First day of school!

Spring semester here at CSUMB. I have class in an hour. I'm excited, actually. I have lunch packed and my work clothes in my backpack. On Mondays and Wednesdays, Stir Fry and I are gonna eat lunch together on campus.

Also, I'm not eating processed food anymore, so I eat only vegetables, fruits, breads, pastas, organic chips, legumes, you get the idea. So for snack I'll probably boil some eggs.

Lots of my friends go out to eat, so it'll be a little difficult, but I'm up for it.

I missed a call from a psychologist I met with. She was just checking on me, seeing how I'm doing. She knows everything that happened and thinks I'm grieving properly and that I'll be okay once I'm done grieving.

That reminds me of something I like about Stir Fry; he knows when to just let me talk. Once I found out about Tristan, we skyped and I just talked, for I don't know how long. Another time I asked him to just keep talking while I fall asleep so that I would fall asleep with his thoughts and not mine. He's so nice. 

Oh also, Stir Fry's mom is going out of town Th-Sun so I'm gonna stay there Thursday night to Sunday, depending on what my work schedule will be.

I think that's all the random updates I have... Oh no, my new roommate Nsharra. She's a sophomore which I didn't want, she gets really drunk which I didn't want, but I suppose compared to other 19 year-olds, I'm glad we have her. She and I share a room which is difficult, we both like to watch tv shows before we fall asleep, so we have to use headphones. But she is pretty great, she helps me clean up the kitchen, and the first night she was here, she held the dustpan while I swept. So points for her.

I FaceTimed with my parents last night, I can tell they miss me, but they really want me here, away from Cianne, away from them, focusing on me. And so I shall. My first class today is voice training and two people I know are taking the same class, so it'll be fun. I suppose I should be warming up, but I'm not done with my breakfast.

Okay, I do believe that's all the random update news I have. Overall, I'm doing well! I'll post again sometime this week.

I thought about Patrick while watching Silver Linings Playbook. I was thinking about the connection people can feel upon first looking someone in the eyes, he's the only one I've had that with and it's been mutual.

And I've decided to ask Stir Fry to be my boyfriend. He really goes out of his way to satisfy and care for me. And while I'm thankful, I also feel bad. I've done so little for him and yet he enjoys bending over backwards for me. I guess the only thing I can do is spend whatever time I have with him making him happy as well. I have big plans for Valentine's Day! I just hope I'm not working.

Oh, I'm training to be a host at Benihana on Tuesday!! Finally, employment! 

Lots of shitty things happened in the recent past. I'm just glad that life and love go on. 

I'm afraid of what life will do to a relationship.

So many things can happen. Things I never would've imagined in a million years have already happened. My nephew is gone. I thought that the love a mother has for her child could keep that relationship strong, but that's not always true.

I thought the love one person has for another could keep that relationship strong, but things like distance, abuse, jealousy, and misplaced emotions tear relationships apart.

Sometimes life gets in the way, and if that's true, what's the point of trying to date someone? I have a great time just sleeping with people and remaining friends with them, but I met someone who's again making me question what I thought I knew.

I call him Stir Fry. He's the nicest, sweetest, nerdiest, most awkward person I've ever met. And he's just great. He makes chainmail bracelets, so he understands how I feel when I crochet. Besides that, he's good company, a great listener and has the most awesome friends.

But what happens if I open my heart again? Anything could happen. Any terrible thing could befall either of us. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm afraid, and there's nothing I can do about it. But I don't wanna spend my life being afraid to love either..

I don't know.

Stir Fry and I are going to Carmel Beach for Valentine's Day, we're gonna have a bonfire and some food, it'll be a nice romantic time. I suppose if someone asked me to be their girlfriend, Stir Fry would be a definite yes, no question.

Typed on December 26th, 2014. Never posted.

Tristan, it's your Auntie Shantie. Yesterday was Christmas and you were nowhere to be found. No matter what the investigation may be, we're still hoping you're alive and that you just wandered off somewhere. We hope they find you, because you can't be gone. You still have so much to do and experience. No one should take that away from you.

Arrival

In North Carolina. It's weird being here.

I was excited to fly again and stay at an airbnb house, but we're only here because sweet little Tristan is most likely dead.

I felt guilty being excited to travel.

Sometimes I think of him and just send his spirit love. A storyteller told how he pictured himself surrounding this rude woman with pink and it changed her attitude from negative to positive.

I picture myself wrapping him in pink so that even in the afterlife he can know that I care about him. I hope he feels it.