I've decided

Being in a romantic relationship is no good for me. I fall too hard and fast.

Plus, I treat myself really well. I exercise, I love myself the way I am, I feed myself a lot, and I take myself out.

My plan now is to just buy a dildo and shut the hell up. I always fall for people who don't want to date anyone. Well, don't want to date me.

Why push it? People aren't interested in being with me, and I can accept that. There are other things that are a much better use of my energy.

Colleges have great events!

It's Homecoming Week here at CSUMB! There will be sugar skull tutorials, a bonfire, a dance, a carnival, and a celebrity speaker! I'm super excited.

My friends, though, are butts. They're going home this weekend or "don't do" those kind of events. Laaame. I really want a date to the homecoming dance, but I'm going regardless. I stopped only going out with people a long time ago, haha.

Today I get to paint on the mural on campus! And the guy in charge was nice enough to leave the section I was working on blank. I get to contribute! Yaaay. Great experience and great for artistic résumés.

Life is pretty great.

This weekend has been amazing

Friday
I had no class. I went to my business professor's office hour to ask for help, then to open studio to butcher this painting of my grandma for Día de los Muertos. At 5:15 I was at the library waiting for Alejandro to take me to Open Mic Night, which was amazing. We had lots of performers, original songs, raps and spoken words. My co-host was this really cute guy named Alejandro. After that, we went to salsa night at our on-campus club type thing. That was awesome, there were professional dancers teaching moves, I found a guy from my class whom I danced with for a while. Then After that I followed him to my friend's house who's also in the same class. We were supposed to watch a movie, but we stayed up and watched funny youtube videos and talked for hours. I went to sleep at about 4:50am and when I woke up at around 9 I took the bus home.

Saturday
I mostly slept, I went to the store and bought cheese and milk for macaroni and cheese. The bus stopped running by the time I got there, so my new neighbors had to pick me up. That night we went to this October Feast our court was having.

Today
I woke up early and biked with Janee to the beach for her class assignment. After that, I biked to our on-campus library to do homework with Alejandro. We both got a lot done. I started to get the impression that he's like Pablo, My sister's ex-boyfriend. He flirted with every girl he met and slept with a lot of them. I don't think Alejandro's the type to sleep around, but he definitely seems flirty. He's on his phone a lot, which to me says he's texting girls. At the end of our homework session, another girl came in and he was going somewhere with her. I was uncomfortable, so I left. I invited both of them over, though, to play Cards Against Humanity, but they didn't show.

Still, I hung out with McKenzi (the girl whose house I slept over) and Victor (the guy from my class whom I danced with) and other art students. We talked about penises and vaginas, sex, dry spells, life, childbirth and I don't even remember what else. I know now, though, that I have new friends! And we're going to have a sleepover at my place next time (and actually watch a scary movie like we were supposed to). This weekend was awesome! I hope to have more like it.

Love is an airborne disease. Once it escapes my lips people go running.

They run and they don't look back

until they are lonely.

When they have nowhere else to turn

they come back as a last resort.

Love is a mystery

The people we think love each other

divorce

fight

punch

rape

abuse each other in the name of love.

So how do I know what it is

really?

How do I know when it's real?

Every time so far I've been wrong.

Been left empty, wet

with tears,

crumpled.

It happened so many

times that I begin to wonder if it's my fault.

what's wrong with me?

what did I do?

am I not right?

It wasn't me. It was you.

You made me feel special.

You made me feel like you really

loved me.

Like the fire between us

would burn

forever.

But while you pretended to

tend and kindle the fire,

you were really putting it out.

You were lighting other fires

tending them

comforting them

making sure they didn't go out.

Once "love" escapes my lips, people go running.

And they don't come back.

And though I know it's not true

I blame myself.

For believing in love in the first place.

Cute songs you should listen to:

Michael Bublé - Everything

Amos Lee - Sweet Pea

L-O-V-E - Nat King Cole

Lucky - Jason Mraz

The Way You Look Tonight - Maroon 5

And the love just keeps coming!

People today are just showering me in love and affection! Right when I need it. Today is amazing. 

I am ridiculously happy right now

Between talking to my mom and sister for 30min, my lady love being there for me and Tadpole being sympathetic to my day, I'm feeling pretty great right now.

In my class we had excellent discussions and I felt great having my opinions validated by my professor and my peers.

I was and am listening to Watsky, so I feel pretty great!

What was I sad for? I have great people in my life.

Great things are happening this week!

That was sarcasm. In addition to Patrick basically saying we don't have a future together, Darrin sent me text messages this morning saying we can't be best friends anymore. You remember Darrin. We dated for two years and then broke up and became friends? He's in a lot of my early posts.

He said talking to me is getting in the way of his relationship with Bree, and so "at least for now" we can't be friends. I'm understandably feeling quite shitty right now and haven't let myself cry yet, even though. I really want to between yesterday's and today's news.

Part of me doesn't want to be emotional about this. Part of me wants to say fuck them and move on with my life. That might be exactly what I try to do.

Once in high school, I broke up with my boyfriend and lost my best friends at the time. It feels just like that. I always seem to choose people that don't stick around, I wonder why. I have a lot to do today, so I think I'll have a good cry tonight, and tomorrow get all my shit done for the weekend.

I'm not gonna just be sad all weekend. If I finish all my homework by Sunday, I might take a trip somewhere, maybe Monterey. Maybe the aquarium! I haven't been yet.

I don't want this to get in the way of... Well anything really. Friends don't stay put, I should learn to accept that. And lovers/boyfriends/weird hybrids are even flakier.

I have other things on my mind. Like the orange Amineko I'm making and the wood circle and canvases I got from Dio, my Mixed Media professor. I should get these feelings onto a canvas.

I'm gonna try.

Impermanence

An important concept.

Nothing is forever.

Everything will crumble.

In wet tears.

In dry pain.

Some will cry.

Others solemnly acknowledge.

Nothing is forever.

I need to accept that.

The tattoos on my body will be with me my whole life, but will perish with my body.

My material possessions will not make me happy, I need to detach from them.

Love should come from me and go back to me.

Before I return to the energy I was created from, I want to help other people and create the best art I am able.

Neither will last but both make me happy, and so I will do them.

When my time is up, none of this will matter, I will have wasted time blogging about my life. 

Wasted time shaving, pretending, trying.

Nothing is forever.

I'm going to experience as much as I can with these small brown eyes and fees my curiosity with experiences.

Nothing is forever, so I'm going to enjoy the here and now.

Ouch

I texted Patrick today and he felt the need to reiterate that he doesn't want a relationship, and that he hopes he's not leading me on. I knew that already, I said that maybe in the future we could be together. He replied by saying he didn't know where he'd be in the future, could be Hawaii or Portland, Oregon. Weird thing to say to me.

Why introduce me as his girlfriend at all? Why introduce me to Baba and Melanie and speak about me as if we're dating?

I'm frustrated because I feel thrown aside. He 'misses me too' and 'likes and respects me' but is basically saying there won't be room in his life for me.

I don't know. Why write me that beautiful poem? "This spark will always be," was the last line. I feel that's untrue now.

I feel hurt and I'm not sure why I'm surprised. I always put too much into people and don't get enough back. It's just that... This time it felt like I was getting as much as I was giving.

Now I know, I can't trust myself when there's a guy involved. I can't be less me but I suppose I could take it slowly with whoever the next person is.

I'm heading to my neighbor's house. I really need to be surrounded by friends.