One of my best friends is in love!

She just knows. They've only been together for about a week, but when you know, you know! I'm so happy for her because she's been through a lot. I've met the guy and he is the sweetest! I'm so happy for her. She's going to tell him the next time she sees him and I can't wait!!

My friends are in a conflict trying to live together. Money has already been exchanged and no lease has been signed yet. The owner of the house (my friend's mom) was supposed to have left already but she's still there and is very controlling from what I hear. I've learned a lot from their experiences. 

The lease should be signed before you've even moved in and should be read carefully. Everyone should sign the lease. Rent should be paid in something like a money order (comes with a receipt). House rules should be set before move-in so there's no confusion. Rules should be established about privacy and what is or is not appropriate. That's all I have, I think it's pretty useful information.

When I was with Darrin, amazing as he was, he made me feel badly when I was emotional. He'd say I'm too sensitive, too emotional, etc. And when I would cry, he hated it. He never ever wanted to see me cry and as sweet as that was, I felt like I was breaking his heart everytime I was emotional. Also, there were times when Darrin said some things I find offensive, and he'd say that I'm just easily offended.

Patrick, on the other hand seemed unphased by my tears. He held my hand and looked right at me with those beautiful eyes. He doesn't put my emotions over me, as if they control me. Holding my hand he guided me away from them, helped me try to be strong. He also doesn't say offensive things, so that whole issue is nonexistant. I'm not quite sure he's aware of the effect he has on me. Looking at him I see a person I care for deeply, as well as the sort of person I hope to one day become. 

I tried to explain to him once that I wish I had a female version of him to be my best friend, but after I told him that it seemed so ridiculous! What would I do with a Patricia? Paint her nails, talk about cute guys and girls, tell her everything, cry to her when I need to. I do that already with Patrick (except painting his nails). I feel like he can sense when I need to talk and when I'm holding back, as if he knows I need to get something out and he's always willing to listen. I'm happy I met Patrick, someone with so much happiness in his life that he has created and continues to create. 

I like meeting people and getting to know them because in doing so I learn more of myself. What I am, what I could be, what I want and wish not to be. I find it very helpful to figure for myself what I want in life by using others as an example.

Why do we stress so much and complain about stressing while creating an environment conducive to stress? There's a term in psychopathology called the reciprocal gene-environment model, where people tend to create situations that activate their genetic vulnerabilities to certain disorders. I wonder why that is. There's no possible way it happens on purpose, so why does it happen so often? Maybe because we all have to face our fears, even if we're unaware of what they are

Maybe not. Perhaps we all have to deal with what life throws at us, and some of us struggle to overcome more than others because of genetic predispositions. There's no moral of the story here, just thoughts.

This commute is hard on all of us.

Three hours to Stanford, two hours home. By the time we're home we are so exhausted from the long day and from being in the car so long that all we want to do is sleep. This is problematic when I have midterms to study for. In two days, an Abnormal Psychology midterm. Next week, Multicultural Arts. Thank god My schedule has no Friday classes. 

I really need that extra day for homework and catching up on sleep. This Friday I'll be doing homework, then partying, then spending the night with Patrick. Then I'll wake up and study, probably, then go home and study more. Fun.

Two people who like spending time together.

That's the bare minimum for a relationship, in my opinion. Patrick was asking what I define a relationship as, and I didn't know. I'd always thought that you can't really care for someone unless you are in an official, committed relationship. I now find that untrue. 

Patrick and I are in a relationship, I now realize. Just because we're not sexually exclusive doesn't mean we don't care for each other, and that's pretty okay. It's not  like he's ashamed of being seen with me, he interlocks our fingers when he holds my hand and puts his arm around me when we walk. 

I'm pretty happy either way! He is seriously the most awesome person I've ever met! Silly whenever, mature when appropriate, so chill and yet so much fun. I, personally, would say we're in a relationship even if it's not "facebook official" (because I guess that validates life for this generation?). Even if he doesn't consider us a relationship, I have so much fun just spending time with him that I don't care about anything else, especially not labels. What matters is that he makes me feel safe, makes me laugh,  gives me butterflies in my stomach, and most importantly he makes me happy. What more could I ask for? Besides a can of black olives.

Starting healthily!

Starting yesterday I'm cutting out extremely processed foods. I saythat  because things like cheese and bread are technically "processed" if you ask me. Today for lunch I have a salad, eggs and a bananana for snack. When I'm craving sugar I have a spoonful of honey. I had the opportunity to drink concentrated juice, eat candy and fruit snacks but I emerged triumphant! I'm really happy. 

