Tristan

The little reindeer

Annoying. Eternally annoying.

This holiday was... Special. In more ways than one. My half sister is exactly as annoying as I remember. When my mom kicked her out to live with her father, she told me that time apart could renew our relationship. I have to disagree. In the spirit of the holiday season, I tried not to snap on her, but she is one controlling bitch. The first annoying thing she said to me was "Axanti, don't drink all the apple juice. Save some for Tristan!" (Tristan is my nephew.) first of all, she didn't buy the juice. Second of all, there was also grapefruit and orange juice in the fridge, so she had no reason to be so concerned over something so insignificant. Then she pulled out random things from the past, like how I cursed out her and her ex (after she sent us this disturbing email about how her whole life's problems were my mom's fault, how she was going down "a lesbian spiral", had fantasies of being raped? and other things like this. She sent this not only to my younger sister and father, but also cousins she hasn't spoken to in years, that are younger than I am.) She also is controlling of her boyfriend. She orders him around all the time and makes him get her things and make her food. She doesn't even call him pet names. I've never seen them hug or even hold hands. It's so weird. How can you make a child with someone who you can barely stand being around? I finally snapped on her in San Francisco. My mom called me and said what I thought was "we're in Joe's Crab Shack". We started walking that way, and I got lost. I used my google maps to find Joe's, and there goes my half sister, "Why didn't you text her? Which way are we going? You should've texted her." Blah blah blah. Finally, I said "Well it's done now, isn't it? So let it go." That shut her up for the next couple minutes. My face must've been red. My Uncle could tell, he put his arm on my shoulder for a second while we walked. Idk what it is about my half sister, but she always wants to prove that she's an adult. She tries to do this by ordering my sister and I around, she's 5 years older than me. She forgets that we've grown and matured since she saw us last. I am a legal adult and my sister is on her way there. I'm so glad she's gone, honestly. She graduated high school at age 15 and did nothing except got an AA. That makes me really mad. What's worse is that she said "you don't need to go go school to do well. Look at where I am!" Keep in mind, she can barely pay her bills or provide for her child; she also drops these stupid subtle hints for my parents, hoping they'll give her money. The last night she was here we watched a movie and she had a comment for everything that happened. She doesn't understand how uncomfortable she makes people and how annoying she is. But at last, she is gone. I am enjoying the peace and quiet.

3:31am Christmas Morning

Everyone who should be is here. My half sister, her boyfriend, my nephew and my Uncle are here for the Holidays :) My nephew is the cutest little thing ever besides my boyfriend. Speaking of the love of my life, my heart breaks sleeping alone now. I so enjoy his warm body on mine at night. He HAS to be the cutest boyfriend ever. He didn't tell me until after I was back in Cali, but he kisses me while I'm asleep! How fucking cute is that? UGH I CAN'T GET OVER HOW FUCKING CUTE THAT IS. FUCK. He's so cute. I have never felt so lucky in my life. To be with someone who is honest with me and loves me despite my complicated brain feels amazing. Is this love that I'm feelin'?

That's my half sister and nephew <3

I forget how kind people are.

In the Airport, I met some of the nicest people! Firstly was a mature woman with a seemingly Jamaican accent. Having cried my eyes out and missed my flight, I needed some human interaction. We started talking about her family and then got onto me.. I broke down crying right in front of her. "Yeah," she said, "you're exhausted. You need sleep, you need sleep." My phone was losing battery and I needed to charge it, but I'd left mine at my grandma's house. She made me ask the couple next to me for a link to charge my phone through my computer. When they have it to me, she said that people are nicer than I'd think. She said that next time I'm late for a flight to go to the front of the line and ask to go first, and show them my boarding pass, that she'd done it before when late for a flight. That helped for a while. On my final flight to San Jose, I met the nicest two people. One was Madison, a Caucasian junior in college who is obsessed with the TV show Psych; she wears a Pineapple around her chest. The Second was a middle-aged Caucasian man (I believe his name is Jeff) who flies all too often. He told us that he usually leaves for flights at 4am and comes back at 11pm. We talked for a long time about whatever came to mind, throughout the whole hour and 20min flight. Madison told us how fortunate she was to be attending the best college in the world and Jeff showed us pictures of his family and told us about his vacation in France. Afterwards, we three walked to baggage claim together. Jeff asked if we both had rides to where we were going. At that moment I saw him as a father figure, mentor, and kind friend. I never thought I'd meet someone so sweet at an airport on a day that was (previously) close to the worst day of my life. My faith in humanity has been restored one again.

My heart hurts.

Darrin told me he's gonna cry when I leave. Then I started thinking about when I have to leave. I'm gonna cry too. On the plane ride back. I'm tearing up right now, just typing this. I'm gonna have to let him go. He won't be able to pick me up and take me to his grandma's house. I won't wake up to him watching me, smiling. We can't eat together.. I'm starting to cry. I love him so much and my heart is gonna break when I leave. This is so evil. I have to come back. For Spring break. And then again over summer. Ugh, I'm so sad now. I'm gonna spend every penny I have on visiting him. And staying at his house. I hate not sleeping with him at night.

Today is The Day!

Anyone in a long distance relationship knows what The Day is. It's the first time you see each other in person. It's your time to 'wow' them for the first time. I am scared shitless. It's 1:21am and I cannot sleep. I have everything packed, outfit for tomorrow ready, everything. I bought some shoes today; I'm gonna wear them tomorrow. I'm so excited! He got his hair cut for me :) I love his hair freshly cut :) he knows. He's amazing. I can't wait!!!! My mom said something that made me understand our relationship a little more. Darrin and I were having talks about whether or not we're good together. That was days ago. Yesterday, my mom said that, judging from the pictures from 3rd grade, I was probably hyper and bouncing around and incapable of sitting still. He, on the other hand, probably would've said "Mrs. Clemons? Axanti won't sit still, I can't concentrate." Made me realize, we're opposites. I'm Red, Yellow and Blue, and he's Burgundy, Mustard and Black. (Symbolic meaning behind the colors.) I am crazy and hyper, I can't sit still! He's calm, cool and collected. He barely moves. I enjoy weird, awkward humor. He enjoys wordplay humor. I hate technology, he's majoring in Computer Science. Kind of weird. On paper, doesn't seem like we'd be compatible; but when we first started talking, he demonstrated how considerate he was. He was also very good at flirting. I would LOVE to read through our text messages from the week and two days before we got together. I have no idea what we talked about but I'd love to read it. It's 1:34am and I am still awake. I have one eye closed while trying this. I guess it's an improvement from being wide awake, nervously playing games. I should try to sleep.

Finals and then vacation!

Film and television is such an easy class, but because of my procrastination, I may end up with my first C :( I'm hoping for a B- so badly. I just need it to say not a C or D. Ermahgherd. Today was my day off, yesterday was my first final, for film and television. I hope to Athena that went well. On Thursday December 13th (Happy Birthday, Cianne) I need to watch two movies and then write an extra credit paper. Buddha knows I need the extra credit. Tomorrow, Wednesday are my last two finals for French and Cultural Anthropology. French will be fiiiiine. I'm great at french, language just comes to me naturally. I suppose I owe that to my parents teaching me spanish early on. Cultural Anthropology is up for grabs. I'm familiar with all of the concepts, it's just that my professor tends to ask extremely specific questions from examples she mentions matter-of-factly.

