-_-

I can't donate blood until September 1st because I had sex with Patrick, who's slept with other men. That would've been nice to know before I drove all the way to the donation center. I guess I'm also upset for lots of reasons.

I've been irritable lately. I don't think it's a part of the grief process, but it very well could be. I don't wanna go out really, I want to sleep and eat. Hopefully Stirling will make me do outdoorsy stuff this weekend. His mom is going out of town, so I'm spending this weekend with him. Should be awesome :)

Happier

It's so nice having a boyfriend that's as attentive as Stirling is. He's really amazing because he can tell when I'm upset and he isn't freaked out by it. He's really good with my emotions and with my physical distress. He gives me lots of massages whenever I need them, and even when I don't.

Here's the story: we went to the beach and sat down in the sand with our subway sandwiches. We dug a hole for the bonfire and put the newspaper, pinecones, and wood in the hole. I wrapped myself in the blanket that I made and snuggle close to him while he watched the sunset. Once the sun was looking like it was going to set soon, I grab the bag of gifts that I made him. I made him a poster with the pictures from when we went to the Monterey Bay aquarium, a blue and green art piece that I made, a blue heart that I crocheted, and a Cthulhu mug (because he loves everything Cthulhu).

I did everything I meant to do except it took me a long time to sing to him. I have the perfect song picked out; The way I am by Ingrid Michaelson. I have been practicing in for about a week before hand but once it was time to sing, I was really nervous. Interesting because I haven't been nervous in a very long time. But I was nervous to sing to him. It took me a long time to summon up the courage, but finally well if you're watching the fire on their very cold night on Carmel beach, I sang to him and I think he liked it.

On the way home, we stopped at a Safeway and he picked up some Smirnov ices that we drink at his place while we watch the Princess bride. Then we went to sleep and I had to wake up and go to work the next morning. That was the most perfect day that I've ever had with just one other person. It'll be hard to top that day ever again.

I really like that I make him so happy just by being me. He doesn't want me to change, he doesn't want me to be less myself. He's completely happy with me being anything really. And I really like spending time with him. He is probably the most considerate person I've ever met, massaging my hands, my back, my neck… whenever it looks like I might be in physical pain, he's there to help me out.

But perhaps the best thing about Stir Fry is that we can have respectful intellectual arguments about anything. We often talk about women who call themselves feminists that aren't, because that particularly upset him, but whenever we argue we do it from a place of respect. I hadn't gotten that from a romantic partner before him.

In other news, I am indeed going to London over the summer. I just turned in my application for the scholarship today, and will see if I get it! Despite everything shitty that's been happening in the past couple months, I'm really glad that I didn't have to slow down my life too much for it. Although I miss my nephew and my sister is now in a ward, I am still going forward with everything I plan to do. And I am proud of me for that because that proves to me that I am a strong person.

What I've been trying to do is see the beauty in life especially after my nephew was murdered. Even while we were in North Carolina, I found beauty in the bowl that I made for my mother, the throw that I made for myself and the second that I made for my parents. Now I find beauty in the sky, the wind in the trees, the hearts that I crochet, the art that I do, in life itself. It's a difficult thing to go through, but I have such a great network with my parents, Stir Fry, and my very strong will. I've never been the type of person to close my heart for any reason, and I won't start now.

Lately

I broke down on Thursday night. I guess it finally hit me everything that happened to Tristan. I screamed and cried as I drove home from work. The grief cycle is pretty weird, I thought it would be over, but apparently it takes a really long time. I don't know. 

Anyway Valentine's Day is coming up. Still and I are going to eat lunch at sunset on Carmel beach. And really great especially now with going on. I'm good with just letting me talk and listening to me. Today is February 9 and I have an appointment with the counselor again. She said she wanted to just meet up with me again and see how I was doing. She said that I'm handling this relatively well for the situation but that I could use some help. And that's true, I really need some strategies for when my mind starts to wonder because I thought about hurting myself in the library. It was really scary so I called my dad and we talked for a long time. He said that he felt the same way closer to the incident but that he was better now. It helps that I'm biking every day at 6 AM because at least my body is physically healthy, even if I'm not mentally okay.

In other news I am really sick of thinking about Patrick. He doesn't even care about me so I don't know why my mind keeps going back to him. Stirling is a nice guy and he cares about me and I'm really glad to be with him but some things just will always make me think of Patrick and that really sucks.

But then again life sucks doesn't it? Isn't it a listen here out of really terrible really sad things some beautiful things are born from them. That's what I'm thinking about, how after Tristan I made some very beautiful things like that bowlsket with the pretty yarn and the two couch throws that I made.

I don't know when reading this post or who it's for but here it is I guess. If this seems awkward and choppy it's because I'm using talk to text while I'm cooking for myself. Some other updates are then balancing work and school is more difficult than I thought it would be. Also one of my bosses is very upset when I can't work, it's not fair that she makes us feel guilty for not being available, I have a life outside of Benihana. Anyway on my drawing class is picking up a little bit and my tile and Mosaic class is very fun, we're actually making our own tiles which is really awesome.

One well another good thing about biking in the morning I don't have the physical symptoms that come with the grief process because my body's too busy exercising. It's almost like healthy body, healthy mind.

This is really all over the place, I don't think I'll use talk to text again for blogging. It's much better to type out my ideas so that I can organize them, this post is now pretty awkwardly unorganized. I guess that's it for now, nothing else is really new.

The song Little red Corvette makes me think of Patrick. It's all about this person that Prince really likes but sleeps around a lot and Prince wants her to only sleep with him. I don't know I keep thinking about Patrick especially with everything that's going on, but I can't help it. I mean when you find something that you really believe is love you hold onto it. But I guess it only went one way because he let go of me.