This is an expensive lifestyle, I know, but I want to keep up with it. When I have my own place I hope I can grow my own food, even if just green onions and cilantro, but preferably my own fruits and vegetables. But, I dream pretty big for someone with no job and no direction in life.

"What better time than now?"

But I've never been a live-in-the-moment type of person. I feel like my whole life has been for the future, k-12 school has led up to college, my luck (good and bad) with relationships has helped me realize what I value and has helped me appreciate the relationships I already have.

Patrick suggested I live in the moment.

He said it so simply, as if all I have to do is click my heels three times and everything will be alright. I wish it were that easy. I feel like he's experienced so much of life that he's not afraid, and I've experienced so little that I can't help but fear any and everything.

There's so much I want to do, place I want to visit, but I'm so afraid. When you're raised thinking that death could be off the bottom of a cliff, the bravery to jump off of it is hidden deep down. Even though I have a parachute, my mind races with what could go wrong. What if my parachute tears suddenly? What if I jump or land the wrong way and break a bone? What if I find myself in danger and no one is around to help me?

"You think too much," Patrick told me on a separate occasion.

I'm aware that I do, but I can't help it. I want to analyze and figure out some way to be secure in my life, to be safe and happy. I guess Patrick fascinates me so because I feel like he's been where I am before. He's overcome the obstacles that constrict me and emerged victorious. He's triumphed the one thing I struggle with the most: the self. He loves himself, he does what makes him happy, I don't yet know that I can say the same. Maybe that's why I feel the need to jump.

I've been looking at the other parachutes in the distance and wondering what is holding me back. It's an itching now, a desire tied to emotion, bound tightly by fear.

The day I can jump, feel the wind and the Earth around me, glide, bank, and then land roughly will be the day I can breathe.

Bantu Knot out!

Before

And after

I like this picture.

I picked the worst weekend to get nothing done.

Here we are 2:30pm on sunday and I'm trying to do everything. Shame on me. 

I forgot.

Patrick did pick me up yesterday, in his roommates' pedophile van haha. They bought it because it was cheap. We ended up at Panera Bread, talking for a while, then we headed to Chipotle to wait for my sister to be done. Before we went in, we made out for a long while. I didn't want it to stop. I wanted to go to his apartment and show him what I was feeling on the inside, but it didn't happen. We ate at Chipotle and talked some more, laughed some more, stared at each other some more.

we were that annoying couple staring at each other in public. Is couple the wrong word? Couple as in a couple of people, I guess. Whatever, it was too cute and I loved it. He's the person who I can talk to or be silent with and it's not awkward. I love that too. Okay I really have to do homework and things! Leave me alone, brain!

I told my mom about the party the sweet guy (Jhonny, from my friend Matt's barbecue) invited me to on May 2nd, and she was cool about it. Also, I didn't tell her I'm planning to spend the night with Patrick. I'll tell her that later. The party starts at 8 and ends at 11 and it's in the same town he lives in, so yeah. Patrick is so cute, I can tell he's a good guy because he is legitimately concerned about getting me in trouble with my mom, which is awesome. no one's ever cared about that before. Just shows he has respect for others, which I love about him.

She's less parent-y now and a lot more roommate-y. We had a conversation about her not knowing where we are and stuff, and how that's not safe because anything could happen. So now, as long as we tell her ahead of time where we'll be and then text her if anything changes, it's all good. I get it now. Safety and junk. It's a good practice, when I go to Monterey, I'll try to do the same with my roommate(s). Just because many females (and some males) are raped on college campuses, it's nice to know who's where and with whom.

Anyway, I'm excited to spend the night with Patrick. When I was at his place last time (the first time), I didn't want to leave. I had to tear myself away from him, and it really sucked. All I wanted was to stay there with him forever. Dance with him, stroke his chest hair, kiss him and look into his eyes. In those moments I was more relaxed than I'd ever been. It was even better than sleeping! His overall presence is like a warm sleeping bag while it's cold outside. I've never felt anything like that.

Well I'd hate to leave now but I have a lot studying and reading to do for next week.

So... wow.

Patrick is amazing. I like him more and more every day. I don't know how someone like him can exist in the first place. Not only is he visually mesmerizing, but intelligent and wise for his age. I love how hairy he is. Tanned all over from camping, surfing, and hiking, hairs blonde from the sun's kisses. The sea of hair on his arms flow in rivers. His head hair is blonde but his facial hair is red. All of it is so entrancing. He has the best body. In his bed I just lay on top of him, following the grain of his hairs with my fingers. Reading some of his blog, I'm embarrassed to admit he uses/knows words so sophisticated that were so foreign to me they seemed made-up. His presence is indescribable.

