Bumpy road

So I wasn't prepared for arguing more than once a month. Now I'm waist-deep in relationship water when I've only ever stuck my toes in. It's cold, I'm freaking out, I don't know what to do.

En français!

Je vais aller écrite en français. J'aime la culture et la cuisine et je suis besoin de practique. Je ne sais pas comment de parler about things je veux parler. Aussi, I keep substituting my spanish for french. When I want to say I don't know, "No sé" pops into my head. Il y a trois mois (I almost put "hasta") jusqu'à ce je voyage a Philadelphia a visiter mon cher. Je suis besoin de sa amour.

YEAR OF THE DRAGON!

My interview went so well! At first I thought I was in trouble because my supervisor's superior asked to "talk to me". We walked for a while and I was starting to get nervous. I asked if I was in trouble or if someone else was. He was taking me to his office for my interview! Yay! He's my good friend. I felt happy that he was interviewing me. The interview went well but something is sticking in my mind. I was sitting up straight and trying not to move my arms, so I wouldn't seem nervous, and I looked him dead in the eye the whole time. What is sticking in my mind is that twice he just stared at me. For like 5 LOOOONG seconds. And I didn't break eye contact because you know, it was an interview. The second time he asked if I was okay... Maybe I was sitting up a little too straight? Maybe he thought I was poking my boobs out at him. Oh baby jesus, that's awkward. I just.. it was like.. looooong eye to eye just.. dead silence in the room. Like. Wow. Idk why but it's just stuck in my brain. Oh goodness I hope he doesn't like me. Ughhhh I hate the "sorry, I have a boyfriend" conversation. That's probably not what it was. It was an interview and I was sitting up way too straight. And I wasn't moving. And I was looking him dead in the eye. Dammit. It probably looked like I was poking my boobs out. AWKWARD. UGH. WHY DON'T I SLOUCH LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?

Year of the dragon continued?

Yesterday I got my license. Today I went to work. Tomorrow I have an interview for a promotion!! Must be the year of the dragon. I'm soooo hopeful for this promotion! Not only do I get a subtle pay increase, but I'll be working more closely with what I love: food. Going to work is not always fun evade I'm on register ALL DAY. Occasionally I need to prepare the food, but generally I'm on register. This promotion makes me a supervisor of the kitchen. That means ALL DAY I'll be cooking and cleaning. Sounds crazy but I love to cook and prepare food! Slicing cilantro, preparing lime, it's all so exciting! I don't know if I'll be able to sleep well tonight! Thoughts of the interview are settled in my mind. (I like the picture. I took it today. I know it has nothing to do with anything.)

weird. like pickles and cheese on a pb&j.

Ignore the picture, it's 11:24pm and soo many thoughts are running through my head. I typed in weird food and picked what didn't make me itch. let's start with me going to bonfare to buy sunflower seeds and my favorite guy being there. Thai, my buddy. He's been working there ever since we moved to California. today when I walked up and said my awkward

"What's uuuuuup?" He replied with

"Hey, beautiful." Deja vu. I tried to change the subject reeeeally fast and said:

"You're looking beautiful today yourself!" Awkward.

"Handsome," he corrected me.

"Handsome, sorry," I said with a nervous laugh.

Why do I get so awkward when people compliment me?

My sister and I left and said nothing about him calling me beautiful, or ignoring her altogether.

One thing that BOGGLES THE SHIT OUT OF MY MIND is that I looked like crap today. I did it on purpose as a strategy to help me do better on my driving test (yay), and just didn't feel like getting pretty. I'm talking white heads all over my face, dreads still fuzzy cuz I haven't twisted them in like... a while. I don't even know how long it's been. Regular t-shirt, not low-cut, and shorts that just graze my knees. With flip flops. And ashy feet. Like. Part of me is wondering what people see when they look at me. The other part is hoping that he was just flirting to try to get me to buy stuff. I like that idea. I get weird when I find out people are interested in me. Ugh it's 11:33. I really need to sleep. I don't even remember why I started typing this. Oh, because this is the second time this year that someone has said to me, out of the blue (that isn't my boyfriend) "Hey, beautiful." I expected to hear that only once per decade. Must be Year of the Dragon mojo! Hope this mojo sticks around December 14th to the 21st, because I could use it! Goin back to Philly, Philly, Philly. Yeah that was lame. I'm gonna sleep now I think.

