It's not fair...

Being away from someone you care deeply about. That's how I feel being away from Tadpole. I was only attracted to Patrick because he was so good-looking, but Tadpole makes me laugh no matter what. He's just a funny person who's known some sadness in his life and has chosen to be happy. I admire that in him.

I'm planning my life out and I want Tadpole to be a part of it. He's a very good match for me, someone that I trust and that wants me for himself. It just sucks that our lives don't match up right now. We both have shitty wifi, so video chatting is sucky, and texting is nothing like talking to him face to face.

Even though I'm grieving and my sister is dealing with a mental disorder, I still find myself thinking about Tadpole. He wants to be with me and have kids and live together, without a doubt. The only problem is, it could be 3 years until I see him again. It's not a terribly long time, but I think he may be the one for me. The best one. The best friend, the lover, the life partner.

That just makes it shitty that I may not see him again for three years. But what I try to focus on is that we met at all. Despite both being born and raised in the same state, we both met each other all the way across the country, and I think we fell for each other the day we met. The more I talk to him, the more my chest hurts knowing he's so far.

Three years isn't a long time, but it'll suck. He wants me to wait to do the Peace Corps, but I can't. I can't wait to help people. I'm not cut out for the Army, the Navy, the Air Force, the Marine Corps, any of that, so I have to help people another way. I don't want to spend my life taking and never giving back to the global community. I have to focus myself on what has to be done first and then on what I can do later. I want to do the Peace Corps and then start graduate school because I want to do both and get them out of the way.

I know that Tadpole will always be there for me, no matter what. Three years from the fall, I will spare no expense to reunite us. I'll do anything in my power just to be in his presence again for as long as possible. But until then, I'll have to put up with the hurt in my chest.

This isn't to say that Stirling isn't a great boyfriend, he is. He's just not the one for me. He talked me through my nephew's murder, my sister's bipolar diagnosis and he's a great listener, but both of us know we won't last long as a couple. He hasn't found who will be his 'the one', but my heart will always be Tadpole's.

Best lyrics:

I am the sun, I am the air. I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does.

Go on

As I sat waiting in my car to deposit my check, someone walk near my car. I waited for them to leave before I got out of my car, I was scared. It was 10 PM and I was by myself. Once I walked over to deposit my check I heard a man's voice call out to me. I couldn't hear and the man looked polite enough, so I walked towards him. He asked if I knew any good place to camp out because he was homeless. I told him a place that he could camp out, but told him that there are some patrolman that sometimes go around to check parking, and that he should be careful to stay near the water in the street. He thanked me for the advice and then turned to walk away. I feel so guilty for being a for being afraid of him when he just wanted to know a safe place to camp out for the night. And it got me thinking, life is hard for a lot of people, how dare I let anything stop me from helping people. That's what I was meant to do, I always knew it. People in the world have very bad lives. I know there are some people who devote their lives to changing legislation, to activism, but I need to be the person that goes and actually helps. And nothing should get it The way of that, not even my grief. Because life goes on.

Life isn't fair

But what else is new?

My mother will never be as happy as she was when Tristan was alive. When I have my first child, we'll cry. We'll cry for happiness and we'll cry for sorrow. We'll celebrate life and acknowledge it's eventual evaporation. For what else can we do?

Here I sit in my room talking to Tristan's spirit. Telling him he is loved and never forgotten. Even in his death I send him positive energy. I tell him he is so loved. I tell him we would do anything for him. I tell him that even though he is gone, he is a part of our hearts and we will always love him.

Even though I find myself thinking, Tristan will never experience this. He'll never eat at a Benihana, I am almost glad he is gone. He would have grow up with two abusive parents that sheltered him from real love.

Months before, she asked us not to contact her and Tristan. She asked us to stop being in his life. At the time, that was too much. My mother and I cried on the phone when she told me. It wasn't fair of her to take him from us.

And now that we'll never see him again... That's too much for my soul to handle. I find myself crying, screaming. He would have turned three on February 27th. That makes me sick to my stomach. But when I go to the toilet, I can't be sick. All I can do is cough and drool, dry heave and cry.

I want to be sick. I want something to hurt so I can fix it. I want something to be physically wrong with me so that I can make it right, because I can't make my mind right. I can't stop the horrific images of what his last moments were like.

I can't stop the sorrow. I can't stop the pain and I can't stop him from being dead. I can only whisper to him. Send him all the positive energy I have. I can only remember him dancing, talking and yelling. Smiling and happy at Christmas time.

But Christmas will never be the same. Nothing will ever be the same.