It's been a while, again

Wow. A lot happened since I last wrote. I broke up with Stir Fry. He was really sweet and a nice guy but overall, he just wasn't right for me. Darrin's baby is due this month, I think. My auntie had her baby a week ago. I said I wouldn't date again and then at MMA club this tall black guy with big eyes and a dimple kept checking me out. I was really trying to stay single but somehow he convinced me and we've been dating for 3 months and some change. I don't get along with my roommate anymore so I basically live with him now. Let's call him LinkedIn.

I'm doing my capstone project slowly. It's about Tristan, of course. I had some other ideas but Tristan is what I care about. Sometimes I still can't believe it. He was two months shy of turning 3 years old. I hope I've accepted that he's gone, but I know I can't. He was such a loving kid. Anyway, the capstone is soothing in a way. I took him for granted when he was alive because I didn't think he was going anywhere. But my capstone is giving him life, in a way. The life that was taken from him. I get to imagine him going to school, I bought him a Spiderman backpack. I get to imagine what his first girlfriend would have been like. I bought a mirror to somehow show him taking a selfie with a girlfriend in teenage years. I imagine him graduating high school, then hopefully college. (I still need a cap and gown from somewhere.) Finally, I get to imagine him getting married, starting a family, growing old and dying at a ripe old age, years after I do.

It's soothing because I feel like he was cheated out of a life he more than deserved, and I'm glad that I can give that back to him, in a way.

I don't cry as much these days, but some things still make me think of him. Our visiting artist, Claudia Bernardi goes to places in South America where there have been mass killings and other human rights violations and helps the communities create art to heal. That reminded me of Tristan. Those people got the bones of their loved ones. They got to bury or cremate them. They got to have a funeral. We never got to bury or cremate him. We're left with knowing that our Peanut's body is somewhere else right now. We don't get his ashes or bones because the case isn't closed. That hurts so much. As much as the pain.

It's not a sharp pain, it's a dull depressing weight that I carry with me for always.