Tween hair

When I was about 13 I remember crying to my mom telling her how ugly I felt because of all the hair I had that no one else had on their bodies. Down my chest and around my nipples. Who would ever find me attractive? No one, I thought. I remember a separate occasion years before that where kids would laugh at me because my underarms were hairy. Another separate occasion, my first ingrown hair under my arm from shaving.

Doing this no shaving thing feels really good to young Axanti. Just the fact that I can go out and still feel pretty and feminine without shaving makes me eager to accept and love myself the way I am. It feels really good. Anyone reading this, male or female, masculine or feminine, shaving only matters to the shallow. Someone who really cares about you won't turn their back just because you haven't shaved. Sure, they'll look. They may stop once or twice, but that's not what's important to them. They care about YOU.

I'm not shaving again. It's a waste of time and money and makes me feel anxious in public. I don't like feeling like I have to check to make sure I shaved correctly. Make sure I got every last hair, make sure I try and try and try to get my legs to be perfect. I don't like prickly legs either. The nice thing about having long leg hair is that it's not prickly. I rub my legs and feel mostly just my legs. I barely feel the hair, although it's jet black and is quite visible on my legs.

Why conform? No one can make me feel bad about not shaving except for me. Yes, people will stare. Yes, some people will decide against associating with me because I don't shave, but who really cares? I'm soo close to not giving a shit anymore and focusing on what's important in my life. So very close. As soon as I can push society out of the way so that I can take a step into the clear meadow that is my life, I can just go for a stroll.

If that makes sense.

Another (maybe the last) Shaving Journal post

Today I wore a tank top-y dress with my hairy underarms! Tadpole noticed and didn't say anything. Not in an awkward way, but in an "Oh. Moving on!" kind of way.

We threw a hacky sack back and forth, me and 5 other people, and I remembered my armpits and then I forgot them! I had so much fun! It really doesn't matter whether I shave or not! I'm happy with myself the way I am.

I may never shave again. It really isn't a big part of my life.

Now, the guy.

Then His name I'll keep confidential, just because he doesn't know I blog. His name in my phone is Tadpole.

My cousin Coty joined the army 2 years ago. I haven't seen him in 4 years. He told me two weeks ago he was in Dublin. This past Saturday, I went to the base to meet this friend of his, Tadpole.

Tadpole, Coty and I walked around the base and talked and whatnot. Tadpole was cool, good for conversation. He came home with us, so on the way home he called shotgun.

On the way home I was thinking, "I could be friends with this guy." We have sort of the same taste in music, so on the way home we played the guessing game. He put on a song and I had to guess the artist. When that song from Shrek came on we both sang it to see who could get the most words right. It was a tie.

We stopped at WalMart before we went home. At this point I knew I liked Tadpole. We walked by some feather boas and he put one on. Then so did Coty! And I did too, haha. Tadpole messed around with us, bopped me on the head with a pool noodle, fun stuff.

When we got home, he talked to my mom about medical professions. We went swimming and he did the most hilarous things with Coty. And picked me up and threw me back in the pool. And put a pool noodle between my legs.

We played Cards Against Humanity and he played a card that said "My black ass." So my parents started calling him Tad's Black Ass. We watched movies and I put my number in his phone. He took a bunch of pictures with mine.

We texted each other during the movie, started talking about sex. We both really wanted each other, but couldn't do anything about it.

So we went to the park with Coty and had so much fun. Coty hid my shoes and then Tadpole carried me on his back to find them. He also walked in my shoes after Coty hid his shoes. We got on the little pony ride things for little kids, it was strange and awesome.

While we were walking back we decided to just lay down and look at the stars. With Tadpole, this is so much fun. We found boobs, a heart that was really conjoined ice cream cones. 

We went back home and watched the Rocky Horror Picture show and then sex actually happened! However at the end my mom came looking for me and now my parents are upset.

My sister and Coty understand, thank god. I really like him and I'm glad we shared such a beautiful day and night. That's about all! :)

Wednesday, July 23rd

The first day my hairy underarms returned to the world! I wore a non-camp shirt today to camp, so if my arms were up, hair was visible.

Nothing really happened! A few people's heads turned when my arms were up, but because everyone has seen my legs, it wasn't a huge shocker.

This is giving me confidence! I can be my natural self and go about my day, contrary to popular belief. I don't think I'll ever buy a razor (for myself) again! 

Also, because I stopped shaving an plucking everywhere, I was quite surprised when a certain someone gave me an oral presentation. I'll talk about him in a later post.

The hair under my chin and jawline still makes me stop and take a second look sometimes when I'm in the mirror. I'm hoping that eventually I can get to the point where it doesn't bother me at all.

I want to be okay with my natural self. 

Baby steps will hopefully add up to grown-up steps.