I've been trying to keep calm and focus on finals, but I'm also flying to Philadelphia on Friday at 1:40pm. I'm just really nervous. When you're in a long distance relationship, you wish all the time to be with your other half, and then when the time comes that you can finally see this person, you're scared shitless. Well, I'm scared shitless. Especially since I'm gonna be staying at his house. I'm shitting myself about what to wear, when to wear it, if he'll like it, and even more. My friend from high school, Steven, has been an angel through my stupid girl stuff. He handles my period better than my boyfriend! My boyfriend will say "ew" and that he doesn't wanna hear about it and stuff. Steven is so awesome. He says things like "Godspeed to you" when I'm on my period, and he's so chipper about everything :) I feel bad, I text my fingers off about my life, and I don't ask about him enough. I need to get him something awesome for christmas. I'm short on money, too. My job starts back up in February :/ I owe him big time. Need to sleep, it's 10pm. 10:42.

I don't understand.

Kids in this generation are obsessed with being gangsters and "bad bitches". I don't understand it. Boys who sag their pants and walk like they only have one leg; girls who display their bodies for the world and are supposed to to be rude to everyone. I don't understand how that's attractive! I just don't get it. I happen to be attracted to people who dress nicely and are polite. I'm not suggesting that I don't associate with people my age, only that they are the absolute last consideration when it comes to dating.

Lunapads! ❤ (Women only)

Just in case any of you women are considering them, I thought I'd give my review of them. Number one, they are awesome. You know how with pads, they crinkle like a plastic bad when you walk? All of that is eliminated!! They're quiet and function exactly like pads. The only difference is that these are fabric. That means, yes, you have to wash them. Some women put them in the washing/drying machine-- I advise against this. Once you put them in the washer and dryer, they act as lint traps, and I don't think on top of menstruating you want lint down there too. My mother has a recipe to get them clean: 3 TBSP Baking Soda and 3 TBSP Peroxide. Supposedly it gets them clean with no staining, but I've experienced some staining at the stage one would use pantyliners.

there is a problem with going outside of the house on a heavy flow. You will need to change it or double up at least once. What I do is try to find a private bathroom with a sink, rinse the used lunapad as thoroughly as possible and wring it dry. I keep a plastic bag for the newly-rinsed ones. Another problem is that these take a LONG time to dry. I wish I'd ordered more of the bigger ones, because the small ones just don't cut it unless I'm spotting. They do, however save a TON of money, I'm so glad I switched to Lunapads! I recommend it to all tree-huggers and all women looking to save A CRAPLOAD of money for the next few decades.

Life's getting easier for me, harder for my parents

My parents bought an appt. for my sister and I. The cat is really enjoying it, apparently. But it's $1500/mo plus wifi and utilities. And trash. They have to pay for our TRASH. Makes no sense. It's a small place, but my mom has been helping liven it up. She went grocery shopping and filled up our refrigerator and even put gas in my car. Filled it up! I HATE putting gas into my car because it clicks (like it should when the tank is full) unless you fill it as slowly as possible. Gotta love my mom. Since I'm in the city I was before we moved, so I carpool with a girl I went to high school with. I'm so lucky to have the hardworking parents that I do. They do so much for me, I don't think I thank them enough. I guess this can be considered a public "thank you".

One of many break-up stories in my life

So we were being typical bad Christian kids, skipping service, playing with stuff. my clumsy ass fell and this guy, A, caught me. how cute was that? he seemed so nice. I liked A, we got together. One day my ex was texting me and I asked A to get him to leave me alone. He accused me of cheating on him. We argued back and forth and I texted I hated him. He called me and said he hated me too. I told him I didn't mean it and asked if we could talk. Then he called me a liar. Then he told me he had two girlfriends and was working on the third and that they were gonna have a threesome. It was probably a lie, because no one wanted to date him but me, but it hurt my feelings anyway. Then S. Dinkley (who is a bitch, by the way) became best friends with him and they started hanging out. She told me one day that he stood her up and I said I wasn't surprised. I told her everything I just told you ^ and she agreed with me that he's messed up. And then my friend Aaron texts me and says I should look at S's Facebook page. A wrote on her Facebook wall saying that he never liked me and he doesn't want my "stank ass monkey" whatever the hell that means, and then he said some really mean stuff in like 3 long posts (fb has a 1,000 character limit). Then to make it worse, S commented on it and said "Haha, I hope she leaves you alone." Like wow what a two-faced bitch. It's always nice to lose a friend AND. A boyfriend.

I really love lemongrab

Apparently I lied by accident?

A conversation came up that apparently we'd had before and when I answered 4, this person accused me of lying and said that before, I'd answered 1. How does this work if I have absolutely no memory of the conversation or the initial question? And now I'm trying to remember: did I really lie; or did I just throw a random number into the open because I wasn't paying attention? I don't know. That's weird though. How could I lie and not remember doing it?

I'm not "African American". I'm black.

People are still afraid to say black and white. They think it's wrong. I say call us what we are! African American means you lived in Africa and came to America. I don't know anything about African culture. Not a thing. Another black friend of mine who calls herself "African American" got upset when a mutual friend asked if soul food is food from Africa. She looked at me, expecting me to be as angry as she was. It didn't. The way I see it, call yourself what you are. At least the passed 4 generations of my family have been born and raised in Pennsylvania. We stopped being African American a LONG time ago, when our rituals, religion, language and general culture were forced away. So I'm not African American. I'll say it loud; I'm black and I'm proud!

Update!

So the strange "Axanti I love you" situation. Ummmm my friend hit me with all of these Johnny Depp quotes. One said 'if you're in love with two people, choose the second one; because if you really loved the first one you wouldn't have fallen for the second one.' That was mean, because I felt really bad. Looking back, I see that this was the only thing that made me feel so strange. Sympathy. But Darrin made a good point, that he knew from the beginning of our friendship that I was taken, so yeah. I got over it, which is good. I cried for a long time and I felt awful. That brings me to my next thing; my old friend has returned to me! I called him crying one night and now we text everyday! I'm in a new house and only 1 week and 6 days until I see my boyfriend. Life is great!

I should blog a lot more.

I'm better on the page than in person. When I try talking to people I always sound less intelligent than I am. If I said that in person I probably would've said "smart" instead of intelligent. I think it's the whole being-in-the-spotlight thing, it makes me lose words. I hate it, because some of my friends are extremely intelligent and it's intimidating wanting people to see how intelligent you really are.

Craziness

So craziness has been happening. A month ago (I think) I met this guy on the bus and we started talking. At the end of the bus ride he asked for my number and we begun our friendship. We'd take each other to lunch and text. That was up until thanksgiving, when he told me that he'd fallen in love with me. "I don't believe in God," he said, "but I prayed that I'll end up with Axanti." That hit home. He went on to say that he could love me more than anyone else could and that he wished he was Darrin (my boyfriend). He kept saying he loved me and then said the we could never speak again because he was torturing himself seeing me with someone else.

