleep now I think.
Year of the Dragon, maybe?
I have a lot to type. This morning I woke up at 5:40. I was so nervous about my test that I stupidly drank coffee. To stay awake. That's what my brain was telling me. "Drink some coffee so you'll stay awake." The drive to the San Francisco DMV was long and stressful. I was a nervous reck! My mom made me start stress breathing. Quick exhales through my teeth and then a loooooong exhale. I had to take deep breaths for a looooong time. And then they weren't that deep. My mom made me do 10 jumping jacks before I pulled my car around to the testing area. Then she made me get out and jump around while I was waiting for my instructor. Then she told me to sit with my eyes closed and just breathe. It seemed like I couldn't breathe, or even find a normal breathing rhythm.
There was an old man next to me taking his motorcycle test on a scooter. He said (to someone else) he'd taken it before and failed. The man he was talking to wished him good luck and then said the same to me. (Apparently, to a lot of people, I'm "young lady".) So my instructor came and tested all of the little things of my car. Turn signals, hazards, emergency brake, all of it. Then I was asked (just as before) to back up in a straight line. Then we were off! He told me to make a right. I accidentally got into the left turn lane, so I had to wait in-between lanes until the green light. I made lots of lefts and rights. Then towards the end, he made me do left turn after left turn after left turn, and I wondered why. About the third left turn, I began to wonder: Am I doing it correctly? I made sure to look both ways and all that junk. We pulled back into the DMV parking lot and I made a risky move: I parked between two cars. Yeep! I made 14 minor errors total. Two more and I wouldn't have passed! I guess It's just the year of the dragon! I graduated, took summer classes, got with the love of my life, and became a licensed driver in the state of California. Year of the Dragon.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Monday, September 17, 2012
I'm freaking out a little bit.
"Lane changes – both left and right lane changes
Turns – both left and right turns
Pull over to the curb side and then do a straight line backup
Pull into a parking space when returning to the DMV parking lot"
are what they ask you to do in the test! I GOT THIS!!!!!!! CONFIDENCE BOOST.DISAPPOINTING.
I went to a party on Friday night. It was reeeally not my thing. First of all, people were drinking. Since I'm not 21 yet, I don't wanna get arrested. I wouldn't mind that so much if people weren't trying to get me to drink. It was uncomfortable. THEN, people came in that nobody knew and started rolling the weed things. Even more uncomfortable. THEN someone walked in and asked "who's 18 in here?" EVEN MORE UNCOMFORTABLE. Parties in my mind should people a bunch of people dancing like idiots and having fun. Apparently, after about 2005, that idea died out. "Parties" are now an excuse to drink and have sex. Which sucks, because I do neither; another thing that makes me wish my boyfriend was here with me. I'd LOVE to bring him to a party. He's the kind of protective type that I like. Not the kind that would speak for me or tell me I'm not allowed to do something, the kind that would introduce himself as my boyfriend to everyone in the room :) gotta love him. SO I left the party early. I stayed for about an hour, had a few good laughs and then left. Everyone said I looked sad, sitting in a corner by myself. Well, I was playing defensive. Plus I was wearing a tight dress and high wedges (the whole reason I went to the party, to play dress up), so I didn't wanna get up and walk passed people. They might think I was showing off.
Which I was not! I also made sure that Darrin kept texting me the whole time. Just in case anyone asked, "It's my boyfriend." Someone did say "probably texting your man, huh?" "YUP!" I said, trying not to smile. No one talked to me after that HAHA. All of the men in the room were obviously single and looking for a one night stand, which I don't do. Oh, if only Darrin were there. That would have been a fun party!
