What I look like right now, if you care

I can't be normal. It's just.. unnatural.

Because of my previous posts, I feel the need to reassure you, Mr. or Mrs. reader, that I am not suicidal. Today, although long was very... let's say useful. I ran errands, which with no car took literally all day. I woke up at 6:30, and I am home now at 3:16. Literally, ALL DAY. But awesome things are going down this week! Number one: Dad's birthday is tomorrow. It's kind of bittersweet because he never knows what he wants or what he wants to do, so we have no idea what gift to get him. Friday is the Employee Luau!! Weeeee, I can't wait to hang out with Lex! She put in her two weeks notice, and is leaving me soon :/ I can't believe it! She's like my best work friend ever, and she's leaving :( What ever shall I do? That wasn't sarcasm, I am highly upset. How could she leeeeeeeeeeeeeave? :/ Bleh. She's a really great friend and now I won't see her around anymore. It sucks. Oh, I just found out that instead of working 3pm-11 this Saturday and Sunday I'm working ONE P.M. TO ELEVEN. I should be upset but I'm thinking about the money! Money money money monay... MONAY! Whoo whoo, big paychecks! My second to last stop today was to Sally's Beauty Supply to get some bleach. Time to test it out!

Honest self-analysis number three

I'm not clinically depressed. After my last two posts, I feel the need to state that. I am usually a very happy person. I'm not going to lie and say I'm one of those people who are happy all the time, no one is happy ALL THE TIME. It's impossible and unnatural. My boyfriend said that I'm "always negative". Hearing that, you must think he's right, but I know myself. I'm not always negative. These honest self-analyses were to help me be more okay with me. I know all the good parts of me already. I don't wanna blog about them too much because I don't want to come off as conceited. I am slowly learning to love myself and who I am. It's a slow process, but I think it's working.

(I googled myself to find a picture of myself and I am highly upset to report that a picture of my ex came up. Smh google, what are you doing?)

Honest self-analysis number two

I'm a liar. I don't mean to be, sometimes it just slips out. When I was in 7th grade, I told my teacher that I'd tried Polo before. I asked, "You're not supposed to fall off the horse, are you?" I knew you weren't. I knew what polo was. I have no idea why I lied. I sometimes wonder what percentage of what people say to me is the truth. Am I the only liar? I lied today because my sister insulted me and I became defensive.

I'm also immature and dramatic. 95% of the reason I use twitter is because I know my boyfriend will read it sooner or later. When I'm angry/upset with him, I'll tweet about it because I know he'll read it. Once or twice I made myself cry while leaving him a voicemail to see if it'd make him call me back faster. Boy, was I in for a surprise! He doesn't listen to his voicemails anymore. At least, not the ones from me.

I'm an idiot.

I am horrible at math. And I know people say that who are in Geometry, but I mean I have gone through pre-calculus and still have trouble with basic subtraction. Embarrassing when you work register at your job. One person that made me feel better was my supervisor (did I give him a nickname already?) Dan. Dan and I talked for a little bit and I confessed my shameful secret, I sometimes have to write out subtraction problems to give people the correct change. THANK GOODNESS, he laughed and said he did the same when he was an associate. At least I'm not the only one.

Last but not least, I'm a closet activist. Most times, I don't shave my legs just to put a middle finger to society. The only thing is: It kind of sucks being an activist when you're the only woman in the room with hairy legs.

Okay, this one is last for sure. Sometimes I really dislike myself. Maybe all of this drama is just a side effect of the pill, but it's how I feel sometimes. Hideous. Pimples all over my face, black hairs making normally attractive parts of my body some kind of joke. It's hard to deal with. A little late, but my mom bought me this book named Body Drama. It addresses EVERYTHING that a woman could be concerned with. Literally E-V-E-R-Y T-H-I-N-G. I say "a little late" not to blame my mom, but to wish that I'd found that book sooner. The book depicts nude women at the end. Not in a pornographic way, in an "everyone is beautiful" way. It shows all kinds of women, all skin tones, all body types, it's very empowering.