Year of the Dragon, maybe?

I have a lot to type. This morning I woke up at 5:40. I was so nervous about my test that I stupidly drank coffee. To stay awake. That's what my brain was telling me. "Drink some coffee so you'll stay awake." The drive to the San Francisco DMV was long and stressful. I was a nervous reck! My mom made me start stress breathing. Quick exhales through my teeth and then a loooooong exhale. I had to take deep breaths for a looooong time. And then they weren't that deep. My mom made me do 10 jumping jacks before I pulled my car around to the testing area. Then she made me get out and jump around while I was waiting for my instructor. Then she told me to sit with my eyes closed and just breathe. It seemed like I couldn't breathe, or even find a normal breathing rhythm.

There was an old man next to me taking his motorcycle test on a scooter. He said (to someone else) he'd taken it before and failed. The man he was talking to wished him good luck and then said the same to me. (Apparently, to a lot of people, I'm "young lady".) So my instructor came and tested all of the little things of my car. Turn signals, hazards, emergency brake, all of it. Then I was asked (just as before) to back up in a straight line. Then we were off! He told me to make a right. I accidentally got into the left turn lane, so I had to wait in-between lanes until the green light. I made lots of lefts and rights. Then towards the end, he made me do left turn after left turn after left turn, and I wondered why. About the third left turn, I began to wonder: Am I doing it correctly? I made sure to look both ways and all that junk. We pulled back into the DMV parking lot and I made a risky move: I parked between two cars. Yeep! I made 14 minor errors total. Two more and I wouldn't have passed! I guess It's just the year of the dragon! I graduated, took summer classes, got with the love of my life, and became a licensed driver in the state of California. Year of the Dragon.

I like how she made herself comfortable like I'm not even here

I'm freaking out a little bit.

Behind the wheel test is FRIDAY. Work sat and sun. I START COLLEGE ON MONDAY!! I NEED MY LICENSE! Without it, I have a 4 hour total travel time from my house to school. I NEEEEEED MY LICENSE! If I don't get it, I have MONTHS to wait to do the six hour driving again! I'm nervous! Like oh my goodness! I don't want to fail! I'm trying to be confident, but I need to publicly freak out first, so here goes: iFAO;IENCRALIN;ASIJFN'ASDJFA;OUFYABUVFYA;IGNAVLDSKGNADLSJFH ASFGALIUYAWOIVNECU;AIODNFLASUDBGAYDSGFABCLUEFBA;OIDFC;ANIULAIUEWCLNIUARYTBLACIUEYFBO;SRIGNS;NORIGDIORGUN;AVOINGU;VAOFYB. That's enough freaking out. Time for meditation. Om. . . I am a safe driver. Om. . . I need to be confident. Om. . . I found this website that made me really happy! It says

"Lane changes – both left and right lane changes

Turns – both left and right turns

Pull over to the curb side and then do a straight line backup

Pull into a parking space when returning to the DMV parking lot"

are what they ask you to do in the test! I GOT THIS!!!!!!! CONFIDENCE BOOST.

DISAPPOINTING.