SKEWING INTO RANDOM OTHER THING>>> I was talking with my friend and now supervisor. He asked me about Darrin and he asked if we "had fun before I left" for California. I laughed and asked what he meant by "have fun" it sounded dirty. He said that in California, "having fun" means "having sex". Haha, who knew, right? Everyone but me, I guess. I said nooo, I don't do that. He asked why not, was I Christian or Catholic? Haha, I haven't gotten that question before. I told him how I don't have a religion, but it just didn't happen yet. If it'd happened with any of my ex's it would have been a HUGE regret. No matter which of them it would have been. That's another reason that I like Darrin. He hasn't either, so it's no pressure. He's fine with waiting a year or more until I'm SUUUUURE sure. Which I lovedy love love. Haha, who would've known that two kids who hardly spoke to each other when they met would end up so close as young adults? Not me. I'm not gonna question the system, I'm just glad that I'm winning this love game. By a lot.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Adolescent heart break? Teenage mending.
I got my 11" MacBook Air yesterday! It is amazingly small and sleek, shiny, has that new computer smell :) I can't thank my parents enough. The other laptop we have is old and breaking. Kinda sucks for my little sister, but I told her she can use my computer when she needs to.
NEW DEVELOPMENTS>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
TODAY. ON FACEBOOK. The inner child of me died, then revived, then had a heart attack. Anyone who read my diary from 3rd to about 5th grade knows that for the longest time, I thought I was in love with Nathaniel Vahedi. Key word is THOUGHT. Looking back, I have no idea why. He was the only kid that ever really bullied me my whole life. I began to cry at a concert one day when he slapped me across the face after I made a joke about him. Fighting to keep the tears away, I threatened to tell his mother (because she kept him in line). I don't remember why, but I didn't. I just cried. Back at the school we went to, one day his friends followed me and mine and just bothered us. I remember Nathaniel swung me around and let me go abruptly, I fell against a wall and scraped my arm. The next day he asked my friend to ask me if I was okay. (AWESOME BADASS 3RD GRADE MOMENT COMING UP.) I said "If he wants to see my arm he can ask me himself."
DAYUM I used to be a badass!
The awkward thing about Nathaniel is that I would see him over and over again. He is a violin player, far more advanced than I, and we both had the same teacher -__- At a concert, (I hadn't seen him in maybe a year) we talked to his mom. Ms. Mary. I love her, she was always so nice to me. When he walked by, she said "Nathaniel, come say hi to the girls!" He shook his head and walked between his mother and I, not looking at me. Ouch. What had I done to make him behave like that?? At that same concert there was free food (awesome), so I ate a lot and then had to throw it away. For some reason he was standing by the trash can? I didn't notice. When I sat back down, my sisters both laughed and said he stared at me the whole time I was standing. I looked at him but of course he showed no interest in me.
I think about another year later, we were at a concert for my teacher Mr. Casmir's nephew. After the concert, again, free food! Awesome! I gorged myself and then noticed someone standing against a pillar, isolated from everyone. You guessed it. Nathaniel again. Neither one of us talked to the other, and we both pretended not to see the other. That was really awkward.
Now this all happened while I was 8 to about 11. It's one of those heart-wrenching memories you can't forget. What triggered all of this was my friend, Milan. She tagged him in a picture I posted from third grade, and then he added me on Facebook. (That's Nathaniel in the yellow jacket.) Seeing his name almost broke my heart. That's the guy that slapped me across the face, threw me against a wall and pretended (on more than one occasion) that I didn't exist. I stared at the friend request for a while before I accepted it. The past is passed, right? Was I really going to ignore his friend request just because he was a jerk to me 9 years ago? Nah, I decided not. Even though he hurt me, BADLY, someone else from third grade (my boyfriend) mended my broken heart, more than once. It kinda sucks that for about 3 or so years I was obsessed with "Nate" when the perfect, sweetest, smartest, cutest guy in the world was staring me in the face. As far as childhood heartbreaks go, Nathaniel is number one with a bullet, but as far as people-I-want-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-even-if-we-don't-get-married-because-I-just-love-having-you-in-my-life go, Darrin is always number 1, and he always will be.
The tall gentleman wearing black in the middle is my boyfriend :)I feel better!
