Tristan

The little reindeer

Annoying. Eternally annoying.

This holiday was... Special. In more ways than one. My half sister is exactly as annoying as I remember. When my mom kicked her out to live with her father, she told me that time apart could renew our relationship. I have to disagree. In the spirit of the holiday season, I tried not to snap on her, but she is one controlling bitch. The first annoying thing she said to me was "Axanti, don't drink all the apple juice. Save some for Tristan!" (Tristan is my nephew.) first of all, she didn't buy the juice. Second of all, there was also grapefruit and orange juice in the fridge, so she had no reason to be so concerned over something so insignificant. Then she pulled out random things from the past, like how I cursed out her and her ex (after she sent us this disturbing email about how her whole life's problems were my mom's fault, how she was going down "a lesbian spiral", had fantasies of being raped? and other things like this. She sent this not only to my younger sister and father, but also cousins she hasn't spoken to in years, that are younger than I am.) She also is controlling of her boyfriend. She orders him around all the time and makes him get her things and make her food. She doesn't even call him pet names. I've never seen them hug or even hold hands. It's so weird. How can you make a child with someone who you can barely stand being around? I finally snapped on her in San Francisco. My mom called me and said what I thought was "we're in Joe's Crab Shack". We started walking that way, and I got lost. I used my google maps to find Joe's, and there goes my half sister, "Why didn't you text her? Which way are we going? You should've texted her." Blah blah blah. Finally, I said "Well it's done now, isn't it? So let it go." That shut her up for the next couple minutes. My face must've been red. My Uncle could tell, he put his arm on my shoulder for a second while we walked. Idk what it is about my half sister, but she always wants to prove that she's an adult. She tries to do this by ordering my sister and I around, she's 5 years older than me. She forgets that we've grown and matured since she saw us last. I am a legal adult and my sister is on her way there. I'm so glad she's gone, honestly. She graduated high school at age 15 and did nothing except got an AA. That makes me really mad. What's worse is that she said "you don't need to go go school to do well. Look at where I am!" Keep in mind, she can barely pay her bills or provide for her child; she also drops these stupid subtle hints for my parents, hoping they'll give her money. The last night she was here we watched a movie and she had a comment for everything that happened. She doesn't understand how uncomfortable she makes people and how annoying she is. But at last, she is gone. I am enjoying the peace and quiet.

3:31am Christmas Morning

Everyone who should be is here. My half sister, her boyfriend, my nephew and my Uncle are here for the Holidays :) My nephew is the cutest little thing ever besides my boyfriend. Speaking of the love of my life, my heart breaks sleeping alone now. I so enjoy his warm body on mine at night. He HAS to be the cutest boyfriend ever. He didn't tell me until after I was back in Cali, but he kisses me while I'm asleep! How fucking cute is that? UGH I CAN'T GET OVER HOW FUCKING CUTE THAT IS. FUCK. He's so cute. I have never felt so lucky in my life. To be with someone who is honest with me and loves me despite my complicated brain feels amazing. Is this love that I'm feelin'?

That's my half sister and nephew <3

I forget how kind people are.

In the Airport, I met some of the nicest people! Firstly was a mature woman with a seemingly Jamaican accent. Having cried my eyes out and missed my flight, I needed some human interaction. We started talking about her family and then got onto me.. I broke down crying right in front of her. "Yeah," she said, "you're exhausted. You need sleep, you need sleep." My phone was losing battery and I needed to charge it, but I'd left mine at my grandma's house. She made me ask the couple next to me for a link to charge my phone through my computer. When they have it to me, she said that people are nicer than I'd think. She said that next time I'm late for a flight to go to the front of the line and ask to go first, and show them my boarding pass, that she'd done it before when late for a flight. That helped for a while. On my final flight to San Jose, I met the nicest two people. One was Madison, a Caucasian junior in college who is obsessed with the TV show Psych; she wears a Pineapple around her chest. The Second was a middle-aged Caucasian man (I believe his name is Jeff) who flies all too often. He told us that he usually leaves for flights at 4am and comes back at 11pm. We talked for a long time about whatever came to mind, throughout the whole hour and 20min flight. Madison told us how fortunate she was to be attending the best college in the world and Jeff showed us pictures of his family and told us about his vacation in France. Afterwards, we three walked to baggage claim together. Jeff asked if we both had rides to where we were going. At that moment I saw him as a father figure, mentor, and kind friend. I never thought I'd meet someone so sweet at an airport on a day that was (previously) close to the worst day of my life. My faith in humanity has been restored one again.

My heart hurts.

