kissing him, I began to cry
I don't know if I'll ever understand why
so many memories and so much pain ravage my mind in the night
all that is joyful and all that is not
they intertwine and torture me
he's gone, but he is here
can I ever love again being so broken deep inside?
beneath all this joy is sorrow
and I regret sharing with so many people
people I called when I was suicidal
people who didn't answer the phone
although mostly I am happy, although I smile and laugh and love
something inside me is black and dead
some part of me will always know sorrow
some bone deep inside me will always know grief and loss
and will keep me awake when I should be resting
will continue to make me cry inexplicable tears as I kiss him
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