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
God
I don't like the idea of someone having to GIVE me or bless me with something. Like "We're waiting for the lord to bless us with a car." Why do you have to wait for GOD to get a car? Why don't YOU save money for a car? Doesn't make sense to me. And when someone's sick, they say "God, please use your healing powers to make him/her better because we know you can, almighty God!" but when the person dies, "It was God's will to take him/her beyond this world of pain." the way I see it, believe what you want, whatever helps you get through the bad times, stick to it; but here are some problems I have.
1) the Bible says we are
Born sinners, right? We are born lying, stealing, cheating, but the Bible was written by men, so how do we know it's not a lie?
2) Christians always take it too far. Like WAY too far. My friends' (yes, more than one) crazy moms would ground their children forever for being at my house because my parents aren't Christians, but Buddhists. Does it really matter what religion someone claims if they have a pure heart and the best intentions?
3) People interpret the Bible wrongfully and choose passages to spew to people just to put them in the right. I'm pretty sure that it says in the Bible something like "God loves all of his children," and that he knows everything about us since before we are born. Meaning God loves heterosexuals, homosexuals, light people, dark people, short and tall. Who's idea was it that God must not like things that we don't just because they're different?
Alot of people aren't going to like what I say, but they're just my thoughts.
I guess right about now you're wondering what religion I am and assuming that I'm an Atheist. Well, I'm not. The closest religion that I identify with is Buddhism. It suggests that one can better one's own life. Be that as it may, I identify as Undecided. Why divide ourselves from each other? We are one tiny speck in the universe, and in my opinion should concentrate on other things; like saving the planet that we are so slowly murdering.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Democrats
Phase 2? Real relationship
My boyfriend and I have been arguing lately, which I find exciting. This is a real relationship, ya know? Two people learning about each other and trying to explain things to each other in a way the partner can understand. It's just so fascinating! All of my past relationships have stayed in that first lovey dovey phase for the duration of the relationship. To the point where I would get bored. I never told anyone the real reason that I broke up with my boyfriend in 6th grade, but I was just bored. He was the sweetest guy ever and he bored me to death! Flowers from his aunt's garden, holding hands when we walked: all the cute stuff, but NEVER any arguing! It wasn't real. This, with my boyfriend is real. We REALLY irritate each other sometimes, and my parents' 20 years of marriage tells me that irritation is an okay thing. If nothing else, it forces one to learn to be patient and understanding. And those are two very important character flaws that I will own up to. It's nice being with someone who thinks differently than I do. He's not always tranquil enough to explain things to me in a way I understand, but just the knowledge that what we have is real and that we're both committed and loyal to each other just makes my heart soar.
I love him. How can someone be mature and yet be as sweet as a 3rd grader with a crush? He says things like "I don't know how your hair works, but I like it. It looks good on you," and "you look pretty," when I'm wearing something he likes. He notices when i put on a different necklace, change my nail polish, put on eyeliner! In a word, he's awesome.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Neighbors are... Special
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Eureka..
O was so nice to me because today is his last day. I was talking to my friend Lex (who's also leaving), and she said he'd been nice to her as well! He even caught her drinking soda and said "It's okay." that has NEVER happened in the history of O. I feel kind of bittersweet about yesterday now. He didn't REALLY think I was doing a good job, did he? I don't know, maybe he did. I can't see inside his brain, but I feel weird now.
In other news, I am absolutely ecstatic for the month of December. I'm finally going to see my boyfriend! It's been 9 years since we've seen each other in person and 6 months since we've been a couple. I don't even KNOW how to prepare for seeing my boyfriend for the first time! He's gonna pick me up from the airport and take me to my friend's house (where I'm staying). So that means I need to carry a mirror with me. Maybe makeup. No makeup. Well maybe eyeliner? I'll have already been asleep, and I don't want him to see my "I just woke up" face. As I type this, I'm imagining walking to the car with him, that awkward/cute silence, driving around with him, ugh. I'm torturing myself. And I have 10 minutes left until my lunch is over.