I went to a party on Friday night. It was reeeally not my thing. First of all, people were drinking. Since I'm not 21 yet, I don't wanna get arrested. I wouldn't mind that so much if people weren't trying to get me to drink. It was uncomfortable. THEN, people came in that nobody knew and started rolling the weed things. Even more uncomfortable. THEN someone walked in and asked "who's 18 in here?" EVEN MORE UNCOMFORTABLE. Parties in my mind should people a bunch of people dancing like idiots and having fun. Apparently, after about 2005, that idea died out. "Parties" are now an excuse to drink and have sex. Which sucks, because I do neither; another thing that makes me wish my boyfriend was here with me. I'd LOVE to bring him to a party. He's the kind of protective type that I like. Not the kind that would speak for me or tell me I'm not allowed to do something, the kind that would introduce himself as my boyfriend to everyone in the room :) gotta love him. SO I left the party early. I stayed for about an hour, had a few good laughs and then left. Everyone said I looked sad, sitting in a corner by myself. Well, I was playing defensive. Plus I was wearing a tight dress and high wedges (the whole reason I went to the party, to play dress up), so I didn't wanna get up and walk passed people. They might think I was showing off.

Which I was not! I also made sure that Darrin kept texting me the whole time. Just in case anyone asked, "It's my boyfriend." Someone did say "probably texting your man, huh?" "YUP!" I said, trying not to smile. No one talked to me after that HAHA. All of the men in the room were obviously single and looking for a one night stand, which I don't do. Oh, if only Darrin were there. That would have been a fun party!

SKEWING INTO RANDOM OTHER THING>>> I was talking with my friend and now supervisor. He asked me about Darrin and he asked if we "had fun before I left" for California. I laughed and asked what he meant by "have fun" it sounded dirty. He said that in California, "having fun" means "having sex". Haha, who knew, right? Everyone but me, I guess. I said nooo, I don't do that. He asked why not, was I Christian or Catholic? Haha, I haven't gotten that question before. I told him how I don't have a religion, but it just didn't happen yet. If it'd happened with any of my ex's it would have been a HUGE regret. No matter which of them it would have been. That's another reason that I like Darrin. He hasn't either, so it's no pressure. He's fine with waiting a year or more until I'm SUUUUURE sure. Which I lovedy love love. Haha, who would've known that two kids who hardly spoke to each other when they met would end up so close as young adults? Not me. I'm not gonna question the system, I'm just glad that I'm winning this love game. By a lot.

Adolescent heart break? Teenage mending.

I got my 11" MacBook Air yesterday! It is amazingly small and sleek, shiny, has that new computer smell :) I can't thank my parents enough. The other laptop we have is old and breaking. Kinda sucks for my little sister, but I told her she can use my computer when she needs to.

NEW DEVELOPMENTS>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

TODAY. ON FACEBOOK. The inner child of me died, then revived, then had a heart attack. Anyone who read my diary from 3rd to about 5th grade knows that for the longest time, I thought I was in love with Nathaniel Vahedi. Key word is THOUGHT. Looking back, I have no idea why. He was the only kid that ever really bullied me my whole life. I began to cry at a concert one day when he slapped me across the face after I made a joke about him. Fighting to keep the tears away, I threatened to tell his mother (because she kept him in line). I don't remember why, but I didn't. I just cried. Back at the school we went to, one day his friends followed me and mine and just bothered us. I remember Nathaniel swung me around and let me go abruptly, I fell against a wall and scraped my arm. The next day he asked my friend to ask me if I was okay. (AWESOME BADASS 3RD GRADE MOMENT COMING UP.) I said "If he wants to see my arm he can ask me himself."

DAYUM I used to be a badass!

The awkward thing about Nathaniel is that I would see him over and over again. He is a violin player, far more advanced than I, and we both had the same teacher -__- At a concert, (I hadn't seen him in maybe a year) we talked to his mom. Ms. Mary. I love her, she was always so nice to me. When he walked by, she said "Nathaniel, come say hi to the girls!" He shook his head and walked between his mother and I, not looking at me. Ouch. What had I done to make him behave like that?? At that same concert there was free food (awesome), so I ate a lot and then had to throw it away. For some reason he was standing by the trash can? I didn't notice. When I sat back down, my sisters both laughed and said he stared at me the whole time I was standing. I looked at him but of course he showed no interest in me.