Darrin told me he's gonna cry when I leave. Then I started thinking about when I have to leave. I'm gonna cry too. On the plane ride back. I'm tearing up right now, just typing this. I'm gonna have to let him go. He won't be able to pick me up and take me to his grandma's house. I won't wake up to him watching me, smiling. We can't eat together.. I'm starting to cry. I love him so much and my heart is gonna break when I leave. This is so evil. I have to come back. For Spring break. And then again over summer. Ugh, I'm so sad now. I'm gonna spend every penny I have on visiting him. And staying at his house. I hate not sleeping with him at night.

Today is The Day!

Anyone in a long distance relationship knows what The Day is. It's the first time you see each other in person. It's your time to 'wow' them for the first time. I am scared shitless. It's 1:21am and I cannot sleep. I have everything packed, outfit for tomorrow ready, everything. I bought some shoes today; I'm gonna wear them tomorrow. I'm so excited! He got his hair cut for me :) I love his hair freshly cut :) he knows. He's amazing. I can't wait!!!! My mom said something that made me understand our relationship a little more. Darrin and I were having talks about whether or not we're good together. That was days ago. Yesterday, my mom said that, judging from the pictures from 3rd grade, I was probably hyper and bouncing around and incapable of sitting still. He, on the other hand, probably would've said "Mrs. Clemons? Axanti won't sit still, I can't concentrate." Made me realize, we're opposites. I'm Red, Yellow and Blue, and he's Burgundy, Mustard and Black. (Symbolic meaning behind the colors.) I am crazy and hyper, I can't sit still! He's calm, cool and collected. He barely moves. I enjoy weird, awkward humor. He enjoys wordplay humor. I hate technology, he's majoring in Computer Science. Kind of weird. On paper, doesn't seem like we'd be compatible; but when we first started talking, he demonstrated how considerate he was. He was also very good at flirting. I would LOVE to read through our text messages from the week and two days before we got together. I have no idea what we talked about but I'd love to read it. It's 1:34am and I am still awake. I have one eye closed while trying this. I guess it's an improvement from being wide awake, nervously playing games. I should try to sleep.

Finals and then vacation!

Film and television is such an easy class, but because of my procrastination, I may end up with my first C :( I'm hoping for a B- so badly. I just need it to say not a C or D. Ermahgherd. Today was my day off, yesterday was my first final, for film and television. I hope to Athena that went well. On Thursday December 13th (Happy Birthday, Cianne) I need to watch two movies and then write an extra credit paper. Buddha knows I need the extra credit. Tomorrow, Wednesday are my last two finals for French and Cultural Anthropology. French will be fiiiiine. I'm great at french, language just comes to me naturally. I suppose I owe that to my parents teaching me spanish early on. Cultural Anthropology is up for grabs. I'm familiar with all of the concepts, it's just that my professor tends to ask extremely specific questions from examples she mentions matter-of-factly.

I've been trying to keep calm and focus on finals, but I'm also flying to Philadelphia on Friday at 1:40pm. I'm just really nervous. When you're in a long distance relationship, you wish all the time to be with your other half, and then when the time comes that you can finally see this person, you're scared shitless. Well, I'm scared shitless. Especially since I'm gonna be staying at his house. I'm shitting myself about what to wear, when to wear it, if he'll like it, and even more. My friend from high school, Steven, has been an angel through my stupid girl stuff. He handles my period better than my boyfriend! My boyfriend will say "ew" and that he doesn't wanna hear about it and stuff. Steven is so awesome. He says things like "Godspeed to you" when I'm on my period, and he's so chipper about everything :) I feel bad, I text my fingers off about my life, and I don't ask about him enough. I need to get him something awesome for christmas. I'm short on money, too. My job starts back up in February :/ I owe him big time. Need to sleep, it's 10pm. 10:42.

I don't understand.

Kids in this generation are obsessed with being gangsters and "bad bitches". I don't understand it. Boys who sag their pants and walk like they only have one leg; girls who display their bodies for the world and are supposed to to be rude to everyone. I don't understand how that's attractive! I just don't get it. I happen to be attracted to people who dress nicely and are polite. I'm not suggesting that I don't associate with people my age, only that they are the absolute last consideration when it comes to dating.