Honest self-analysis

I don't know what happened. I was such a happy child and I used to love making new friends. I think the combination of high school and two long-distance relationships did it. High school, first of all. Hard to make friends hard to make good friends. Throughout my four years of high school, I'd been searching desperately for that one best friend, since the girl I grew up with and the girl I named my best friend live in Pennsylvania. The search failed, time after time. After a while, people just forgot about me. Freshman to sophomore year, my friends split up and chose other friends to be around. It happens, right? I read somewhere that people change friends about every seven years. As true as that may or may not be, my mom found a best friend in high school, so I feel a little behind.

Everyone tells me that college is the time and the place, it'll happen in college. Well, what if the problem isn't school, what if the problem is me? My mom told me once that she sees me becoming anti-social. I didn't agree with her, I thought it absurd. I'm the chatty person, the one that loves talking to people! No way I'm anti-social. Now that I take a closer look in the mirror, my boyfriend is my world. I text him, call him, skype him all the time. I don't shut everyone out and I text my other friends, but my boyfriend is the only one that answers most of the time. Maybe that's my fault too? Have I made the impression that there's only one best friend for me and it's not anyone on this planet? Maybe I need to stop using "best friend". Maybe one good friend that I can talk to is better than a so-called "best friend".

One other person labeled me one of her best friends. I swear, mid-sentence I was thinking, "How rude! I'm just one of many," but now I'm thinking. If you have one best friend who knows everything, that friend could disappear and you'd be left with nothing. Maybe I don't need a best friend, maybe I need best friends.

In my mind, I'm a model.

So I did this for my boyfriend.

I THINK I'm a model, anyway.

I swept my hair to the side.

Haven't you seen me in Teen Vogue?

Idk what this neck thing is... But I kinda like it.

Last picture (for today)

Adults don't understand. Sometimes, kids really don't know.

I distinctly remember getting in trouble for saying something. I didn't know what that something was, so I made up something that sounded similar (to get laughs). You may be familiar with the song "to the window to the wall". While playing that song, djs always seem to cut it off at one part. "Till the sweat drops down my _______, ..." to which everyone would scream the word that goes there. I never heard that word until years later, in a movie where Sandra Bullock rapped it in the woods with someone's grandma (The Proposal). So when I was a kid, sitting on my auntie's couch, that song came on the radio. I didn't know what the word was, so I made up words that sound like the ones in the song. "Til the sweat drops down my fows, all these females growl, ..."

"HEY!" my sister snapped at me, now glaring.

"What?" I asked, clueless.

"You see?" My aunt Loretta said to my sister, "you see how they say what you do?"

"Yeah," she said.

I was so clueless. It happened again while our family was watching Rush Hour. You know, Chris Tucker stands on top of something and tells everyone there's a bomb in the building and to get out ASAP? Then he says "____s, ___s, ___s. Getcho ___s out of here." Got lots of laughs from my parents. I didn't know why, I had no idea what he said, so once again, I made up my own word!

"Chitties, chitties, chitties," I said, "Getcho chitties out of here!" and laughed.

My mom gave me that look and told me not to say it again. I honestly had NO IDEA what the heck he was saying. Just had to get that out. Parents always think that kids learn too early and repeat it, not that we just repeat what we THINK we hear.

Boys and .s

Why do boys / men always freak out about periods? It makes me very upset because first of all, they always make the situation weird and then don't wanna touch or be around you until you're not diseased anymore. The second reason it bothers me so much is that IT DOESN'T HAPPEN TO YOU! It's been happening to me since I was 11; you're an adult and freaking out. I know it's gross but you saying "eww" every time doesn't help. This is directed towards every male-type humanoid on the planet. You guys burp out loud, poop with your penises in the toilet, some don't shower, some wear dirty clothes, some have the most disgusting things lying around their rooms that I don't even wanna get into, and my period is the grossest thing in the world? Makes perfect sense.