Today I was holding back tears because I was afraid of how he'd react if I cried in front of him, but he was patient. He just looked into my eyes and held my hand while I choked out half-sentences. He's so just... perfect. He's silly which is what really gets me. He sings a lot (we have the same taste in music), and he dances around. I love it all. I'm starting to wonder what we'll disagree on. Well.. Like if we'll ever argue. He disagrees with me so.. gently. I swear he's from another planet. He doesn't seem real. Too sweet, too awesome, too perfect. There's gotta be a catch. Oh wait, the catch is I'm going to Monterey in the fall.

But I like not being exclusive. Although Patrick makes me wish that we were every single day, I like having the freedom to explore. Yeah. I think that's it. I'm happy with life.

Took a nap.

Thought the apocalypse happened and everyone bailed and left me.

(From left) Me, Andy and Robert, some good friends of mine :)

Beginning sex, I guess?

I don't know what else to call this post. I was talking to a friend about the last time I had relations with someone and that it's not a big deal for me. It hurts if everything isn't ready, but it's never been a pleasure thing for me. Yeah, it feels OKAY, but it's not as good as it could be when there's climax and resolution. Which I haven't experienced. My friend said she felt the same way until she experienced climax the first time. After that, apparently, it all changed. I don't know if this is a common phenomena but it's definitely a smidge disappointing. This is an awkward post for 10am on a Friday, I just remembered I'm supposed to be blogging every day. Today I'm gonna be doing homework. Patrick said he may borrow his roommate's car and come pick me up. I think I'm gonna ask him to take me to his place because I need his Abnormal Psychology textbook to start studying for our exam on Thursday. Yes, EXAM. Not test. I'm nervous because we haven't even had a practice test yet, we're jumping right into the first exam. I'm gonna have to make an exhaustive study guide, just in case.

My dream last night

There was this huge mansion we lived in, sort of like the Haunted Mansion. We were packing up the car getting ready to take this old lady and her family out to have a good time. A train stopped and who got off (maybe Ms. Mekis, a history teacher I had in high school, since apparently you know everyone in your dreams) pulled a gun on us. I hit the floor and tried to cover my head. She was going to take us hostage, I think. I told her I would need my period-to-go kit, since it was getting close to that time. She said okay and I sprinted to the house. When I came in, my dad was sitting on the couch, watching tv like always. I told him what was happening and he asked if he should call the police. I said no, because I knew she'd only kill all of us if he did that. I ran upstairs ans packed some stuff when he yelled up to me if he needed me to burn or save anything. (I don't know.) when I looked out the window, my mother had driven herself and my sister away from the woman, I could hear the car reving away. I wasn't scared in this dream at all. It was nothing like the one I blogged about before.

My new theory of Earth

So I was thinking about how Mars used to have water but it's all gone now. Then I was thinking about how life (photosynthetic organisms) first developed in the water because that's just how it happened. Then to adapt, they grew deep roots to hold them steady in the ground and to suck up the water. I think this happened because the Earth was once entirely covered in water.

Although the cycle of precipitation says water should recycle itself, I believe a lot of it gets lost because of the energy the processes take. So, the water cannot sustain itself forever. That's why now we have huge continents, because the water disappears over a period of time. Unfortunately, this means that sometime in the future, Earth will be a dry, barren wasteland like Mars.

Three times in one day? Lucky you!

I just feel like blogging again, it's therapeutic. I wanna talk about Patrick again, haha. I know, third post in a row he's come up in but let me finish! He's a person worth writing about. We do this thing where when we talk, we usually don't look at each other for too long because it leads to us kissing. Remember when I told you about the first time we saw each other? It's the eyes. Real, true attraction (not sexual) happens at the eyes. And I get lost in his. His eyes and his smile are enchanting. This is pretty new to me. I would think I'd be timid around him because he towers over me but his overall presence is like a flower blooming when the sun comes out. He opens up to everyone and everything, and is at peace with the cosmos. He also loves the sun more than I do (and I have one tattooed on my back). When he finds himself in the sun's rays he tilts his head back, sigh-moans and smiles. It's the most adorable thing I've ever seen. Pure happiness was never so apparent. This is what attracts me to him. He's connected with nature as I am. He is at peace with the world and more importantly with himself. Something interesting that I found is that his life line (I think) on both his palms stops after a while, as if his life is his to write, determined by no one. I found it interesting.

