Hi again

I feel bad that it's been so long since I blogged. I quit working at Benihana and went to London. Mythology and Urban Anthropology are fascinating subjects and I love them. I was sleeping around when I was in London because before I left, Stir Fry said something that I thought was him being okay with me sleeping around. It doesn't matter what he said, I was so willing to have his approval to sleep around... Anyway, when I came back, he told me that he was just kidding. So I basically cheated on him for six weeks.

I told him about it and he wasn't even angry with me, just hurt. But I couldn't live with myself. The next morning, he said it's great waking up to your favorite person. How can I still be his favorite person after I cheated on him? I shouldn't be. I couldn't live with knowing I've taken him on such a rollercoaster ride the past couple months. From taking a break to not taking a break to this... I just can't do it anymore. He's been such a great friend to me but I think that's where we should stay until I figure out who the fuck I am. Because I never thought I'd do that to anyone, but I did... And he was willing to stay with me. He was more hurt that I broke up with him than anything, because he loves me. But I don't love him. I mean, I love spending time with him and he's a great friend. I love that we do things together and he shows me new things, tv shows, music, etc, but... I don't love him.

What if I just kill myself? I thought that just now. What if I just disappear? After a while, people would stop looking and accept that I'm gone. The newspapers and news stations would lost interest. I'd be a dust particle in the wind. I don't know. I'm not suicidal, I just wish life was easy. I wish my nephew wasn't dead and that the grieving process wasn't so weird. I wish I knew what kind of person I was and why I did what I did. I wish I wasn't so fucked up. But most of all, I wish I didn't feel okay for so long and then randomly crash into suicidal thoughts. I guess that's it for now.