Leg hair

Isn't that bad. I'm way less itchy and my time in the shower is a lot shorter!

Thinking about my future, I don't want to shave or pluck anything ever again.

Because I want to be comfortable with my natural, beautiful self.

Because how can I say, "We're perfect the way we are," and then alter my perfect body?

Yeah. I think I might embrace my hairy self forever!

I just heard this on the radio

How can I forget you girl,

When there's always something there to remind me?

always something there to remind me?

I was born to love you, 

but I will never be free, 

you'll always be a part of me.

I think what happens is when one meets the person that fits with them perfectly, they lose interest in others.

Sure, intercourse with another may be fun but it'll never be like it was with that person. 

Sure, you could laugh and joke with other people, but they wouldn't get and wouldn't care about the whole sexy chicken thing.

Yeah, someone else could kiss you but they'd never give you butterflies like he did when he'd randomly kiss you.

And yeah. I guess I could find someone else if I wanted to. Have a relationship and be intimate, but it wouldn't be anything like being with Patrick. 

His presence like a flower realizing the sunlight. It unfolds and sways in the beams of light.

No one can escape the beauty of his warmth. So comfortable with himself that all others feel comfortable around him.

Kind, honest.

Silly with wisdom far beyond his years.

I guess I really like him, huh?

Beach day with my lovely friend Jessie!

Today

Was my first day wearing my strapless yellow dress without shaving my underarms or plucking any hairs, and it wasn't bad!

I didn't cover up my legs or underarms or chest or neck, and no one noticed. While in Safeway, an older gray-haired man even said he liked my hair! (I'm sure he meant my dreads).

Today was a success. The most embarrassing parts of my body were on display and drew no attention! (Or at least I wasn't aware of any.) 

Hair is not as big a deal as we make it! Our social construct makes all of us believe that being hairless is associated with femininity and having hair is unattractive. An old boyfriend asked me if I shave under my arms, because he found underarm hair unattractive.

We don't even realize the forces that influence our thinking and our preferences in a mate, that's the crazy part!

We've been conditioned to hate morning breath and the smell of someone who's sweaty and the natural hair that grows on our bodies.

So much of our natural selves are covered up on a daily basis with deodorant, toothpaste, razors, and makeup. Now I question what makes me feel so badly about being hairy, yet feminine.

Why should I care if someone doesn't want to date me or associate because of my hair? So what if people stare?

On tv shows and in movies, the women that are hairy are old or made fun of. Old movies like Juana man and new ones like The Croods. I can tell that people like my face, my smile, my personality.

Those that do ignore my hair. Patrick would even kiss it, as if he knew I needed to know that he appreciates all of me.

India Aire says in one of her songs, "I am

not my hair, I am not this skin. I am the soul that lives within." I, too, am not my hair or my black skin. I am my own unique person, whose soul and actions define her and not her physical appearance.

This is only week 1 or 2 of 10 and I already feel much better about myself! I can't wait for week 10.

My non-shaving, non-plucking 1st post

I wish my leg hair would be long already. I'm tired of the length it's at right now, it just looks like I've been forgetting to shave for the past couple days.

Because I've been in my Camp Galileo shirt almost all this week, no one but me has noticed the length of my underarm hair, but I'm sure that'll be fun.

I did have one camper, though, that liked sitting in front of me because she liked how prickly my legs felt. (Of course that's inappropriate, so I didn't let her continue.)

Some of my co-workers have noticed my legs, but they either look away or look at my face for the most part.

Since Patrick is gone, no one sees my chest hairs, which I am totally fine with. They're embarrassing and I wish I didn't have them. However, I'm hoping that by the end of these 10 weeks I'll be more comfortable with my body in its natural, hairy state.

I talked to Patrick

On the phone for an hour last night. It was so very good catching up with him. Even through the phone, he was as silly as I remember! It made me so very happy, even though things got weird really quickly (like they always do, it's awesome).

He is living in the most amazing place I have ever heard of! I can't wait to visit him. In fact, I hope that the first official day(s) off in August will be spent with him.

I really miss him. Like he said, "we fit together." 

I cannot wait to see him again! Ugh, he's so amazing in every way. My mom and dad looked really confused and curious when I answered the phone. I'm not sure if he said "hey, sweet lady," or "hey, pretty lady," but it made me smile, and knowing that our conversation would get weird, I went to my room.

I told him about Camp Galileo (which is awesome) about my nephew, my mom, my cousin (who's in town), and we also had some pretty awesome conversations.

I told him about the first time I saw him, where I keep the amazing poem he wrote me, about many random things, and we had a blast (yes best friend, I'm saying "blast" now). 

It's Friday which means I can sleep all I want tonight and wake up whenever tomorrow! I'm excited for that too! And away we go, pshhhhhh!