I want to retract what I said about talking to ALL male-type humanoids on the planet, because there are some very sweet boys and men who still cuddle their girlfriends and are very sympathetic. Others, who are incredibly smart, keep track of when their girlfriend's last period was so they know when to expect the next one. This kind of blew me away. Incredibly kind and thoughtful. While I'm on the subject of being kind, Male-type Humanoids: first of all. Don't ever say ANYTHING close to: "wow, you're really upset. Are
You on your period?"

This makes us females so upset because it implies that we are always angels except when we are going through menstruation, which is not true. Sometimes, we're just angry. Just like sometimes YOU're just angry.

Another thing to never say is "Calm down." that is THE. WORST. THING. YOU. CAN. POSSIBLY. SAY. TO. A. FEMALE. Never mind what "Calm down" actually means, what it sounds like to us is "You're crazy and I can't handle you like this. Please stop being crazy."

I just want to reiterate how pleased I am to have found out that there are some men that make women still feel awesome during the worst time of the month. Every month. For the rest of their lives. Bravo, few awesome men.

Work is awesome

Especially after the park closes and there's no more cleaning to do. My supervisors are all friends so after hours, we all kinda goof around. Today, my supervisor Man. ([name kept private] chill, flirty-faced guy.. I'll explain that later) turned on the radio and played it on the PA. It was awesome because then a bunch of people started dancing. Awesome. Another awesome/sad thing is that at the end of the day, we have to throw out all the food. My supervisors are cool, so before we throw the food out we can eat some of it. That's why I had so much bacon and iced coffee today :P

Supervisors. Names are abbreviated since none of them know I blog about them. Man. has a flirty face. I don't know how else to describe it. Since I've been boy-crazy most of my life, I was surprised that it took me so long to notice. Makes sense, though. Ever since my boyfriend and I have been together (6 months, almost), I haven't so much as looked at another person with any kind of interest. Okay, back to flirty face. Try to imagine him. Flirty face, bright eyes, hispanic, like the men in those people en español sexiest man of the week features.

Imagine this guy, WAY younger, 19ish, short spiky hair, about 5'4"1/2. He's a really cool supervisor. He doesn't care if we eat some stuff before we throw it out. If it's going in the trash anyway, why not eat some of it? (As long as we do our jobs well and thoroughly.)

Next sup I'm gonna list is R. He's really funny and CLAIMS that he's not ticklish. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT! EVERYONE's ticklish somewhere. I think he's just very good at hiding it. I poked him under both arms and he squirmed. Mission accomplished. He's cool too. As long as we do our work and follow the rules, we can have some snacks before we feed them to the garbage can. I'm not even gonna bother looking online for a picture similar to him. He has a unique face, I know I won't find anything close to him.I'll list more sups later. (I'm saying sup like "Soup". As in short for supervisor.)

Friends at work! Lex is awesome. We talk about her ex-boyfriend issues and life and stuff. She's awesome. She and I are both working 4pm to 12am this coming saturday, so yay, friend time :) Lil started the day I did, so we're both kinda in the same boat, know as much as each other and stuff. Really awesome. She's fun to poke. Some people act as if I shot them when I poke them, like the dramatic stomach-receding-from-rest-of-body-oh-my-jesus-that-tickled reaction. It's very entertaining. Well I think I've said enough for now. My job is awesome. People are surprised when I say I like working at Great America, but it's really fun. Great people, janitorial and cooking experience, plus I'm on register every day so I get lots of customer interaction. A+ job, A+ pay. Oh, pay reminded me of something I did today. My mother and guide through life told me I should request that $10 go towards federal taxes and $5 towards state taxes, just to be sure I don't owe money or anything. HOLY SHIRPIN DERPIN. I'm gonna have to file my taxes next year! D: Legal adulthood, y u come so fast?

My boyfriend is the cutest, ever.

Have you ever heard that little kid saying "I wish I could marry you so that I could hold your hand all the time." That's how incredibly cute my boyfriend is. I was talking about my hair and how I hate it sometimes and how difficult it is to manage. I tried explaining to him the process of twisting my dreadlocks, which unfortunately went right over his head. His response was "Your hair looks good. I don't understand how it works but it looks good on you." I don't understand how he can be a mature young man and also maintain that childhood sweetness I love so much. I find myself wondering what my past relationships were like, because, well.. we make each other irritated, angry. We make each other do what we need to do, and we keep each other in check. I highlight these parts because these are what I'm not used to. I'm not used to someone making me irritated so often. I'm also not used to someone caring about me so much and treating me so well.. I love it. Him. All of it. Everything.