I think about another year later, we were at a concert for my teacher Mr. Casmir's nephew. After the concert, again, free food! Awesome! I gorged myself and then noticed someone standing against a pillar, isolated from everyone. You guessed it. Nathaniel again. Neither one of us talked to the other, and we both pretended not to see the other. That was really awkward.

Now this all happened while I was 8 to about 11. It's one of those heart-wrenching memories you can't forget. What triggered all of this was my friend, Milan. She tagged him in a picture I posted from third grade, and then he added me on Facebook. (That's Nathaniel in the yellow jacket.) Seeing his name almost broke my heart. That's the guy that slapped me across the face, threw me against a wall and pretended (on more than one occasion) that I didn't exist. I stared at the friend request for a while before I accepted it. The past is passed, right? Was I really going to ignore his friend request just because he was a jerk to me 9 years ago? Nah, I decided not. Even though he hurt me, BADLY, someone else from third grade (my boyfriend) mended my broken heart, more than once. It kinda sucks that for about 3 or so years I was obsessed with "Nate" when the perfect, sweetest, smartest, cutest guy in the world was staring me in the face. As far as childhood heartbreaks go, Nathaniel is number one with a bullet, but as far as people-I-want-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-even-if-we-don't-get-married-because-I-just-love-having-you-in-my-life go, Darrin is always number 1, and he always will be.

The tall gentleman wearing black in the middle is my boyfriend :)

I feel better!

I've been working on these illustrations for my aunt's (friend?'s) book for about two months now. And I'm starting to feel less useless in the world, because something my grandmother said hit me. "People are gonna pick up that book in 20 years and wonder who you were." That touched me because really, all I want out of life is to be remembered for SOMETHING. In addition to having a family and staying in touch with my parents and grandparents, having a successful job, I want to be known for more than what people say at my eulogy. I want to make an imprint on this world for the short time I'm here. I want to do something that matters so that I can say "I did that all by myself, every step of the way. I accomplished something."

God

I don't like the idea of someone having to GIVE me or bless me with something. Like "We're waiting for the lord to bless us with a car." Why do you have to wait for GOD to get a car? Why don't YOU save money for a car? Doesn't make sense to me. And when someone's sick, they say "God, please use your healing powers to make him/her better because we know you can, almighty God!" but when the person dies, "It was God's will to take him/her beyond this world of pain." the way I see it, believe what you want, whatever helps you get through the bad times, stick to it; but here are some problems I have.

1) the Bible says we are
Born sinners, right? We are born lying, stealing, cheating, but the Bible was written by men, so how do we know it's not a lie?

2) Christians always take it too far. Like WAY too far. My friends' (yes, more than one) crazy moms would ground their children forever for being at my house because my parents aren't Christians, but Buddhists. Does it really matter what religion someone claims if they have a pure heart and the best intentions?

3) People interpret the Bible wrongfully and choose passages to spew to people just to put them in the right. I'm pretty sure that it says in the Bible something like "God loves all of his children," and that he knows everything about us since before we are born. Meaning God loves heterosexuals, homosexuals, light people, dark people, short and tall. Who's idea was it that God must not like things that we don't just because they're different?

Alot of people aren't going to like what I say, but they're just my thoughts.

I guess right about now you're wondering what religion I am and assuming that I'm an Atheist. Well, I'm not. The closest religion that I identify with is Buddhism. It suggests that one can better one's own life. Be that as it may, I identify as Undecided. Why divide ourselves from each other? We are one tiny speck in the universe, and in my opinion should concentrate on other things; like saving the planet that we are so slowly murdering.

Democrats

Love the ideals. Bill Clinton supporting Barrack Obama is one of the coolest things I've ever seen. He is a great Motivational speaker, and I agree with a lot of democratic ideals. Listening to Bill Clinton speak about the kind of future possible with Obama filled me with hope. Now, I'm not framing pictures of them and lighting candles, but right now, I am sure that I am a Democrat. It's a nice feeling, kind of a sense of identity.