That on top of the rough patch my boyfriend and I have been going through equals one confused mind. I was soo confused. Did I love him too? No, actually, I didn't. My sympathy for him manifested itself in a strange way at a vulnerable time. It's Saturday night and he texted me again, saying something is missing from his life. What is happening?? He knew from the beginning I was taken. I did nothing other than be polite and give him rides home sometimes. When he told me all of this (on FaceTime), I cried. I cried for so long. I called my amazing friend Steven and told him how I felt: like a horrible person. He comforted me, thankfully. I just hate the burden of ruining someone's life on my shoulders.

Today is my boyfriend's birthday.

I love you baybeh!

LEMONGRAB

My new obsession.

MMMMMMMM PUTCHU IN MY OVEN!!!

Life

is good.

more troubles from today.

1) had to cancel scheduled rendezvous with my friend :( no Indian food for lunch.

2) work did NOT make me feel the way I wanted it to. Drama with supervisor who won't really talk to me and then will talk to me, just ugh.

3) got on instagram and saw that friend posted picture in hookah bar. Crushed my soul, because she/he knows that I use instagram religiously.

4) Kept thinking about that^ for a long time and the whole bonding stuff and was fighting back tears. Am fighting back tears now.

5) Bleh. Today, I need to cry. I don't want to, but I need to.

6) does it really matter what 6 is supposed to be?

7) I can't talk about getting a promise ring for my boyfriend. HE can talk about getting one for ME, but I can't talk about it, it's "too soon". Made me very upset.

Didn't text him for the rest of the time he was awake. Once he fell asleep I started missing him so I called him (3 times I think.)

I'm still upset.

Very upset.

I don't wanna cry, because I picked today (of all days) to wear mascara.

I just want a close friend who doesn't smoke weed, so we can have that connection. The thing is though, that means that my boyfriend and I won't have that "me and you against the world", it'll be me and my friend. What if boyfriend gets jealous? You know what. Who cares if boyfriend gets jealous. I. Need. To. Be. Able. To. Talk. To. Someone. Who. Gets. Me. Boyfriend gets me on most things, but he is also one of those "it's only once in a while" people. At that point, whether it's the truth or not, I classify it as an excuse. Ex crush said "only once in a while" and then became guilty and admitted to smoking almost every day or at least every weekend. I just bleh. it's 1:59AM. Idk if I mean what I'm saying or if I'm just upset and want an outlet to unload on.. but I feel slightly better. Slightly. I still have a good cry building up in me. Think I'm gonna try to trick it into becoming a laugh. To adventure time I go!

So... ugh.

Mkay. So like. Today was awful. I feel so left out. Still. Someone close to me has been hiding the fact that he/she smokes weed. I haven't blogged about it because I wanted to try to deal with it and be okay with it before typing about it. That didn't happen. Today, she/he posted a picture of him/herself at a hookah bar with her/his friends. It hurts me so much because I didn't know for MONTHS. For MONTHS, I was saying "Oh my goodness, this person is a perfect friend! I thought I was the only person left in the world (besides my immediate family) that doesn't smoke weed! We can relate! We're strong enough to get through life without doing that dumb stuff, pshh, who needs it? And now I feel kinda like.. ugh. My sister and I may be the only people left in the world who don't smoke anything. On the one hand, I'm proud of myself. On the other.. I feel so alone. (I'm told) people bond over doing bad things together. They become lifelong friends and develop this bonds that no one can break because they did something bad together. That means that this person will forever be bonded to her/his friends in a way that she/he will never bond with me. That may not be what bothers me. I'm just spewing now. I think what bothers me is the whole time I'm oblivious to what's going on.

I'm sitting here like an idiot thinking "oh, we have so much in common, oh, we're so alike, oh oh oh! Stupid. I think it wouldn't be so bad if it hadn't been so long. For SOOO LOOONG it has been ENGRAVED in my brain that "we are different from the idiot teenagers today. we do shit our way. we're above the influence." blah blah blah. But you know what? This may or may not have anything to do with the rest of what I said and may contradict it, but WHATEVER... They can live their lives. I'm going to live mine. Yes, I am gravely bothered and upset with it, but it's their fucking life. Now, I was PLANNING to start drinking around this person, because I trust her/him, and they can tell me when to stop and all that. But you know what? I changed my mind. I like who I am. I don't need alcohol to have fun and I don't need weed to relax. I'm not going to start drinking until I am 1) surrounded by people I trust, not random people, and 2) of legal age. I'm not one for illegal things. Like not at all. The thought of being arrested for underage drinking puts me in my place. You live your life, cuz I'm living mine! The way I choose.

life in the passed few weeks

College life is purty good. I have a job and a car AND A LICENSE :) I've been to one disappointing party so far. I really wanna go to a Halloween party. In a non-slutty costume. (Unless my boyfriend was going with me :P I'm not gonna lie, with my boyfriend around I don't mind looking a little raunchy :P number one because he likes it, and number two because that eliminates idiots trying to hit on me.) I REALLY WANNA GO TO A HALLOWEEN PARTY. I really do. But anyways, I was really upset this weekend. My boss said to me "Come on, Axanti. I expect better from you." That hurt my feelings. I can deal with people being pissed off and mad at me, but I can't deal with disappointment. I cried for a night and was sad for about two days. Le boyfriend told me not to worry, but worrying is kinda what I do... I was on skype with my supervisor (cuz we're friends.. he kinda likes me, but I'll get into that later..) and he said it's probably his fault, because before my boss said that to me, HE said "Aww Axanti, that's a noobie move." He said it as a joke. And said That my boss was kidding (a lie, to try and make me feel better). I knew it was a lie, and pointed out that my boss was dead serious and didn't even crack a smile. So that happened.

BACK TO AWKWARD SUPERVISOR LIKING ME SITUATION. First of all, I thought he was cool and wanted to hang out. That was all. THE VERY FIRST DAY WE HUNG OUT, my boyfriend came up, and I said "yes" to "Is that your boyfriend". The next time I'm texting him, I say my new iPhone 4 is amazing. To which he replies "Your amazing." (Extra points to my boyfriend for using proper grammar and spelling.) While we were on skype, I told him I had to read something for my homework and asked him to be quiet. He kept wolf whistling at me, and I kept shushing him. When I was done, he said something so inappropriate that I'm not going to post it on the interwebs with my name attached to it. Just know that he implied something completely inappropriate, and then when he was rejected, said "Just kidding. I'm your supervisor, dummy." SO inappropriate. Also, while I was at work I met this new guy; 18 years old, really funny. I tried talking to him the whole night, and my supervisor (who I'm assuming was jealous) kept making him do other things and interrupting our conversations. Smh. He's very annoying. I'm not really a horoscope person, but my horoscope says to take time away from people who are annoying me. NO PROBLEM! I started today, haha. He comments on my instagram photos because "I don't text him anymore." I WONDER WHY. Smh he needs a girlfriend. I'm so irritated with him. Like permanently irritated. He's being inappropriate with me and jealous and I don't like it. I thought we could be friends and he calls me "bffl" but I'm really just done. I need a male friend. A friend who is male. Who finds me repulsive but funny. That's all I need. Class is starting soon. Last class of the day! I better head there. Stay tuned for more awkward life stuff!