You might think I'm crazy. I'm blogging about someone I just met who's already made such a huge impression on me. I think that's how my mom feels too. She disapproves of how I wear my heart on my sleeve, care too much and share personal details. After I showed her a picture of Patrick, she took my phone and read our texts. She thought I shared too much with him, that he wouldn't be interested in me if I told him everything up front, but that was bot the case. Patrick is a listener, and he himself doesn't hide anything. He's great and I hope that in some way, shape or form he's always in my life. Anyway, it really hurt my feelings that she criticized me. So much so that I began to cry. (Misinforming me, remember?) she gave her opinion when I didn't want it and I felt as though she asked me to stop being myself. To be someone else until I lure him in and he has no choice but to accept me. This was definitely not how she meant it, but it's how I felt. Of course, I was so hurt I didn't tell her this. I'm still trying to work on controlling my emotions because they embarrass me.

The other day in class I criticized the material we were "learning" in my Intercultural Communications class, because from my perspective, it was one-sided and irrelevant to the chapter we are on. He began talking to us about slavery in America and how it has manifested itself into discrimination towards blacks today, then he moved on to hate crimes against those who are Jewish. I told him that it was one-sided because there are so many groups he could have talked about, but he singled out the two that we ALL learn about in high school, slavery and the holocaust, over and over is all we learn. He could've talked about discrimination towards those of Asian descent after Pearl Harbor, those of Arab descent (or who appear to be) after 9/11, how the Hmong people even today do not receive veterans' benefits (this is in our current chapter). Even if he did though, this relates to our previous chapter. I told him this, chapter one was about why intercultural communication is important. What you're talking about now represents some extreme examples of what happens when we are not able to communicate interculturally. I was so proud that I finally got up the courage to say this to him in front of the class but my voice was shaking and it sounded like I was crying or getting ready to.

My emotions were burning so hotly, plus I was nervous to speak out so openly, maybe I was going to cry. It happened before. Giving a speech in my Speech class, I became so nervous I actually cried. I've never been so embarrassed. Only a few of my friends have seen me cry because I'm pretty happy these days, just living life, getting ahead with homework and playing guitar. My emotions frequently tell me "that thing upset you!" and then leave me crying for about an hour. I understand a good cry is healthy every now and then, but I do it more often than I'd like to. When something makes me upset I want to acknowledge it, collect myself, and confront the issue when my emotions won't impair me. That will definitely take time and I'm not sure I know how to reach that goal, but I definitely want to try. I really missed blogging. It's matched by nothing; I type faster than I write so it's efficient, only a few people know I use this and fewer actually read it, so it's generally private. Although the whole reason I created this was to blog about my life, I hope someone reads this and finds it interesting or can connect with me or learn from my mistakes. Sounds a little Miss America, doesn't it?

Guess what

(That picture is from today, right now.) I'm blogging again! Two days in a row! I'll try to do this every day, since I'm always early to school. So yesterday was about the romanticness (or lack thereof) in my life, now I want to tell you about everything else! I was once again conditionally accepted to CSU Monterey Bay. I am soo frickin excited! To be on my own, to have a roommate, to have to be independent because I have no choice, haha. I feel this way because I haven't really grown up yet. Being 20 years old and having never been independent sort of makes me sad. When my mom was my age, she was living on her own, supporting herself and her child any way she could. Although I'm not planning to have kids until (at least) I have my Bachelor's degree and some sort of steady money source. And my own place. I suppose I just want to learn how to take care of myself in this world, without help from anyone.

I feel like that got off topic a bit. I'm taking three classes this quarter that require extensive reading, reminding me of the summers I should've been reading while I was playing X-Men Legends, eating cup noodles and drinking aloe juice. Well.. I can't say I regret that. Aloe juice is frickin delicious, haha.

I almost regret nothing. But I do wish I'd read more so that I could've gotten into the habit of reading extensively and reading to retain. Note to self, make future kids read books in the summer, give them treats like ice cream when they finish a book. P.S. Self, make sure kids stay active, lol. So my classes. Are amazing. Abnormal Psychology is amazing. My professor is actually a therapist (I think) so he gives us examples of when he puts into practice what we're learning. Super cool. He's a sweet guy. Psychology professors in general are always really awesome people, I think because they understand people more than most people understand people. Just me.

Um other things in my life.. I'm learning how to play Strong As An Oak by Watsky on my guitar. It's coming, slowly. I miss playing with my friend Melissa.

The last time we played guitar together, it made my day. Creating music and being social is a great feeling. The picture is her teaching me how to play "Hallelujah", you know, the one from Shrek.