Je veux!!

Oh sweet bliss.

Things that suck

Gross looking beards.

things that make me happy

Random conversations with random people. Someone from my french class was waiting for the library to open. We just randomly started talking about Obama and the Olympics and dentists and other stuff. People these days always want boyfriends and girlfriends, but sometimes it's nice to just have friendly conversations with people to pass the time.

"Bad boys ain't no good... Good boys ain't no fun."

-Opening lyrics to Mary J. Blige's "Mr. Wrong". A song I don't agree with. In the chorus she sings "Me and Mr. Wrong get along so good, even though he breaks my heart so bad. We've got a special thing going on, I love my Mr. Wrong."

In my opinion that is a TERRIBLE message to send out to women. Good boys are no fun and Mr. Wrong is the one to love, even though he's no good. Horrible.

I never quite understood why women go for the "bad boys". People I know will choose the most dangerous-looking out of a group of men to chase after. How is it at all attractive that someone carries a gun and is part of a gang?

My aunt dated a bad boy. She knew he was involved with some bad people, but she loved him. Unfortunately, love can't protect you from everything. The next news I heard, he'd been shot three times; twice in the back once in the head. That's why I don't approve of or understand falling in love with someone who's no good. Because they're heading down a very bad path and you should consider yourself lucky that they don't bring you down with them.

One of my cousins was sleeping with someone older than she, and she was not of legal age. Her mother sent him to jail, and when he was released, he killed her. I would say that bad boys are not that attractive after all, but for some reason, women everywhere keep chasing after them.

Men, I ask you to raise your sons to be better than you. To be young gentlemen who respect women's wishes and the wishes of their parents as well. Women, I ask that you not only hold off on sex but wait to find someone who would be a good boyfriend or husband.
If your relationship is a secret, there's some kind of problem, and someone who truly loves you will wait AT LEAST until you are of legal age to engage in any kind of sex with you. Some of you reading this are shaking your heads at me. I don't care. I don't want anyone to have to go through the pain that my family has.

I need one of these. Just. Like. Yeah.

Co-workers

Are annoying sometimes. On sunday, a customer spilled soda on my receipt printer, and I couldn't figure out how to fix it. While I was trying to fix it, five other people came into my work station and just stood around, talking.

Never mind the customer waiting to sign her receipt, please, carry on your conversation. Eventually I had my supervisor come in and change the machine, which then only printed computer code.

Since the customer pays our salaries, customer service is very important. It really makes me upset that people can, in good conscience, mess around in front of customers. (Especially since someone got an infraction for messing around while a customer needed something.)

No, I'm not telling you.

People always ask me questions because they know I stay informed for the most part. I'm fine with that, I like being the knowledgeable one. But I have a problem when people ask me things like "Do you know if ___ is gay?"

Lots of problems with that. Number one, that is someone's personal business. Even if the person asking is also gay, not everyone is as accepting of themselves as you are. People have different levels of comfort with themselves. That's why I don't answer questions like "is he gay". My sister's boyfriend is the perfect example of "Tmi. Not cool, dude." He finds out that someone in our school is gay and he goes around whispering it to everyone. It's none of your business and you're an asshole for spreading that around.

Another reason I don't answer questions is that usually the question is something that people can find out on their own. For instance, I hate when people ask me things I couldn't possibly know, but don't wanna google it. "What part of the embryo do they take stem cells from?"

-___-

"I don't know."

"Well, can you find out for me?"

Hell no. I cannot and will not. I saw on facebook someone post "we live in an era of smart phones and dumb people." So very true. How is it my cousin can take the time to call me all the way across the country, to ask me to go online and look for flights for him. (By the way, he's telling me that he's an adult while asking me to do this for him.) I find that sad.