So this guy won't stop talking to me.

I don't know if it matters what he looks like, but I'll describe him anyway. He's a medium-height Asian guy with reeeally bad teeth. You know how in cartoons, the character tries to bite down on something and breaks all their teeth in half? Yeah. That shouldn't matter, but it makes it difficult to focus on his eyes when he talks. It wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so pessimistic/racist about life, I might enjoy talking to him. But I don't. The first time I talked to him, he was really racist towards Mexican specifically. He was saying how Mexicans are drunks, loud and annoying; and I told him how that's not specific to any race, it's basically every teenager alive today. He admitted it, even. Then a guy walked by with a septum piercing and cruella devil-dyed hair. He said how scary it looks and how people should have "normal" piercings. That upset me a little. I didn't say that, I said that I like when people get piercings, they're unique; and not everyone wants to be "normal". He said "yeah, that's true..." And then sat there quietly. I really need to sit in a different spot. It's hard trying to state my opinion without screaming "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" every time. It shouldn't be, but sometimes it is.

Life

life is good.

Bumpy road

So I wasn't prepared for arguing more than once a month. Now I'm waist-deep in relationship water when I've only ever stuck my toes in. It's cold, I'm freaking out, I don't know what to do.

En français!

Je vais aller écrite en français. J'aime la culture et la cuisine et je suis besoin de practique. Je ne sais pas comment de parler about things je veux parler. Aussi, I keep substituting my spanish for french. When I want to say I don't know, "No sé" pops into my head. Il y a trois mois (I almost put "hasta") jusqu'à ce je voyage a Philadelphia a visiter mon cher. Je suis besoin de sa amour.

YEAR OF THE DRAGON!

My interview went so well! At first I thought I was in trouble because my supervisor's superior asked to "talk to me". We walked for a while and I was starting to get nervous. I asked if I was in trouble or if someone else was. He was taking me to his office for my interview! Yay! He's my good friend. I felt happy that he was interviewing me. The interview went well but something is sticking in my mind. I was sitting up straight and trying not to move my arms, so I wouldn't seem nervous, and I looked him dead in the eye the whole time. What is sticking in my mind is that twice he just stared at me. For like 5 LOOOONG seconds. And I didn't break eye contact because you know, it was an interview. The second time he asked if I was okay... Maybe I was sitting up a little too straight? Maybe he thought I was poking my boobs out at him. Oh baby jesus, that's awkward. I just.. it was like.. looooong eye to eye just.. dead silence in the room. Like. Wow. Idk why but it's just stuck in my brain. Oh goodness I hope he doesn't like me. Ughhhh I hate the "sorry, I have a boyfriend" conversation. That's probably not what it was. It was an interview and I was sitting up way too straight. And I wasn't moving. And I was looking him dead in the eye. Dammit. It probably looked like I was poking my boobs out. AWKWARD. UGH. WHY DON'T I SLOUCH LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?

Year of the dragon continued?

Yesterday I got my license. Today I went to work. Tomorrow I have an interview for a promotion!! Must be the year of the dragon. I'm soooo hopeful for this promotion! Not only do I get a subtle pay increase, but I'll be working more closely with what I love: food. Going to work is not always fun evade I'm on register ALL DAY. Occasionally I need to prepare the food, but generally I'm on register. This promotion makes me a supervisor of the kitchen. That means ALL DAY I'll be cooking and cleaning. Sounds crazy but I love to cook and prepare food! Slicing cilantro, preparing lime, it's all so exciting! I don't know if I'll be able to sleep well tonight! Thoughts of the interview are settled in my mind. (I like the picture. I took it today. I know it has nothing to do with anything.)

weird. like pickles and cheese on a pb&j.

Ignore the picture, it's 11:24pm and soo many thoughts are running through my head. I typed in weird food and picked what didn't make me itch. let's start with me going to bonfare to buy sunflower seeds and my favorite guy being there. Thai, my buddy. He's been working there ever since we moved to California. today when I walked up and said my awkward

"What's uuuuuup?" He replied with

"Hey, beautiful." Deja vu. I tried to change the subject reeeeally fast and said:

"You're looking beautiful today yourself!" Awkward.

"Handsome," he corrected me.

"Handsome, sorry," I said with a nervous laugh.

Why do I get so awkward when people compliment me?

My sister and I left and said nothing about him calling me beautiful, or ignoring her altogether.

One thing that BOGGLES THE SHIT OUT OF MY MIND is that I looked like crap today. I did it on purpose as a strategy to help me do better on my driving test (yay), and just didn't feel like getting pretty. I'm talking white heads all over my face, dreads still fuzzy cuz I haven't twisted them in like... a while. I don't even know how long it's been. Regular t-shirt, not low-cut, and shorts that just graze my knees. With flip flops. And ashy feet. Like. Part of me is wondering what people see when they look at me. The other part is hoping that he was just flirting to try to get me to buy stuff. I like that idea. I get weird when I find out people are interested in me. Ugh it's 11:33. I really need to sleep. I don't even remember why I started typing this. Oh, because this is the second time this year that someone has said to me, out of the blue (that isn't my boyfriend) "Hey, beautiful." I expected to hear that only once per decade. Must be Year of the Dragon mojo! Hope this mojo sticks around December 14th to the 21st, because I could use it! Goin back to Philly, Philly, Philly. Yeah that was lame. I'm gonna sleep now I think.

Year of the Dragon, maybe?

I have a lot to type. This morning I woke up at 5:40. I was so nervous about my test that I stupidly drank coffee. To stay awake. That's what my brain was telling me. "Drink some coffee so you'll stay awake." The drive to the San Francisco DMV was long and stressful. I was a nervous reck! My mom made me start stress breathing. Quick exhales through my teeth and then a loooooong exhale. I had to take deep breaths for a looooong time. And then they weren't that deep. My mom made me do 10 jumping jacks before I pulled my car around to the testing area. Then she made me get out and jump around while I was waiting for my instructor. Then she told me to sit with my eyes closed and just breathe. It seemed like I couldn't breathe, or even find a normal breathing rhythm.

There was an old man next to me taking his motorcycle test on a scooter. He said (to someone else) he'd taken it before and failed. The man he was talking to wished him good luck and then said the same to me. (Apparently, to a lot of people, I'm "young lady".) So my instructor came and tested all of the little things of my car. Turn signals, hazards, emergency brake, all of it. Then I was asked (just as before) to back up in a straight line. Then we were off! He told me to make a right. I accidentally got into the left turn lane, so I had to wait in-between lanes until the green light. I made lots of lefts and rights. Then towards the end, he made me do left turn after left turn after left turn, and I wondered why. About the third left turn, I began to wonder: Am I doing it correctly? I made sure to look both ways and all that junk. We pulled back into the DMV parking lot and I made a risky move: I parked between two cars. Yeep! I made 14 minor errors total. Two more and I wouldn't have passed! I guess It's just the year of the dragon! I graduated, took summer classes, got with the love of my life, and became a licensed driver in the state of California. Year of the Dragon.