Lunapads! ❤ (Women only)

Just in case any of you women are considering them, I thought I'd give my review of them. Number one, they are awesome. You know how with pads, they crinkle like a plastic bad when you walk? All of that is eliminated!! They're quiet and function exactly like pads. The only difference is that these are fabric. That means, yes, you have to wash them. Some women put them in the washing/drying machine-- I advise against this. Once you put them in the washer and dryer, they act as lint traps, and I don't think on top of menstruating you want lint down there too. My mother has a recipe to get them clean: 3 TBSP Baking Soda and 3 TBSP Peroxide. Supposedly it gets them clean with no staining, but I've experienced some staining at the stage one would use pantyliners.

there is a problem with going outside of the house on a heavy flow. You will need to change it or double up at least once. What I do is try to find a private bathroom with a sink, rinse the used lunapad as thoroughly as possible and wring it dry. I keep a plastic bag for the newly-rinsed ones. Another problem is that these take a LONG time to dry. I wish I'd ordered more of the bigger ones, because the small ones just don't cut it unless I'm spotting. They do, however save a TON of money, I'm so glad I switched to Lunapads! I recommend it to all tree-huggers and all women looking to save A CRAPLOAD of money for the next few decades.

Life's getting easier for me, harder for my parents

My parents bought an appt. for my sister and I. The cat is really enjoying it, apparently. But it's $1500/mo plus wifi and utilities. And trash. They have to pay for our TRASH. Makes no sense. It's a small place, but my mom has been helping liven it up. She went grocery shopping and filled up our refrigerator and even put gas in my car. Filled it up! I HATE putting gas into my car because it clicks (like it should when the tank is full) unless you fill it as slowly as possible. Gotta love my mom. Since I'm in the city I was before we moved, so I carpool with a girl I went to high school with. I'm so lucky to have the hardworking parents that I do. They do so much for me, I don't think I thank them enough. I guess this can be considered a public "thank you".

One of many break-up stories in my life

So we were being typical bad Christian kids, skipping service, playing with stuff. my clumsy ass fell and this guy, A, caught me. how cute was that? he seemed so nice. I liked A, we got together. One day my ex was texting me and I asked A to get him to leave me alone. He accused me of cheating on him. We argued back and forth and I texted I hated him. He called me and said he hated me too. I told him I didn't mean it and asked if we could talk. Then he called me a liar. Then he told me he had two girlfriends and was working on the third and that they were gonna have a threesome. It was probably a lie, because no one wanted to date him but me, but it hurt my feelings anyway. Then S. Dinkley (who is a bitch, by the way) became best friends with him and they started hanging out. She told me one day that he stood her up and I said I wasn't surprised. I told her everything I just told you ^ and she agreed with me that he's messed up. And then my friend Aaron texts me and says I should look at S's Facebook page. A wrote on her Facebook wall saying that he never liked me and he doesn't want my "stank ass monkey" whatever the hell that means, and then he said some really mean stuff in like 3 long posts (fb has a 1,000 character limit). Then to make it worse, S commented on it and said "Haha, I hope she leaves you alone." Like wow what a two-faced bitch. It's always nice to lose a friend AND. A boyfriend.

I really love lemongrab

Apparently I lied by accident?

A conversation came up that apparently we'd had before and when I answered 4, this person accused me of lying and said that before, I'd answered 1. How does this work if I have absolutely no memory of the conversation or the initial question? And now I'm trying to remember: did I really lie; or did I just throw a random number into the open because I wasn't paying attention? I don't know. That's weird though. How could I lie and not remember doing it?

I'm not "African American". I'm black.

People are still afraid to say black and white. They think it's wrong. I say call us what we are! African American means you lived in Africa and came to America. I don't know anything about African culture. Not a thing. Another black friend of mine who calls herself "African American" got upset when a mutual friend asked if soul food is food from Africa. She looked at me, expecting me to be as angry as she was. It didn't. The way I see it, call yourself what you are. At least the passed 4 generations of my family have been born and raised in Pennsylvania. We stopped being African American a LONG time ago, when our rituals, religion, language and general culture were forced away. So I'm not African American. I'll say it loud; I'm black and I'm proud!

Update!

So the strange "Axanti I love you" situation. Ummmm my friend hit me with all of these Johnny Depp quotes. One said 'if you're in love with two people, choose the second one; because if you really loved the first one you wouldn't have fallen for the second one.' That was mean, because I felt really bad. Looking back, I see that this was the only thing that made me feel so strange. Sympathy. But Darrin made a good point, that he knew from the beginning of our friendship that I was taken, so yeah. I got over it, which is good. I cried for a long time and I felt awful. That brings me to my next thing; my old friend has returned to me! I called him crying one night and now we text everyday! I'm in a new house and only 1 week and 6 days until I see my boyfriend. Life is great!

I should blog a lot more.

I'm better on the page than in person. When I try talking to people I always sound less intelligent than I am. If I said that in person I probably would've said "smart" instead of intelligent. I think it's the whole being-in-the-spotlight thing, it makes me lose words. I hate it, because some of my friends are extremely intelligent and it's intimidating wanting people to see how intelligent you really are.