I have another blog, tumblr. I don't use it much except to send gooey notes to my friends :) if you wanna read that, I guess you could check it out.
I just thought of something. What if I'm SO nervous that I bite the nails I've been working so hard on? :/ don't stress, don't stress, don't stress, aaaaaaaaah!!!! :/
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Amazing!!
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Honest self-analysis number three
Honest self-analysis number two
I'm a liar. I don't mean to be, sometimes it just slips out. When I was in 7th grade, I told my teacher that I'd tried Polo before. I asked, "You're not supposed to fall off the horse, are you?" I knew you weren't. I knew what polo was. I have no idea why I lied. I sometimes wonder what percentage of what people say to me is the truth. Am I the only liar? I lied today because my sister insulted me and I became defensive.
I'm also immature and dramatic. 95% of the reason I use twitter is because I know my boyfriend will read it sooner or later. When I'm angry/upset with him, I'll tweet about it because I know he'll read it. Once or twice I made myself cry while leaving him a voicemail to see if it'd make him call me back faster. Boy, was I in for a surprise! He doesn't listen to his voicemails anymore. At least, not the ones from me.
I'm an idiot.
I am horrible at math. And I know people say that who are in Geometry, but I mean I have gone through pre-calculus and still have trouble with basic subtraction. Embarrassing when you work register at your job. One person that made me feel better was my supervisor (did I give him a nickname already?) Dan. Dan and I talked for a little bit and I confessed my shameful secret, I sometimes have to write out subtraction problems to give people the correct change. THANK GOODNESS, he laughed and said he did the same when he was an associate. At least I'm not the only one.
Last but not least, I'm a closet activist. Most times, I don't shave my legs just to put a middle finger to society. The only thing is: It kind of sucks being an activist when you're the only woman in the room with hairy legs.
Okay, this one is last for sure. Sometimes I really dislike myself. Maybe all of this drama is just a side effect of the pill, but it's how I feel sometimes. Hideous. Pimples all over my face, black hairs making normally attractive parts of my body some kind of joke. It's hard to deal with. A little late, but my mom bought me this book named Body Drama. It addresses EVERYTHING that a woman could be concerned with. Literally E-V-E-R-Y T-H-I-N-G. I say "a little late" not to blame my mom, but to wish that I'd found that book sooner. The book depicts nude women at the end. Not in a pornographic way, in an "everyone is beautiful" way. It shows all kinds of women, all skin tones, all body types, it's very empowering.
Honest self-analysis
I don't know what happened. I was such a happy child and I used to love making new friends. I think the combination of high school and two long-distance relationships did it. High school, first of all. Hard to make friends hard to make good friends. Throughout my four years of high school, I'd been searching desperately for that one best friend, since the girl I grew up with and the girl I named my best friend live in Pennsylvania. The search failed, time after time. After a while, people just forgot about me. Freshman to sophomore year, my friends split up and chose other friends to be around. It happens, right? I read somewhere that people change friends about every seven years. As true as that may or may not be, my mom found a best friend in high school, so I feel a little behind.
Everyone tells me that college is the time and the place, it'll happen in college. Well, what if the problem isn't school, what if the problem is me? My mom told me once that she sees me becoming anti-social. I didn't agree with her, I thought it absurd. I'm the chatty person, the one that loves talking to people! No way I'm anti-social. Now that I take a closer look in the mirror, my boyfriend is my world. I text him, call him, skype him all the time. I don't shut everyone out and I text my other friends, but my boyfriend is the only one that answers most of the time. Maybe that's my fault too? Have I made the impression that there's only one best friend for me and it's not anyone on this planet? Maybe I need to stop using "best friend". Maybe one good friend that I can talk to is better than a so-called "best friend".