I like how she made herself comfortable like I'm not even here

I'm freaking out a little bit.

Behind the wheel test is FRIDAY. Work sat and sun. I START COLLEGE ON MONDAY!! I NEED MY LICENSE! Without it, I have a 4 hour total travel time from my house to school. I NEEEEEED MY LICENSE! If I don't get it, I have MONTHS to wait to do the six hour driving again! I'm nervous! Like oh my goodness! I don't want to fail! I'm trying to be confident, but I need to publicly freak out first, so here goes: iFAO;IENCRALIN;ASIJFN'ASDJFA;OUFYABUVFYA;IGNAVLDSKGNADLSJFH ASFGALIUYAWOIVNECU;AIODNFLASUDBGAYDSGFABCLUEFBA;OIDFC;ANIULAIUEWCLNIUARYTBLACIUEYFBO;SRIGNS;NORIGDIORGUN;AVOINGU;VAOFYB. That's enough freaking out. Time for meditation. Om. . . I am a safe driver. Om. . . I need to be confident. Om. . . I found this website that made me really happy! It says

"Lane changes – both left and right lane changes

Turns – both left and right turns

Pull over to the curb side and then do a straight line backup

Pull into a parking space when returning to the DMV parking lot"

are what they ask you to do in the test! I GOT THIS!!!!!!! CONFIDENCE BOOST.

DISAPPOINTING.

I went to a party on Friday night. It was reeeally not my thing. First of all, people were drinking. Since I'm not 21 yet, I don't wanna get arrested. I wouldn't mind that so much if people weren't trying to get me to drink. It was uncomfortable. THEN, people came in that nobody knew and started rolling the weed things. Even more uncomfortable. THEN someone walked in and asked "who's 18 in here?" EVEN MORE UNCOMFORTABLE. Parties in my mind should people a bunch of people dancing like idiots and having fun. Apparently, after about 2005, that idea died out. "Parties" are now an excuse to drink and have sex. Which sucks, because I do neither; another thing that makes me wish my boyfriend was here with me. I'd LOVE to bring him to a party. He's the kind of protective type that I like. Not the kind that would speak for me or tell me I'm not allowed to do something, the kind that would introduce himself as my boyfriend to everyone in the room :) gotta love him. SO I left the party early. I stayed for about an hour, had a few good laughs and then left. Everyone said I looked sad, sitting in a corner by myself. Well, I was playing defensive. Plus I was wearing a tight dress and high wedges (the whole reason I went to the party, to play dress up), so I didn't wanna get up and walk passed people. They might think I was showing off.

Which I was not! I also made sure that Darrin kept texting me the whole time. Just in case anyone asked, "It's my boyfriend." Someone did say "probably texting your man, huh?" "YUP!" I said, trying not to smile. No one talked to me after that HAHA. All of the men in the room were obviously single and looking for a one night stand, which I don't do. Oh, if only Darrin were there. That would have been a fun party!

SKEWING INTO RANDOM OTHER THING>>> I was talking with my friend and now supervisor. He asked me about Darrin and he asked if we "had fun before I left" for California. I laughed and asked what he meant by "have fun" it sounded dirty. He said that in California, "having fun" means "having sex". Haha, who knew, right? Everyone but me, I guess. I said nooo, I don't do that. He asked why not, was I Christian or Catholic? Haha, I haven't gotten that question before. I told him how I don't have a religion, but it just didn't happen yet. If it'd happened with any of my ex's it would have been a HUGE regret. No matter which of them it would have been. That's another reason that I like Darrin. He hasn't either, so it's no pressure. He's fine with waiting a year or more until I'm SUUUUURE sure. Which I lovedy love love. Haha, who would've known that two kids who hardly spoke to each other when they met would end up so close as young adults? Not me. I'm not gonna question the system, I'm just glad that I'm winning this love game. By a lot.

Adolescent heart break? Teenage mending.

I got my 11" MacBook Air yesterday! It is amazingly small and sleek, shiny, has that new computer smell :) I can't thank my parents enough. The other laptop we have is old and breaking. Kinda sucks for my little sister, but I told her she can use my computer when she needs to.

NEW DEVELOPMENTS>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

TODAY. ON FACEBOOK. The inner child of me died, then revived, then had a heart attack. Anyone who read my diary from 3rd to about 5th grade knows that for the longest time, I thought I was in love with Nathaniel Vahedi. Key word is THOUGHT. Looking back, I have no idea why. He was the only kid that ever really bullied me my whole life. I began to cry at a concert one day when he slapped me across the face after I made a joke about him. Fighting to keep the tears away, I threatened to tell his mother (because she kept him in line). I don't remember why, but I didn't. I just cried. Back at the school we went to, one day his friends followed me and mine and just bothered us. I remember Nathaniel swung me around and let me go abruptly, I fell against a wall and scraped my arm. The next day he asked my friend to ask me if I was okay. (AWESOME BADASS 3RD GRADE MOMENT COMING UP.) I said "If he wants to see my arm he can ask me himself."

DAYUM I used to be a badass!

The awkward thing about Nathaniel is that I would see him over and over again. He is a violin player, far more advanced than I, and we both had the same teacher -__- At a concert, (I hadn't seen him in maybe a year) we talked to his mom. Ms. Mary. I love her, she was always so nice to me. When he walked by, she said "Nathaniel, come say hi to the girls!" He shook his head and walked between his mother and I, not looking at me. Ouch. What had I done to make him behave like that?? At that same concert there was free food (awesome), so I ate a lot and then had to throw it away. For some reason he was standing by the trash can? I didn't notice. When I sat back down, my sisters both laughed and said he stared at me the whole time I was standing. I looked at him but of course he showed no interest in me.

I think about another year later, we were at a concert for my teacher Mr. Casmir's nephew. After the concert, again, free food! Awesome! I gorged myself and then noticed someone standing against a pillar, isolated from everyone. You guessed it. Nathaniel again. Neither one of us talked to the other, and we both pretended not to see the other. That was really awkward.

Now this all happened while I was 8 to about 11. It's one of those heart-wrenching memories you can't forget. What triggered all of this was my friend, Milan. She tagged him in a picture I posted from third grade, and then he added me on Facebook. (That's Nathaniel in the yellow jacket.) Seeing his name almost broke my heart. That's the guy that slapped me across the face, threw me against a wall and pretended (on more than one occasion) that I didn't exist. I stared at the friend request for a while before I accepted it. The past is passed, right? Was I really going to ignore his friend request just because he was a jerk to me 9 years ago? Nah, I decided not. Even though he hurt me, BADLY, someone else from third grade (my boyfriend) mended my broken heart, more than once. It kinda sucks that for about 3 or so years I was obsessed with "Nate" when the perfect, sweetest, smartest, cutest guy in the world was staring me in the face. As far as childhood heartbreaks go, Nathaniel is number one with a bullet, but as far as people-I-want-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-even-if-we-don't-get-married-because-I-just-love-having-you-in-my-life go, Darrin is always number 1, and he always will be.

