The second half of today

I feel so ugly, I didn't want to go outside. I had to, though, for Mixed Media

When I was with Patrick for those two weeks, I'd just smile at myself in the mirror. It was silly, I think, but I felt just so happy being with him. I don't do that anymore.

People look at me and stare at the hair on my face, under my chin, between my breasts and I feel self-conscious. It takes a lot to go out knowing people will look twice once they notice.

Being with Patrick was so great because he is very comfortable with himself and who he is. He likes who he is and he makes sure to love himself first, so he doesn't feel emasculated by me in any way.

Once again, I was forced to face the fact that Patrick is one of a kind, and that I will not find another like him no matter how hard I look.

Today I looked in the mirror and almost cried. It's probably my hormones, now that I think about it, seeing as how I almost cried watching The Office (an episode that wouldn't normally get to me).

So this may be a temporary feeling but right now it's real to me. I spend too much time looking in the mirror, judging myself based on societal standards. I don't want to waste time like that every day.

This feeling will go away tomorrow. I've gotten to the point were I feel comfortable showing off my hairy legs, no problem. My face is usually no problem. My underarms, chest, and stomach, however, depend on the day. But mostly I cover them up.

Yesterday at Big Sur, I forgot about everything and just had a greattime with   nature. I'm going to try to do that from now on, to busy myself with happy things so that I'll stop focusing on myself so much.

What is happening

Looking at pictures of Patrick gives me butterflies. I've forgotten how funny and attractice and romantic and sweet he is.

Today I couldn't believe he could be interested in little old me. He's so great and masculine and open-minded and amazing. It's hard for me to believe that he feels the way he does about me.

This has been in my phone for months

I have doubts but I realize they're ridiculous, so I push them out of my head.

i think something but don't say it aloud because it might be over the top and then he says exactly what I didn't.

he does something so strange, hilarious and awesome that I'm glad I'm with him.

he supports all of my dreams.


he makes me feel like the most special person in his life.

making him laugh makes me feel good.

I don't even notice what others think of us because he's making sexy chicken noises.

I forget about my flaws and see myself through his eyes.

I embrace my fears and know I can always face them with someone.

I feel heard and understood.

I feel that my feelings/emotions are respected.

The spirit that animates my body is more appreciated than my physical being.

I am happy.

No one else makes me feel like he does.

Not a single other person can make me feel that sexy, that beautiful so effortlessly.

It's not that he doesn't notice what I don't like about me, it's that he doesn't care.

He stares into my eyes, into my soul.

He reads my face carefully and can tell when my emotions change.

He cares for me and my safety, he respects every bit of me without question, of that I am certain.

And I miss him when we are apart.

How I crave his touch, his kiss.

How I miss his face being the first I see every morning and the last I see before I sleep.

Could this be love?

My Reading and Writing for Civic Literacy book is unbelievably amazing.

Here are some quotes I picked out from James Baldwin's letter to his nephew on the one hundredth anniversary of the end of slavery.

"You were born where you were born and faced the future that you faced because you were black and for no other reason."

"There is no reason for you to try to become like white people and there is no basis whatever for their impertinent assumption that THEY must accept YOU. The really terrible thing, old buddy, is that YOU must accept THEM. And I mean that very seriously. You must accept them and accept them with love. For these innocent people have no other hope."

"...we, with love, shall force our brothers to see themselves as they are, to cease fleeing from reality and begin to change it."

"You know, and I know, that the country is celebrating one hundred years of freedom one hundred years too soon. We cannot be free until they are free."

THE QUESTION I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!

Jhonny sent me this text message, "Hey so.. why dont you shave your body hair?" 

I was so excited that he asked! He's the first one to feel comfortable enough to actually ask (even though he did it via text message).

I explained that I feel more confident about myself now that I don't shave, and that it doesn't impact my life in a significant way, so I leave it.

He said it was weird for him, I understand. It's hard to break social norms and be okay with something when everyone around you is whispering in your ear that it's not okay.

I made sure to tell him that we didn't have to sleep together again if that made him uncomfortable, I would be fine just hanging out with him. That was the truth, he's a really interesting person. He asked about my agate necklace and said he believes in 'energy stuff'. I can tell he's had to defend that view before. I don't think he was surprised when I agreed though. He thought I was a rastafarian because of my dreadlocks.

A silly assumption if you ask me, but how would he know better? I politely explained that rastafarians reject western medecine and don't eat pork, shellfish or milk. And that sounds awful because I'm pretty sure that bacon, snow crab legs and goat cheese make the world go round.

Anyway, he told me that his dad is Iranian, I didn't ask about his mom because it doesn't really matter. He has an piece on his wall by an Iranian artist that his dad gave him. It's really cool. 

That whole text message interaction made me miss Patrick. I guess I took for granted how open-minded and accepting he is, I sort of expected that everyone should be like him.

I've been keeping a (sort of) poem in my phone about how he makes me feel. There were only two times in the 5 months that I've known him that he's hurt my feelings, and both times were inadvertent. (Far less than past relaionships, which is why I bring it up.)

Maybe sometime I'll post the poem. It's shitty in my opinion, but whatever.

Beauty is always where I least expect it.