One other person labeled me one of her best friends. I swear, mid-sentence I was thinking, "How rude! I'm just one of many," but now I'm thinking. If you have one best friend who knows everything, that friend could disappear and you'd be left with nothing. Maybe I don't need a best friend, maybe I need best friends.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
In my mind, I'm a model.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Adults don't understand. Sometimes, kids really don't know.
I distinctly remember getting in trouble for saying something. I didn't know what that something was, so I made up something that sounded similar (to get laughs). You may be familiar with the song "to the window to the wall". While playing that song, djs always seem to cut it off at one part. "Till the sweat drops down my _______, ..." to which everyone would scream the word that goes there. I never heard that word until years later, in a movie where Sandra Bullock rapped it in the woods with someone's grandma (The Proposal). So when I was a kid, sitting on my auntie's couch, that song came on the radio. I didn't know what the word was, so I made up words that sound like the ones in the song. "Til the sweat drops down my fows, all these females growl, ..."
"HEY!" my sister snapped at me, now glaring.
"What?" I asked, clueless.
"You see?" My aunt Loretta said to my sister, "you see how they say what you do?"
"Yeah," she said.
I was so clueless. It happened again while our family was watching Rush Hour. You know, Chris Tucker stands on top of something and tells everyone there's a bomb in the building and to get out ASAP? Then he says "____s, ___s, ___s. Getcho ___s out of here." Got lots of laughs from my parents. I didn't know why, I had no idea what he said, so once again, I made up my own word!
"Chitties, chitties, chitties," I said, "Getcho chitties out of here!" and laughed.
My mom gave me that look and told me not to say it again. I honestly had NO IDEA what the heck he was saying. Just had to get that out. Parents always think that kids learn too early and repeat it, not that we just repeat what we THINK we hear.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Boys and .s
Why do boys / men always freak out about periods? It makes me very upset because first of all, they always make the situation weird and then don't wanna touch or be around you until you're not diseased anymore. The second reason it bothers me so much is that IT DOESN'T HAPPEN TO YOU! It's been happening to me since I was 11; you're an adult and freaking out. I know it's gross but you saying "eww" every time doesn't help. This is directed towards every male-type humanoid on the planet. You guys burp out loud, poop with your penises in the toilet, some don't shower, some wear dirty clothes, some have the most disgusting things lying around their rooms that I don't even wanna get into, and my period is the grossest thing in the world? Makes perfect sense.
I want to retract what I said about talking to ALL male-type humanoids on the planet, because there are some very sweet boys and men who still cuddle their girlfriends and are very sympathetic. Others, who are incredibly smart, keep track of when their girlfriend's last period was so they know when to expect the next one. This kind of blew me away. Incredibly kind and thoughtful. While I'm on the subject of being kind, Male-type Humanoids: first of all. Don't ever say ANYTHING close to: "wow, you're really upset. Are
You on your period?"
This makes us females so upset because it implies that we are always angels except when we are going through menstruation, which is not true. Sometimes, we're just angry. Just like sometimes YOU're just angry.
Another thing to never say is "Calm down." that is THE. WORST. THING. YOU. CAN. POSSIBLY. SAY. TO. A. FEMALE. Never mind what "Calm down" actually means, what it sounds like to us is "You're crazy and I can't handle you like this. Please stop being crazy."
I just want to reiterate how pleased I am to have found out that there are some men that make women still feel awesome during the worst time of the month. Every month. For the rest of their lives. Bravo, few awesome men.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Work is awesome
Especially after the park closes and there's no more cleaning to do. My supervisors are all friends so after hours, we all kinda goof around. Today, my supervisor Man. ([name kept private] chill, flirty-faced guy.. I'll explain that later) turned on the radio and played it on the PA. It was awesome because then a bunch of people started dancing. Awesome. Another awesome/sad thing is that at the end of the day, we have to throw out all the food. My supervisors are cool, so before we throw the food out we can eat some of it. That's why I had so much bacon and iced coffee today :P
Supervisors. Names are abbreviated since none of them know I blog about them. Man. has a flirty face. I don't know how else to describe it. Since I've been boy-crazy most of my life, I was surprised that it took me so long to notice. Makes sense, though. Ever since my boyfriend and I have been together (6 months, almost), I haven't so much as looked at another person with any kind of interest. Okay, back to flirty face. Try to imagine him. Flirty face, bright eyes, hispanic, like the men in those people en español sexiest man of the week features.