The tall gentleman wearing black in the middle is my boyfriend :)

I feel better!

I've been working on these illustrations for my aunt's (friend?'s) book for about two months now. And I'm starting to feel less useless in the world, because something my grandmother said hit me. "People are gonna pick up that book in 20 years and wonder who you were." That touched me because really, all I want out of life is to be remembered for SOMETHING. In addition to having a family and staying in touch with my parents and grandparents, having a successful job, I want to be known for more than what people say at my eulogy. I want to make an imprint on this world for the short time I'm here. I want to do something that matters so that I can say "I did that all by myself, every step of the way. I accomplished something."

God

I don't like the idea of someone having to GIVE me or bless me with something. Like "We're waiting for the lord to bless us with a car." Why do you have to wait for GOD to get a car? Why don't YOU save money for a car? Doesn't make sense to me. And when someone's sick, they say "God, please use your healing powers to make him/her better because we know you can, almighty God!" but when the person dies, "It was God's will to take him/her beyond this world of pain." the way I see it, believe what you want, whatever helps you get through the bad times, stick to it; but here are some problems I have.

1) the Bible says we are
Born sinners, right? We are born lying, stealing, cheating, but the Bible was written by men, so how do we know it's not a lie?

2) Christians always take it too far. Like WAY too far. My friends' (yes, more than one) crazy moms would ground their children forever for being at my house because my parents aren't Christians, but Buddhists. Does it really matter what religion someone claims if they have a pure heart and the best intentions?

3) People interpret the Bible wrongfully and choose passages to spew to people just to put them in the right. I'm pretty sure that it says in the Bible something like "God loves all of his children," and that he knows everything about us since before we are born. Meaning God loves heterosexuals, homosexuals, light people, dark people, short and tall. Who's idea was it that God must not like things that we don't just because they're different?

Alot of people aren't going to like what I say, but they're just my thoughts.

I guess right about now you're wondering what religion I am and assuming that I'm an Atheist. Well, I'm not. The closest religion that I identify with is Buddhism. It suggests that one can better one's own life. Be that as it may, I identify as Undecided. Why divide ourselves from each other? We are one tiny speck in the universe, and in my opinion should concentrate on other things; like saving the planet that we are so slowly murdering.

Democrats

Love the ideals. Bill Clinton supporting Barrack Obama is one of the coolest things I've ever seen. He is a great Motivational speaker, and I agree with a lot of democratic ideals. Listening to Bill Clinton speak about the kind of future possible with Obama filled me with hope. Now, I'm not framing pictures of them and lighting candles, but right now, I am sure that I am a Democrat. It's a nice feeling, kind of a sense of identity.

Pictures from today. So peaceful.

Phase 2? Real relationship

My boyfriend and I have been arguing lately, which I find exciting. This is a real relationship, ya know? Two people learning about each other and trying to explain things to each other in a way the partner can understand. It's just so fascinating! All of my past relationships have stayed in that first lovey dovey phase for the duration of the relationship. To the point where I would get bored. I never told anyone the real reason that I broke up with my boyfriend in 6th grade, but I was just bored. He was the sweetest guy ever and he bored me to death! Flowers from his aunt's garden, holding hands when we walked: all the cute stuff, but NEVER any arguing! It wasn't real. This, with my boyfriend is real. We REALLY irritate each other sometimes, and my parents' 20 years of marriage tells me that irritation is an okay thing. If nothing else, it forces one to learn to be patient and understanding. And those are two very important character flaws that I will own up to. It's nice being with someone who thinks differently than I do. He's not always tranquil enough to explain things to me in a way I understand, but just the knowledge that what we have is real and that we're both committed and loyal to each other just makes my heart soar.

I love him. How can someone be mature and yet be as sweet as a 3rd grader with a crush? He says things like "I don't know how your hair works, but I like it. It looks good on you," and "you look pretty," when I'm wearing something he likes. He notices when i put on a different necklace, change my nail polish, put on eyeliner! In a word, he's awesome.

Neighbors are... Special

Our next door neighbor has a one car garage and parks two cars in front of his house. Which, by the way, is crossing the line. One day, he came over and asked my dad to move his car because "He had no room to get out," when actually he had plenty of room. His daughter(s) are driving now, and bloke every naive parent, he points the blame away from his household. He mentioned to my dad (in passing, like a douche) that his car has a crack on the bumper, and said something like 'your kids are driving now right?' to imply that it was one of us. That's rude because first of all, his daughters are driving too. The way he said it make it seem like we're less careful than they are. It's rude second of all because there are no "cracks" on any of the three cars that we fit (PERFECTLY, I might add) into our two car garage. It's just really irritating that he would try to make my parents pay for his daughters' accident.

Eureka..

O was so nice to me because today is his last day. I was talking to my friend Lex (who's also leaving), and she said he'd been nice to her as well! He even caught her drinking soda and said "It's okay." that has NEVER happened in the history of O. I feel kind of bittersweet about yesterday now. He didn't REALLY think I was doing a good job, did he? I don't know, maybe he did. I can't see inside his brain, but I feel weird now.

In other news, I am absolutely ecstatic for the month of December. I'm finally going to see my boyfriend! It's been 9 years since we've seen each other in person and 6 months since we've been a couple. I don't even KNOW how to prepare for seeing my boyfriend for the first time! He's gonna pick me up from the airport and take me to my friend's house (where I'm staying). So that means I need to carry a mirror with me. Maybe makeup. No makeup. Well maybe eyeliner? I'll have already been asleep, and I don't want him to see my "I just woke up" face. As I type this, I'm imagining walking to the car with him, that awkward/cute silence, driving around with him, ugh. I'm torturing myself. And I have 10 minutes left until my lunch is over.

I have another blog, tumblr. I don't use it much except to send gooey notes to my friends :) if you wanna read that, I guess you could check it out.

I just thought of something. What if I'm SO nervous that I bite the nails I've been working so hard on? :/ don't stress, don't stress, don't stress, aaaaaaaaah!!!! :/

Amazing!!

Work. Work work work. There were two supervisors that everyone said were mean and hated every body. The first was DA. She's so sweet to me, always! Because from day 1, I've always given her a smile and a "hello". The second one is O. Apparently EEEEVERYONE hates him. He is actually the reason for this blog. Today for the first time ever, O said "Thank you!" TO ME! I was as shocked as can be. When I was about to leave he said "good work". I was soo surprised, I barely said thank you in time for him to hear! That really just made my day. Even though I had to work two hours of overtime, it was worth it :)

What I look like right now, if you care

I can't be normal. It's just.. unnatural.