Yesterday

I hung out with Jhonny. It was fun, we played this awful weird amazing game he has at on his computer. It's the most awful thing. This little boy tries to escape his demented, religious mom by fleeing into the basement where he has to fight monsters with his tears. It is so sad/amazing. After that there was this awkward silence that led to (content removed for awesome and explicit sexual nature). After that was over I helped him scrub food off of some dishes and then we sat outside and talked for a little while. He smoked a cigarette while I talked, disgusting.

We talked about a book he had that reminded me of Patrick. It was a book saying how a man should be a warrior, magician, leader(?) and lover. I'm pretty sure it's a transition book from boyhood to manhood. Patrick is really in to those, one of the many things I love about him. He's about bettering himself in any and every way possible.

Anyway, I left Jhonny's place around 4 since he was leaving at 5 to spend the weekend with his best friend (because he's newly single and obviously needs loved ones around). I felt bad once I thought about what happened. He just became single five days ago and we there I went. I had sex with someone about a week or two after I broke up with Darrin and I shouldn't have. That is the only time (except perhaps this time) that I regretted having sex. I wasn't into it and at one point I was staring blankly into his face. My mind was not in the right place for me to have been having sex. I was missing Darrin but feeling like that was sort of what I wanted, so I shouldn't complain. It was awful.

I feel like that's what happened with Jhonny. At one point I looked at him and he was staring at the ceiling. Because he noticed I was looking, afterward he felt the need to explain it.

Of course this could just be my interpretation of what happened.

The game he was playing is called The Binding of Isaac. It is seriously messed up, haha. Still, it's great. Play it if you wish.

Well, I have to return to the multitude of homework I have. Until next time.

Remember my post on 5/14/14?

I was wondering what would happen if Jhonny was single. Well, he is now. Just happened a few days ago. I offered to listen if he felt like talking, he said he might take me up on that.

I told him more than I intended (the problem with me texting) last night/early this morning. I told him that I'd blogged about him and basically that I like him and find him attractive. He said he feels the same way, which surprised me.

Because he was so happy with his ex girlfriend, I thought I made up the unspoken connection we shared. He told me he felt like he'd met me before, that we spent time together previously and that he could talk to me.

That's huge because I think that means we were meant to be in each other's lives in some way or another, even if just as friends. That happened only once to me in the third grade when I met Bria. She was so amazing and I knew her from somewhere, but I didn't know where. Another life maybe.

Anyway, this mutual attraction is exciting me more than it probably should. He's so nice to me, not to mention gorgeous. He's tall, muscular and his hair is long. I love guys with long hair but I've never met one before. 

So that's interesting.

I'm going home this weekend and might hang out with him tomorrow! I'm so nervous because I have no idea what to wear or what I should do/bring. My heart is beating faster just thinking about being physically close to him. Holy crap.

Ketchup

So I moved in to my dormpartment at California State University Monterey Bay on August 22nd, today is September 10th of the same year 2014. College life is amazing. Being independent and taking care of myself (somewhat) is refreshing.

My roommates are best friends which is awkward for me. They have a long history together so there's really no room for me in their lives, except as a roommate. They're sweet, but I wish I would've been roomed with two strangers. 

I have huge gaps in my schedule, so I go home and cook lunch every day. It's great! I'm eating mostly fresh food every day. (I usually boil potatoes for the week because they take a long time to cook.) 

I'm really good friends with my neighbor Orlando. He lives like two dormpartments down from me, so we hang out a lot. He slept over my place once, we talked until four in the morning. Who does that? We were so tired the next day.

You know me, there's a guy. His name is Austin, he's in my radio show class. He doesn't know this, but when I first saw him I was hooked. Something about his face. He looks Native American, maybe latino but I'm not sure. He has neck-legnth hair which I LOVE. I love guys with long hair but I've never been able to be romantic with one.

If romantic is even the right word. He bikes to my place sometimes and spoons me while we watch Sherlock or Archer or whatever. But he's usually busy, so we don't see each other that often.

I found the courage to kiss him, he responded, "You're cool." I like him, he's a simple soul. He plays a lot of sports (although he's not muscular) and listens to trap music. He's fun to hang out with.

I want to go to the U.K. next semester, but it's a LONG process. I went to an info session and obviously it's better to apply as soon as possible. I'm gonna start (and hopefully finish) it this weekend. It would be really exciting to study in another country!

I don't have a job which sucks, but I want to join an on-campus club or local organization where I can do some volunteer work. Just school isn't enough in my schedule. I am overall really happy! 

I make friends every week it seems like and college is a great place to do that. There are so many campus activities and dances, it's filled with activity. Now all I have to do is get involved! I'll let you know how it goes.

Formal goodbye.

I'll never forget

I walked passed a young man on the way to my art class. He was so obviously optimistic and had such a weird, silly face that when I smiled at him and he smile back at me, it made me smile even harder.

That was days ago and I barely remember his face, but I remember the silliness of his genuine smile that he was kind enough to bestow on a stranger.

I hope I pass by that young man again so that I can see him smile again, and smile back at him. 

Strange that a smile from someone unknown to me could brighten my mind and spirit for days.