I'm still missing Patrick, but the poem he wrote me helps soo much.

Except when I can't read where it's taped to my wall, I feel all of this pent-up affection that I want to give.

When Patrick was here, I could kiss him, hold his hand, sit on his lap, and now... Well I guess I'm going through withdrawl. I'm so used to touching him, following the grain of his hairs on his arms and chest, sleeping half on top of him.

I feel like I have all of this love inside me that's building up. It's meant for Patrick but it really wants to get out. Sometimes it comes out in tears, like right now.

Other times I find myself wanting touch, craving it from anyone at all. For three months, I had physical stimulation. I think it'll help me miss Patrick a little less if I have some other kind of touch.

This weekend I'm going to spend the night with a friend. Hopefully we can be some sort of physical with each other, I really need it. 

Thoughts

I was thinking about one of my exes from high school who is also named Patrick (O).

He was an asshole and he knew it. Everyone knew we were together because I was so nice and he was so mean. 

I love the thought that one day, Patrick O. and every other mean boy that I met will grow up to be like my Patrick.

Kind, sweet, compassionate and so determined to help others. It really warms my heart that people could mature into such self-improving people like him.

I saw someone riding a bike today, the hunched-over kind like Patrick does. I really love that I have all these memories to visit, they keep me company.

10 weeks of no shaving, starting today!

(Singer Madonna)

Because why conform to society's ideals of beauty?

We've been conditioned to believe that the absence of hair is attractive, and that hair in certain places and in certain styles is unattractive.

Who decided that for us?

Who taught us that it's okay to make fun of people that don't shave?

Who told us that special occasions call for hairless legs and under arms?

I'm doing this to prove that society doesn't control what's considered beautiful on me, I do.

I'm doing this because I am beautiful exactly the way I am, without alteration.

And I might just stop shaving forever, because I'm so much more than the hair on my body.

The story that inspired me: https://asunews.asu.edu/20140703-body-shaving#.U7gk07tzEEg.twitter .

Dogs from yesterday!

Penny, the sweetest little dog ever! I want her.

Zeeba, veddy cute also!

Katana? Whom my dad is trying to adopt without my mother's knowledge.

Patrick: out of sight, always on my mind.

Yesterday/this morning from 11:40 to about 1am, I was thinking about random things, like how he'd kiss my back and shoulders while I lay on my stomach. How nice his mustache feels-or felt-on my skin.

One day while we rode the bus to his place, he put down his book, leaned over, pecked me on the lips and continued reading.

I miss waking up to him, even though we never slept well together. He sleeps on his back and I sleep on my stomach, so we'd separate during the night and feel uncomfortable, then wake up and scoot closer together again. It was kind of funny. We seem to fit together (as he once said) so well, except that we could not sleep comfortably.

On the way home I turned the radio off and just smiled at the memories of him that I can visit anytime.

Eating at Chipotle while waiting for my sister to get off work, talking about what celebrities we find attractive. That day, he told me the two things that irritate him more than anything else.

Those thoughts kept me company on the long drive home, right now I'm thinking of different ones.

Oversleeping once and waking up to find out he'd made both of us breakfast.

The first time he rolled over on his side and kissed me sweetly, his hand behind my left ear. Then he stopped, smiled at me, and then went back to looking at the sky. I wanted a thousand more.

The way we talked about anything and everything.

Once I wondered aloud how plants feel when the sun goes down.

B-kawk!

Cha. chee cha. Chee cha. Chee cha! Coo coo kacha! Coo coo kacha!

Oh, I miss him.

Not just the sweet and romantic things, his company and conversation.

I thought it would be awkward for me to visit him, especially because I'm about 90% sure he'll be in some sort of relationship by the next time I see him, but I realized just now that I don't care about that as much.

I really am ecstatic that he exists at all. A gentleman that pulls out my chair for me and then pushes it in when I sit down. A warm, open presence and a kind, young soul.

I can't wait to see him again.

Patrick was on my mind today. As I lay in my bed, I remembered he was in Long Beach at that very moment. Enjoying the weather, probably reading, maybe planning his next blog post.

It's a strange thought. That we're both existing at the same time in different places. Carrying on in life but looking forward to being together again. Like water in different cycles. 

Perhaps at one point our molecules were side by side in the ocean. Because he was above me, he evaporated into the atmosphere and spent his days basking in the sun as a big, puffy cloud.

I swam around and explored all the seven seas, shallow and deep waters. Eventually winter will come to be, and he will rain back down to the Earth. He will run through streets and down sewers until he gets back to the ocean.

He will also tour the seven seas until we stumble upon each other once more. Now we will sink lower into the ocean so that we won't evaporate away from each other. We'll stick together like the water molecules we are and spin around together until we are harvested, purified and used to help another life.

If that makes sense.

Penny, the nice kitten