Because of my previous posts, I feel the need to reassure you, Mr. or Mrs. reader, that I am not suicidal. Today, although long was very... let's say useful. I ran errands, which with no car took literally all day. I woke up at 6:30, and I am home now at 3:16. Literally, ALL DAY. But awesome things are going down this week! Number one: Dad's birthday is tomorrow. It's kind of bittersweet because he never knows what he wants or what he wants to do, so we have no idea what gift to get him. Friday is the Employee Luau!! Weeeee, I can't wait to hang out with Lex! She put in her two weeks notice, and is leaving me soon :/ I can't believe it! She's like my best work friend ever, and she's leaving :( What ever shall I do? That wasn't sarcasm, I am highly upset. How could she leeeeeeeeeeeeeave? :/ Bleh. She's a really great friend and now I won't see her around anymore. It sucks. Oh, I just found out that instead of working 3pm-11 this Saturday and Sunday I'm working ONE P.M. TO ELEVEN. I should be upset but I'm thinking about the money! Money money money monay... MONAY! Whoo whoo, big paychecks! My second to last stop today was to Sally's Beauty Supply to get some bleach. Time to test it out!

Honest self-analysis number three

I'm not clinically depressed. After my last two posts, I feel the need to state that. I am usually a very happy person. I'm not going to lie and say I'm one of those people who are happy all the time, no one is happy ALL THE TIME. It's impossible and unnatural. My boyfriend said that I'm "always negative". Hearing that, you must think he's right, but I know myself. I'm not always negative. These honest self-analyses were to help me be more okay with me. I know all the good parts of me already. I don't wanna blog about them too much because I don't want to come off as conceited. I am slowly learning to love myself and who I am. It's a slow process, but I think it's working.

(I googled myself to find a picture of myself and I am highly upset to report that a picture of my ex came up. Smh google, what are you doing?)

Honest self-analysis number two

I'm a liar. I don't mean to be, sometimes it just slips out. When I was in 7th grade, I told my teacher that I'd tried Polo before. I asked, "You're not supposed to fall off the horse, are you?" I knew you weren't. I knew what polo was. I have no idea why I lied. I sometimes wonder what percentage of what people say to me is the truth. Am I the only liar? I lied today because my sister insulted me and I became defensive.

I'm also immature and dramatic. 95% of the reason I use twitter is because I know my boyfriend will read it sooner or later. When I'm angry/upset with him, I'll tweet about it because I know he'll read it. Once or twice I made myself cry while leaving him a voicemail to see if it'd make him call me back faster. Boy, was I in for a surprise! He doesn't listen to his voicemails anymore. At least, not the ones from me.

I'm an idiot.

I am horrible at math. And I know people say that who are in Geometry, but I mean I have gone through pre-calculus and still have trouble with basic subtraction. Embarrassing when you work register at your job. One person that made me feel better was my supervisor (did I give him a nickname already?) Dan. Dan and I talked for a little bit and I confessed my shameful secret, I sometimes have to write out subtraction problems to give people the correct change. THANK GOODNESS, he laughed and said he did the same when he was an associate. At least I'm not the only one.

Last but not least, I'm a closet activist. Most times, I don't shave my legs just to put a middle finger to society. The only thing is: It kind of sucks being an activist when you're the only woman in the room with hairy legs.

Okay, this one is last for sure. Sometimes I really dislike myself. Maybe all of this drama is just a side effect of the pill, but it's how I feel sometimes. Hideous. Pimples all over my face, black hairs making normally attractive parts of my body some kind of joke. It's hard to deal with. A little late, but my mom bought me this book named Body Drama. It addresses EVERYTHING that a woman could be concerned with. Literally E-V-E-R-Y T-H-I-N-G. I say "a little late" not to blame my mom, but to wish that I'd found that book sooner. The book depicts nude women at the end. Not in a pornographic way, in an "everyone is beautiful" way. It shows all kinds of women, all skin tones, all body types, it's very empowering.

Honest self-analysis

I don't know what happened. I was such a happy child and I used to love making new friends. I think the combination of high school and two long-distance relationships did it. High school, first of all. Hard to make friends hard to make good friends. Throughout my four years of high school, I'd been searching desperately for that one best friend, since the girl I grew up with and the girl I named my best friend live in Pennsylvania. The search failed, time after time. After a while, people just forgot about me. Freshman to sophomore year, my friends split up and chose other friends to be around. It happens, right? I read somewhere that people change friends about every seven years. As true as that may or may not be, my mom found a best friend in high school, so I feel a little behind.

Everyone tells me that college is the time and the place, it'll happen in college. Well, what if the problem isn't school, what if the problem is me? My mom told me once that she sees me becoming anti-social. I didn't agree with her, I thought it absurd. I'm the chatty person, the one that loves talking to people! No way I'm anti-social. Now that I take a closer look in the mirror, my boyfriend is my world. I text him, call him, skype him all the time. I don't shut everyone out and I text my other friends, but my boyfriend is the only one that answers most of the time. Maybe that's my fault too? Have I made the impression that there's only one best friend for me and it's not anyone on this planet? Maybe I need to stop using "best friend". Maybe one good friend that I can talk to is better than a so-called "best friend".

One other person labeled me one of her best friends. I swear, mid-sentence I was thinking, "How rude! I'm just one of many," but now I'm thinking. If you have one best friend who knows everything, that friend could disappear and you'd be left with nothing. Maybe I don't need a best friend, maybe I need best friends.

In my mind, I'm a model.

So I did this for my boyfriend.

I THINK I'm a model, anyway.

I swept my hair to the side.

Haven't you seen me in Teen Vogue?

Idk what this neck thing is... But I kinda like it.

Last picture (for today)

Adults don't understand. Sometimes, kids really don't know.

I distinctly remember getting in trouble for saying something. I didn't know what that something was, so I made up something that sounded similar (to get laughs). You may be familiar with the song "to the window to the wall". While playing that song, djs always seem to cut it off at one part. "Till the sweat drops down my _______, ..." to which everyone would scream the word that goes there. I never heard that word until years later, in a movie where Sandra Bullock rapped it in the woods with someone's grandma (The Proposal). So when I was a kid, sitting on my auntie's couch, that song came on the radio. I didn't know what the word was, so I made up words that sound like the ones in the song. "Til the sweat drops down my fows, all these females growl, ..."

"HEY!" my sister snapped at me, now glaring.

"What?" I asked, clueless.

"You see?" My aunt Loretta said to my sister, "you see how they say what you do?"

"Yeah," she said.

I was so clueless. It happened again while our family was watching Rush Hour. You know, Chris Tucker stands on top of something and tells everyone there's a bomb in the building and to get out ASAP? Then he says "____s, ___s, ___s. Getcho ___s out of here." Got lots of laughs from my parents. I didn't know why, I had no idea what he said, so once again, I made up my own word!

"Chitties, chitties, chitties," I said, "Getcho chitties out of here!" and laughed.

My mom gave me that look and told me not to say it again. I honestly had NO IDEA what the heck he was saying. Just had to get that out. Parents always think that kids learn too early and repeat it, not that we just repeat what we THINK we hear.

