Saturday, April 23, 2016

awake, in what feels like the middle of the night

kissing him, I began to cry

I don't know if I'll ever understand why

so many memories and so much pain ravage my mind in the night

all that is joyful and all that is not

they intertwine and torture me

he's gone, but he is here

can I ever love again being so broken deep inside?

beneath all this joy is sorrow

and I regret sharing with so many people

people I called when I was suicidal

people who didn't answer the phone

although mostly I am happy, although I smile and laugh and love

something inside me is black and dead

some part of me will always know sorrow

some bone deep inside me will always know grief and loss

and will keep me awake when I should be resting

will continue to make me cry inexplicable tears as I kiss him

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

An Open Letter the BLM Mothers Supporting Hillary Clinton

Dear Sybrina Fulton, Geneva Reed-Veal, Maria Hamilton, Gwen Carr, and Lucy McBath, mothers of Trayvon Martin, Sandra Bland, Dontre Hamilton, Eric Garner and Jordan Davis,

Your plight is unmatched, your sorrow is never-ending, and nothing can bring back your children. But supporting Hillary Clinton will not prevent future murders of black people. You claim that all of you felt "a genuineness" about Clinton. That she "listened and followed through" for you. Please understand this is only because of who you five women are. If you were not the mothers of murdered black people, she would not have given you the time of day. Just because she is a woman does not mean she will do all it takes to prevent more black mothers from losing their children. Hillary Clinton is not listening to and following through for you to be genuine, she is doing it for the black vote. Again, if you were not the mothers of murdered black people, she would not have listened to you or "followed through" for you.

For example, at her fundraiser in Charleston, South Carolina on February 24th, 2016, when a protester asked Clinton to apologize for the mass-incarceration of black people that she caused in 1994 and for calling black people 'predators', Clinton responded with, "I'll talk to you later," "you're being rude," and allowed the protester to be taken away instead of answering her. In 1994 she called black children "super-predators" with "no conscience, no empathy" and that she wants to "bring them to heel". Given, the people she's talking about were on drugs and therefore not in their right mind, but that requires even more delicacy, not harsh words. Would you vote for her if they were your children she was describing? I think not. Hillary Clinton will always change her position on any stance to get more votes.

There are popular videos on youtube of Hillary Clinton that contain videos of her telling lies and follow up videos that contain the truth. In these videos, she opposed gay marriage in 2002 and 2004, and in 2013 claimed to be in support of it. In 2007, Clinton blamed home-buyers for the foreclosure of their homes and for the housing crisis. She says, "they should've known they were getting in over their heads". In 2016, she claims that we have to make sure that middle-class people should never be put in that position again, but that the people we need to worry about are businesses like Lehman Brothers, who contributed over $300,000 to her campaign. Clinton also repeatedly claimed that on March 25, 1996 she landed in Bosnia under sniper fire, when video shows no such danger. During her husband's presidency, she supported NAFTA, which some say caused job losses in Iowa and Pennsylvania, but in 2008 claims she has opposed NAFTA "from the beginning". Hillary Clinton has two constants: she will do and say anything to become president and she will always act in the interest of the banks that support her. All of this information can be found in this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dY77j6uBHI

I implore you, through your broken hearts and loss to vote for someone who has the people in mind, not banks. Someone who is consistent in their message and who has been fighting for the rights of oppressed people for decades, not someone who repeatedly lies. Someone who listens to angry voices about the problems they are facing and wants to change them. Someone who is funded completely by people, not banks. I implore you to vote for Bernie Sanders. Black women, mothers, grieving parents, your grief should not drive your political decisions. Politics is about electing people who care about the plight that you have faced and want to make a difference. Bernie Sanders is genuine. He chained himself to a black person to protest segregation. Bernie Sanders listens to anyone who speaks to him and with the help of people like Lucy Flores, Pramila Jayapal and Zephyr Teachout will be able to follow through with his plans to send more kids to college, break up big banks, and work for the people.

Sunday, February 28, 2016

I think it hurts to see young people in love.

I think having those feelings shoved in your face reminds you of the heartbreak you've been through. As an older person, having youth shoved in one's face is hard enough, but remembering those memories, the ones with teeth...

Friday, February 12, 2016

It's been a while, again

Wow. A lot happened since I last wrote. I broke up with Stir Fry. He was really sweet and a nice guy but overall, he just wasn't right for me. Darrin's baby is due this month, I think. My auntie had her baby a week ago. I said I wouldn't date again and then at MMA club this tall black guy with big eyes and a dimple kept checking me out. I was really trying to stay single but somehow he convinced me and we've been dating for 3 months and some change. I don't get along with my roommate anymore so I basically live with him now. Let's call him LinkedIn.

I'm doing my capstone project slowly. It's about Tristan, of course. I had some other ideas but Tristan is what I care about. Sometimes I still can't believe it. He was two months shy of turning 3 years old. I hope I've accepted that he's gone, but I know I can't. He was such a loving kid. Anyway, the capstone is soothing in a way. I took him for granted when he was alive because I didn't think he was going anywhere. But my capstone is giving him life, in a way. The life that was taken from him. I get to imagine him going to school, I bought him a Spiderman backpack. I get to imagine what his first girlfriend would have been like. I bought a mirror to somehow show him taking a selfie with a girlfriend in teenage years. I imagine him graduating high school, then hopefully college. (I still need a cap and gown from somewhere.) Finally, I get to imagine him getting married, starting a family, growing old and dying at a ripe old age, years after I do.

It's soothing because I feel like he was cheated out of a life he more than deserved, and I'm glad that I can give that back to him, in a way.

I don't cry as much these days, but some things still make me think of him. Our visiting artist, Claudia Bernardi goes to places in South America where there have been mass killings and other human rights violations and helps the communities create art to heal. That reminded me of Tristan. Those people got the bones of their loved ones. They got to bury or cremate them. They got to have a funeral. We never got to bury or cremate him. We're left with knowing that our Peanut's body is somewhere else right now. We don't get his ashes or bones because the case isn't closed. That hurts so much. As much as the pain.

It's not a sharp pain, it's a dull depressing weight that I carry with me for always.