LEMONGRAB

My new obsession.

MMMMMMMM PUTCHU IN MY OVEN!!!

Life

is good.

more troubles from today.

1) had to cancel scheduled rendezvous with my friend :( no Indian food for lunch.

2) work did NOT make me feel the way I wanted it to. Drama with supervisor who won't really talk to me and then will talk to me, just ugh.

3) got on instagram and saw that friend posted picture in hookah bar. Crushed my soul, because she/he knows that I use instagram religiously.

4) Kept thinking about that^ for a long time and the whole bonding stuff and was fighting back tears. Am fighting back tears now.

5) Bleh. Today, I need to cry. I don't want to, but I need to.

6) does it really matter what 6 is supposed to be?

7) I can't talk about getting a promise ring for my boyfriend. HE can talk about getting one for ME, but I can't talk about it, it's "too soon". Made me very upset.

Didn't text him for the rest of the time he was awake. Once he fell asleep I started missing him so I called him (3 times I think.)

I'm still upset.

Very upset.

I don't wanna cry, because I picked today (of all days) to wear mascara.

I just want a close friend who doesn't smoke weed, so we can have that connection. The thing is though, that means that my boyfriend and I won't have that "me and you against the world", it'll be me and my friend. What if boyfriend gets jealous? You know what. Who cares if boyfriend gets jealous. I. Need. To. Be. Able. To. Talk. To. Someone. Who. Gets. Me. Boyfriend gets me on most things, but he is also one of those "it's only once in a while" people. At that point, whether it's the truth or not, I classify it as an excuse. Ex crush said "only once in a while" and then became guilty and admitted to smoking almost every day or at least every weekend. I just bleh. it's 1:59AM. Idk if I mean what I'm saying or if I'm just upset and want an outlet to unload on.. but I feel slightly better. Slightly. I still have a good cry building up in me. Think I'm gonna try to trick it into becoming a laugh. To adventure time I go!

So... ugh.

Mkay. So like. Today was awful. I feel so left out. Still. Someone close to me has been hiding the fact that he/she smokes weed. I haven't blogged about it because I wanted to try to deal with it and be okay with it before typing about it. That didn't happen. Today, she/he posted a picture of him/herself at a hookah bar with her/his friends. It hurts me so much because I didn't know for MONTHS. For MONTHS, I was saying "Oh my goodness, this person is a perfect friend! I thought I was the only person left in the world (besides my immediate family) that doesn't smoke weed! We can relate! We're strong enough to get through life without doing that dumb stuff, pshh, who needs it? And now I feel kinda like.. ugh. My sister and I may be the only people left in the world who don't smoke anything. On the one hand, I'm proud of myself. On the other.. I feel so alone. (I'm told) people bond over doing bad things together. They become lifelong friends and develop this bonds that no one can break because they did something bad together. That means that this person will forever be bonded to her/his friends in a way that she/he will never bond with me. That may not be what bothers me. I'm just spewing now. I think what bothers me is the whole time I'm oblivious to what's going on.

I'm sitting here like an idiot thinking "oh, we have so much in common, oh, we're so alike, oh oh oh! Stupid. I think it wouldn't be so bad if it hadn't been so long. For SOOO LOOONG it has been ENGRAVED in my brain that "we are different from the idiot teenagers today. we do shit our way. we're above the influence." blah blah blah. But you know what? This may or may not have anything to do with the rest of what I said and may contradict it, but WHATEVER... They can live their lives. I'm going to live mine. Yes, I am gravely bothered and upset with it, but it's their fucking life. Now, I was PLANNING to start drinking around this person, because I trust her/him, and they can tell me when to stop and all that. But you know what? I changed my mind. I like who I am. I don't need alcohol to have fun and I don't need weed to relax. I'm not going to start drinking until I am 1) surrounded by people I trust, not random people, and 2) of legal age. I'm not one for illegal things. Like not at all. The thought of being arrested for underage drinking puts me in my place. You live your life, cuz I'm living mine! The way I choose.

life in the passed few weeks

College life is purty good. I have a job and a car AND A LICENSE :) I've been to one disappointing party so far. I really wanna go to a Halloween party. In a non-slutty costume. (Unless my boyfriend was going with me :P I'm not gonna lie, with my boyfriend around I don't mind looking a little raunchy :P number one because he likes it, and number two because that eliminates idiots trying to hit on me.) I REALLY WANNA GO TO A HALLOWEEN PARTY. I really do. But anyways, I was really upset this weekend. My boss said to me "Come on, Axanti. I expect better from you." That hurt my feelings. I can deal with people being pissed off and mad at me, but I can't deal with disappointment. I cried for a night and was sad for about two days. Le boyfriend told me not to worry, but worrying is kinda what I do... I was on skype with my supervisor (cuz we're friends.. he kinda likes me, but I'll get into that later..) and he said it's probably his fault, because before my boss said that to me, HE said "Aww Axanti, that's a noobie move." He said it as a joke. And said That my boss was kidding (a lie, to try and make me feel better). I knew it was a lie, and pointed out that my boss was dead serious and didn't even crack a smile. So that happened.

BACK TO AWKWARD SUPERVISOR LIKING ME SITUATION. First of all, I thought he was cool and wanted to hang out. That was all. THE VERY FIRST DAY WE HUNG OUT, my boyfriend came up, and I said "yes" to "Is that your boyfriend". The next time I'm texting him, I say my new iPhone 4 is amazing. To which he replies "Your amazing." (Extra points to my boyfriend for using proper grammar and spelling.) While we were on skype, I told him I had to read something for my homework and asked him to be quiet. He kept wolf whistling at me, and I kept shushing him. When I was done, he said something so inappropriate that I'm not going to post it on the interwebs with my name attached to it. Just know that he implied something completely inappropriate, and then when he was rejected, said "Just kidding. I'm your supervisor, dummy." SO inappropriate. Also, while I was at work I met this new guy; 18 years old, really funny. I tried talking to him the whole night, and my supervisor (who I'm assuming was jealous) kept making him do other things and interrupting our conversations. Smh. He's very annoying. I'm not really a horoscope person, but my horoscope says to take time away from people who are annoying me. NO PROBLEM! I started today, haha. He comments on my instagram photos because "I don't text him anymore." I WONDER WHY. Smh he needs a girlfriend. I'm so irritated with him. Like permanently irritated. He's being inappropriate with me and jealous and I don't like it. I thought we could be friends and he calls me "bffl" but I'm really just done. I need a male friend. A friend who is male. Who finds me repulsive but funny. That's all I need. Class is starting soon. Last class of the day! I better head there. Stay tuned for more awkward life stuff!

So this guy won't stop talking to me.

I don't know if it matters what he looks like, but I'll describe him anyway. He's a medium-height Asian guy with reeeally bad teeth. You know how in cartoons, the character tries to bite down on something and breaks all their teeth in half? Yeah. That shouldn't matter, but it makes it difficult to focus on his eyes when he talks. It wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so pessimistic/racist about life, I might enjoy talking to him. But I don't. The first time I talked to him, he was really racist towards Mexican specifically. He was saying how Mexicans are drunks, loud and annoying; and I told him how that's not specific to any race, it's basically every teenager alive today. He admitted it, even. Then a guy walked by with a septum piercing and cruella devil-dyed hair. He said how scary it looks and how people should have "normal" piercings. That upset me a little. I didn't say that, I said that I like when people get piercings, they're unique; and not everyone wants to be "normal". He said "yeah, that's true..." And then sat there quietly. I really need to sit in a different spot. It's hard trying to state my opinion without screaming "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" every time. It shouldn't be, but sometimes it is.

Life

life is good.