Boys and .s

Why do boys / men always freak out about periods? It makes me very upset because first of all, they always make the situation weird and then don't wanna touch or be around you until you're not diseased anymore. The second reason it bothers me so much is that IT DOESN'T HAPPEN TO YOU! It's been happening to me since I was 11; you're an adult and freaking out. I know it's gross but you saying "eww" every time doesn't help. This is directed towards every male-type humanoid on the planet. You guys burp out loud, poop with your penises in the toilet, some don't shower, some wear dirty clothes, some have the most disgusting things lying around their rooms that I don't even wanna get into, and my period is the grossest thing in the world? Makes perfect sense.

I want to retract what I said about talking to ALL male-type humanoids on the planet, because there are some very sweet boys and men who still cuddle their girlfriends and are very sympathetic. Others, who are incredibly smart, keep track of when their girlfriend's last period was so they know when to expect the next one. This kind of blew me away. Incredibly kind and thoughtful. While I'm on the subject of being kind, Male-type Humanoids: first of all. Don't ever say ANYTHING close to: "wow, you're really upset. Are
You on your period?"

This makes us females so upset because it implies that we are always angels except when we are going through menstruation, which is not true. Sometimes, we're just angry. Just like sometimes YOU're just angry.

Another thing to never say is "Calm down." that is THE. WORST. THING. YOU. CAN. POSSIBLY. SAY. TO. A. FEMALE. Never mind what "Calm down" actually means, what it sounds like to us is "You're crazy and I can't handle you like this. Please stop being crazy."

I just want to reiterate how pleased I am to have found out that there are some men that make women still feel awesome during the worst time of the month. Every month. For the rest of their lives. Bravo, few awesome men.

Work is awesome

Especially after the park closes and there's no more cleaning to do. My supervisors are all friends so after hours, we all kinda goof around. Today, my supervisor Man. ([name kept private] chill, flirty-faced guy.. I'll explain that later) turned on the radio and played it on the PA. It was awesome because then a bunch of people started dancing. Awesome. Another awesome/sad thing is that at the end of the day, we have to throw out all the food. My supervisors are cool, so before we throw the food out we can eat some of it. That's why I had so much bacon and iced coffee today :P

Supervisors. Names are abbreviated since none of them know I blog about them. Man. has a flirty face. I don't know how else to describe it. Since I've been boy-crazy most of my life, I was surprised that it took me so long to notice. Makes sense, though. Ever since my boyfriend and I have been together (6 months, almost), I haven't so much as looked at another person with any kind of interest. Okay, back to flirty face. Try to imagine him. Flirty face, bright eyes, hispanic, like the men in those people en español sexiest man of the week features.

Imagine this guy, WAY younger, 19ish, short spiky hair, about 5'4"1/2. He's a really cool supervisor. He doesn't care if we eat some stuff before we throw it out. If it's going in the trash anyway, why not eat some of it? (As long as we do our jobs well and thoroughly.)

Next sup I'm gonna list is R. He's really funny and CLAIMS that he's not ticklish. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT! EVERYONE's ticklish somewhere. I think he's just very good at hiding it. I poked him under both arms and he squirmed. Mission accomplished. He's cool too. As long as we do our work and follow the rules, we can have some snacks before we feed them to the garbage can. I'm not even gonna bother looking online for a picture similar to him. He has a unique face, I know I won't find anything close to him.I'll list more sups later. (I'm saying sup like "Soup". As in short for supervisor.)

Friends at work! Lex is awesome. We talk about her ex-boyfriend issues and life and stuff. She's awesome. She and I are both working 4pm to 12am this coming saturday, so yay, friend time :) Lil started the day I did, so we're both kinda in the same boat, know as much as each other and stuff. Really awesome. She's fun to poke. Some people act as if I shot them when I poke them, like the dramatic stomach-receding-from-rest-of-body-oh-my-jesus-that-tickled reaction. It's very entertaining. Well I think I've said enough for now. My job is awesome. People are surprised when I say I like working at Great America, but it's really fun. Great people, janitorial and cooking experience, plus I'm on register every day so I get lots of customer interaction. A+ job, A+ pay. Oh, pay reminded me of something I did today. My mother and guide through life told me I should request that $10 go towards federal taxes and $5 towards state taxes, just to be sure I don't owe money or anything. HOLY SHIRPIN DERPIN. I'm gonna have to file my taxes next year! D: Legal adulthood, y u come so fast?

My boyfriend is the cutest, ever.

Have you ever heard that little kid saying "I wish I could marry you so that I could hold your hand all the time." That's how incredibly cute my boyfriend is. I was talking about my hair and how I hate it sometimes and how difficult it is to manage. I tried explaining to him the process of twisting my dreadlocks, which unfortunately went right over his head. His response was "Your hair looks good. I don't understand how it works but it looks good on you." I don't understand how he can be a mature young man and also maintain that childhood sweetness I love so much. I find myself wondering what my past relationships were like, because, well.. we make each other irritated, angry. We make each other do what we need to do, and we keep each other in check. I highlight these parts because these are what I'm not used to. I'm not used to someone making me irritated so often. I'm also not used to someone caring about me so much and treating me so well.. I love it. Him. All of it. Everything.

Je veux!!

Oh sweet bliss.

Things that suck

Gross looking beards.

things that make me happy

Random conversations with random people. Someone from my french class was waiting for the library to open. We just randomly started talking about Obama and the Olympics and dentists and other stuff. People these days always want boyfriends and girlfriends, but sometimes it's nice to just have friendly conversations with people to pass the time.

"Bad boys ain't no good... Good boys ain't no fun."

-Opening lyrics to Mary J. Blige's "Mr. Wrong". A song I don't agree with. In the chorus she sings "Me and Mr. Wrong get along so good, even though he breaks my heart so bad. We've got a special thing going on, I love my Mr. Wrong."

In my opinion that is a TERRIBLE message to send out to women. Good boys are no fun and Mr. Wrong is the one to love, even though he's no good. Horrible.

I never quite understood why women go for the "bad boys". People I know will choose the most dangerous-looking out of a group of men to chase after. How is it at all attractive that someone carries a gun and is part of a gang?

My aunt dated a bad boy. She knew he was involved with some bad people, but she loved him. Unfortunately, love can't protect you from everything. The next news I heard, he'd been shot three times; twice in the back once in the head. That's why I don't approve of or understand falling in love with someone who's no good. Because they're heading down a very bad path and you should consider yourself lucky that they don't bring you down with them.

One of my cousins was sleeping with someone older than she, and she was not of legal age. Her mother sent him to jail, and when he was released, he killed her. I would say that bad boys are not that attractive after all, but for some reason, women everywhere keep chasing after them.

Men, I ask you to raise your sons to be better than you. To be young gentlemen who respect women's wishes and the wishes of their parents as well. Women, I ask that you not only hold off on sex but wait to find someone who would be a good boyfriend or husband.
If your relationship is a secret, there's some kind of problem, and someone who truly loves you will wait AT LEAST until you are of legal age to engage in any kind of sex with you. Some of you reading this are shaking your heads at me. I don't care. I don't want anyone to have to go through the pain that my family has.

I need one of these. Just. Like. Yeah.