Imagine this guy, WAY younger, 19ish, short spiky hair, about 5'4"1/2. He's a really cool supervisor. He doesn't care if we eat some stuff before we throw it out. If it's going in the trash anyway, why not eat some of it? (As long as we do our jobs well and thoroughly.)Next sup I'm gonna list is R. He's really funny and CLAIMS that he's not ticklish. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT! EVERYONE's ticklish somewhere. I think he's just very good at hiding it. I poked him under both arms and he squirmed. Mission accomplished. He's cool too. As long as we do our work and follow the rules, we can have some snacks before we feed them to the garbage can. I'm not even gonna bother looking online for a picture similar to him. He has a unique face, I know I won't find anything close to him.I'll list more sups later. (I'm saying sup like "Soup". As in short for supervisor.)
Friends at work! Lex is awesome. We talk about her ex-boyfriend issues and life and stuff. She's awesome. She and I are both working 4pm to 12am this coming saturday, so yay, friend time :) Lil started the day I did, so we're both kinda in the same boat, know as much as each other and stuff. Really awesome. She's fun to poke. Some people act as if I shot them when I poke them, like the dramatic stomach-receding-from-rest-of-body-oh-my-jesus-that-tickled reaction. It's very entertaining. Well I think I've said enough for now. My job is awesome. People are surprised when I say I like working at Great America, but it's really fun. Great people, janitorial and cooking experience, plus I'm on register every day so I get lots of customer interaction. A+ job, A+ pay. Oh, pay reminded me of something I did today. My mother and guide through life told me I should request that $10 go towards federal taxes and $5 towards state taxes, just to be sure I don't owe money or anything. HOLY SHIRPIN DERPIN. I'm gonna have to file my taxes next year! D: Legal adulthood, y u come so fast?
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
My boyfriend is the cutest, ever.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
things that make me happy
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
"Bad boys ain't no good... Good boys ain't no fun."
-Opening lyrics to Mary J. Blige's "Mr. Wrong". A song I don't agree with. In the chorus she sings "Me and Mr. Wrong get along so good, even though he breaks my heart so bad. We've got a special thing going on, I love my Mr. Wrong."
In my opinion that is a TERRIBLE message to send out to women. Good boys are no fun and Mr. Wrong is the one to love, even though he's no good. Horrible.
I never quite understood why women go for the "bad boys". People I know will choose the most dangerous-looking out of a group of men to chase after. How is it at all attractive that someone carries a gun and is part of a gang?
My aunt dated a bad boy. She knew he was involved with some bad people, but she loved him. Unfortunately, love can't protect you from everything. The next news I heard, he'd been shot three times; twice in the back once in the head. That's why I don't approve of or understand falling in love with someone who's no good. Because they're heading down a very bad path and you should consider yourself lucky that they don't bring you down with them.
One of my cousins was sleeping with someone older than she, and she was not of legal age. Her mother sent him to jail, and when he was released, he killed her. I would say that bad boys are not that attractive after all, but for some reason, women everywhere keep chasing after them.
Men, I ask you to raise your sons to be better than you. To be young gentlemen who respect women's wishes and the wishes of their parents as well. Women, I ask that you not only hold off on sex but wait to find someone who would be a good boyfriend or husband.
If your relationship is a secret, there's some kind of problem, and someone who truly loves you will wait AT LEAST until you are of legal age to engage in any kind of sex with you. Some of you reading this are shaking your heads at me. I don't care. I don't want anyone to have to go through the pain that my family has.