Let's see. There's really nothing else to tell. We commute 5 hours a day, Monday through Thursday for me. Three hours from our house to Stanford University (morning traffic) and usually two hours from there to home. I wake up at 5am to leave at 6, which sucks. We typically get home around 7 or 8pm, and by then, I'm so tired I usually go to sleep. But it's okay! I finished my reading for this whole week last weekend, so on Sunday (which was easter and 4/20) I went to a BBQ with some stoners, it was awesome. I don't smoke, so I usually lie to people and tell them that my lungs constrict if smoke gets in them. I don't know, people act weird if you don't smoke or drink, which is me. Without smoking or drinking, though, I had a great time. We played Cards Against Humanity, smashed some eggs, played hackey sack ( I suck by the way) and we just talked a lot. Stoners are the best.

That was a lot, if anyone actually read all that, kudos to you. One last thing. At the BBQ there was this guy, not really goth but he looks like he could work at hot topic. He was super nice to me as soon as I got there, just a sweet guy. But I found out his girlfriend was sitting right next to him lol. So it was weird, but he was SUPER nice to me. He invited all of us to a party he's having on May 2nd. He touched my shoulder gently and said, rather quietly and with a smile, "you should come too." Maybe my brain made it more intimate than it actually was but I'm not so sure. However, even if he was single, Patrick is my #1 choice, and the sweet guy smokes cigarettes. There is no way I'd ever be able to be more than friends with anyone who smokes like he does. I thought I'd tell about this experience, because usually I don't connect with people who have their own microculture, but it seemed like he was comfortable enough to either break out of his culture or open it up to invite me into it. I like meeting people in general, because sometimes things like that happen. Okay, I have to go now. Hope you made it all the way down here. See you tomorrow, empty text box!

Don't worry!

I haven't lost myself :P Still me. Growing and evolving. I hope to one day have my emotions under control. Good night!

update!

I've been gone a while! Here's what you missed: my ex and I are now best friends. We were together and doing great, but then I was feeling lonely and tried to break up with him so I could get affection from somewhere. That lasted about 10 hours, then I wanted to call it off. I hated the idea at the end of the day (literally) and I wanted him back. However, then HE started feeling "indifferent" (his words) about our relationship. Those feelings lasted about a week. When they persisted, I said that it's better we break up than one of us be unsure about our relationship, because we should be in a relationship where we're happy to be together. We broke up and he currently has a wonderful girlfriend, from what I've heard. (I haven't met her.) They're actually living together, him, her and his mom.

I forced myself to handle it well. There were a few times when I cried, thinking about the songs I planned to sing to him and things like that, the breakup song that now applies to us. It was a little hard. I jumped back into the dating pool too early, and downloaded Tinder. Shut up, I'm not proud of it. I was lonely. When we broke up it'd been almost seven months since I'd been intimate with someone, in any way. I met a guy who was super sweet but not a good match for me. I began talking to other guys to try and conjure up some magical... something. Then I made myself a deal. I'm transferring to CSU Monterey Bay in the fall, and I'll be there for the next two years. I promised myself, no sex unless I'm in a relationship and no relationship until I am at CSUMB and have known the person at least six months. Well, someone named Patrick just changed all that.

I met Patrick on April 8th in our Abnormal Psychology class. He asked about my tattoo and we started talking after that. Our eyes met once and it was like lightening struck me. I've never felt attraction like that before. The only thing is, we both agreed to stay officially single. More than once. Like three times actually. I'm regretting that decision after today, April 22nd. After our last class we went down to a little garden and sat and talked. We always have the best, most random and profound conversations. I realized what attracts me to him is his presence. He's comfortable in who he is. He doesn't float through life (like people who don't take what's important seriously) but he appears to dance through life with a smile on his face. He's so warm and he makes me feel comfortable. He's unlike any person I've ever met. Here's where I'm conflicted.

I like him A LOT. He likes me too, it's obvious. And I want to be in a relationship with him, but at the same time I don't. I'll have to leave for Monterey in the fall, I'll likely be away from him in the summer, but I can't help but feel drawn to him. I don't want to throw any words out here that I might regret, but I really do like him, and I don't know how to deal with this internal conflict. I wouldn't feel as bad if he didn't say he wanted to stay single too. This means that if/when I tell him what I'm feeling, he could apologize for leading me on and suggest we discontinue our affectionate, couple-like ways. I really don't want that. He makes my day. Although there is some sexual frustration, we have a good time just enjoying each other's company and conversation. Part of me wants to keep my thoughts in my head, the other part wants to scream them out. Blogging helps, I guess, but the summersaults my stomach is doing won't let up. I know they won't until I tell Patrick what I'm feeling, but I think it's the wrong time for this. I just checked my lady calendar and my period is expected in 4 days. Maybe that's why I'm feeling this so deeply. I'm going to put this off a couple days until my hormones level out and I have a clear head. My emotions are just information, and they tend to misinform. Hope you enjoyed catching up on my life!