Pictures from today. So peaceful.

Phase 2? Real relationship

My boyfriend and I have been arguing lately, which I find exciting. This is a real relationship, ya know? Two people learning about each other and trying to explain things to each other in a way the partner can understand. It's just so fascinating! All of my past relationships have stayed in that first lovey dovey phase for the duration of the relationship. To the point where I would get bored. I never told anyone the real reason that I broke up with my boyfriend in 6th grade, but I was just bored. He was the sweetest guy ever and he bored me to death! Flowers from his aunt's garden, holding hands when we walked: all the cute stuff, but NEVER any arguing! It wasn't real. This, with my boyfriend is real. We REALLY irritate each other sometimes, and my parents' 20 years of marriage tells me that irritation is an okay thing. If nothing else, it forces one to learn to be patient and understanding. And those are two very important character flaws that I will own up to. It's nice being with someone who thinks differently than I do. He's not always tranquil enough to explain things to me in a way I understand, but just the knowledge that what we have is real and that we're both committed and loyal to each other just makes my heart soar.

I love him. How can someone be mature and yet be as sweet as a 3rd grader with a crush? He says things like "I don't know how your hair works, but I like it. It looks good on you," and "you look pretty," when I'm wearing something he likes. He notices when i put on a different necklace, change my nail polish, put on eyeliner! In a word, he's awesome.

Neighbors are... Special

Our next door neighbor has a one car garage and parks two cars in front of his house. Which, by the way, is crossing the line. One day, he came over and asked my dad to move his car because "He had no room to get out," when actually he had plenty of room. His daughter(s) are driving now, and bloke every naive parent, he points the blame away from his household. He mentioned to my dad (in passing, like a douche) that his car has a crack on the bumper, and said something like 'your kids are driving now right?' to imply that it was one of us. That's rude because first of all, his daughters are driving too. The way he said it make it seem like we're less careful than they are. It's rude second of all because there are no "cracks" on any of the three cars that we fit (PERFECTLY, I might add) into our two car garage. It's just really irritating that he would try to make my parents pay for his daughters' accident.

Eureka..

O was so nice to me because today is his last day. I was talking to my friend Lex (who's also leaving), and she said he'd been nice to her as well! He even caught her drinking soda and said "It's okay." that has NEVER happened in the history of O. I feel kind of bittersweet about yesterday now. He didn't REALLY think I was doing a good job, did he? I don't know, maybe he did. I can't see inside his brain, but I feel weird now.

In other news, I am absolutely ecstatic for the month of December. I'm finally going to see my boyfriend! It's been 9 years since we've seen each other in person and 6 months since we've been a couple. I don't even KNOW how to prepare for seeing my boyfriend for the first time! He's gonna pick me up from the airport and take me to my friend's house (where I'm staying). So that means I need to carry a mirror with me. Maybe makeup. No makeup. Well maybe eyeliner? I'll have already been asleep, and I don't want him to see my "I just woke up" face. As I type this, I'm imagining walking to the car with him, that awkward/cute silence, driving around with him, ugh. I'm torturing myself. And I have 10 minutes left until my lunch is over.

I have another blog, tumblr. I don't use it much except to send gooey notes to my friends :) if you wanna read that, I guess you could check it out.

I just thought of something. What if I'm SO nervous that I bite the nails I've been working so hard on? :/ don't stress, don't stress, don't stress, aaaaaaaaah!!!! :/

Amazing!!

Work. Work work work. There were two supervisors that everyone said were mean and hated every body. The first was DA. She's so sweet to me, always! Because from day 1, I've always given her a smile and a "hello". The second one is O. Apparently EEEEVERYONE hates him. He is actually the reason for this blog. Today for the first time ever, O said "Thank you!" TO ME! I was as shocked as can be. When I was about to leave he said "good work". I was soo surprised, I barely said thank you in time for him to hear! That really just made my day. Even though I had to work two hours of overtime, it was worth it :)